Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I'm Starting to Charge $1 a Mile -or- Teamwork Schmeamwork

I am the Suburbia Taxi Company.  I don't mind driving my daughter and even her friends around but it just bothers me when something happens like happened today.  My daughter was supposed to meet another girl at the school to work on a project (they are currently on Spring Break).  Anyway, my daughter gets a call from this girl two minutes before we leave saying she doesn't have a ride.  She said her dad was going to come get her but someone walked into his office at the last minute so she now had no ride.  Could we come and pick her up?  I only work part-time so that I can be here for my child when she needs me which includes rides to places.  Because I don't work full-time, we don't live in a nice big house like this girl whose parents both work full-time.  But she assumes that because I am available to take my daughter that I am available to take her too.  Maybe this is just my annoyance du jour but I was really peeved.  Once in the car, the girl took a call on her cell phone which was from her dad.  From the conversation it was evident that she had not even asked her dad for a ride until today at the time she needed it.  The problem here is my daughter didn't have the supplies to do the project herself.  Why do they even do group/partner projects anyway?  The only thing I ever learned from doing a group/partner project in school is that you can't count on the other people in the group to do what they say they will do.  Oh, I take that back.  I also learned that people like to do nothing and claim other people's work as their own to get that good grade.  My daughter just finished another project where she did the entire thing herself and the partner got an A for doing nothing.  I think teamwork should be abolished. It should be every man for himself.  Why is it that we responsible people always have to go that extra mile?

Friday, March 23, 2012

The Unanswerable Question

How do you throw away a trash can?  Yes, I am seriously asking this.  We have an old trash can that we want to get rid of.  So the other day, we (ok let's be real, it's Hubby that puts out the trash) Hubby put out the can.  He put out old standing fan in it as we were throwing that out as well.  We had loads of recyclables and a can full of trash too.  But when all was said and done, both our good trash can and our old trash can remained.  So I ask the question, how do you throw away a trash can?  Next week, I am going to put a sign on the front of it that says "This can is trash.  Please recycle." and hopefully they will take it.  If not, I don't know what else to do.  Just like I don't know what to do about that crazy relaxation breathing therapist.  She called on Tuesday and left a message saying she got my cancellation message and to call her to reschedule.  I, of course, expecting her to call let it go to the machine.  I luckily did the same thing again yesterday when she called back again.  She left a similar message as the one on Tuesday asking me to call so we could reschedule.  My question with her is - Don't you get the hint lady?  I cancelled my appointment and now I'm not calling you back to reschedule.  Get it.  I don't want to talk to her again so I'm not calling her back.  Hopefully she'll stop calling.  In the meantime, I have been prepping my online store for its launch on Monday.  I'm excited and nervous but I really feel this is the next step for me.  I've kind of hit a wall though.  See, before I can list any items, I have to verify my Paypal account which requires me to input two deposit amounts from my bank account.  So, Hubby went out to get those numbers for me but we were unfortunately stumped by the security question "What was the name of your first pet?"  After three tries, it of course locked up.  So Hubby journeyed to the bank and they voided out the question saying that only our second question would appear.  So Hubby tried again and apparently we don't remember where we went to high school (even though we both went to the same one) because we got that one wrong too.  So today Hubby is going back to the bank to straighten things out.  In the meantime, I wait impatiently to start the next phase of my life.  Thank goodness the bank didn't ask "How do you throw away a trash can?" as their security question.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Look Out World, Here Comes Superwoman!

I am on an upswing!  Must be a few good bipolar days for me or something because I have made so much progress yesterday and today.  Yesterday I woke up in a funk.  I could practically see the dark cloud over my head.  It was awful.  I felt hopeless.  I felt despair.  I felt totally useless.  I called my boss and took a mental health day from work and then I talked to a great friend online and did something I didn't know I was going to do that day.  I chucked the new therapist I had been seeing.  That's right.  I kicked her to the curb.  I called (lauckily getting her answering service) and cancelled my appoinment for Friday.  It was like the heavens opened and light was shining down on me.  All of a sudden I had this huge weight lifted off my back that I didn't even realize was there.  I had been dreading my next appointment and now that I had scrapped that I was free.  I called a new therapist and explained to her that what I am looking for is talk therapy not behavioral stuff and she said she will be happy to talk to me.  She even got me in within the next two weeks.  I was light as air at this point so I asked myself, what else do I want to do and have been putting off?  So I started today to set up my online shop.  I have enough  necklaces to start one and can make more if I need to but I thought today is the day.  So I went onto the site and set up shop.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be but I am determined.  I have no items in it yet and probably won't launch it until next week.  But I am doing it damn it!  I am going to be happy!  I've even decided to get healthier and Hubby has agreed to jump on the bandwagon.  We are going to do the "Couch to 5K" program.  I have a friend that did it and another friend who is currently doing it so it has a realistic look to it.  I just hope I can ride this high long enough to see some improvements in my life.  So, now in addition to being a blog about a girl who is switching therapists, it will also be a blog about a girl attempting to shed some pounds and start her own business.  See - a little bit of something for everyone.  I aim to please!

Monday, March 19, 2012

You've Got a Friend (Request) in Me

While I am eternally grateful for facebook, I can't help but think about how this tool has manipulated the way in which we think.  There are people out there that have over 1000 friends.  Over 1000 friends?  If I wrote down the names of everyone I've known my whole life I doubt I'd get to 1000.  This person doesn't have 1000 friends.  They have 1000 people that they clicked "send friend request" for.  They obviously don't have the same definition of friend that many of us have.  I don't have many friends.  That is something that I am working on.  Being more social and maintaining relationships with people.  Mostly I'm focusing on tangible people.  Not that I want to literally touch the people.  That would be weird.  I just find that I am much more able to make friends and meet people when I'm on the inter-web.  Having friends in real life is much harder than that.  You have to make an effort to stay in touch.  Its super easy to be friends with someone who is always at your fingertips and just a click away.  Its harder to set up a time to meet and have lunch and chat for an hour or so.  Number one - you have to get dressed.  This can be challenging for those of us with depression.  Number two - you have to fit it in their schedule because if you are a person with depression and anxiety who doesn't leave the house too much, your schedule is pretty open.  Number three - you have to psych yourself up when the times comes and not find a reason to back out which is super easy to do.  If you're depressed and anxious, you have a million excuses at hand.  Number four - you have to maintain a lively conversation.  You have to make enough eye contact but not too much.  You have to think up witty interesting topics.  You have to endure the periodic silences where other people, normal people, would not even notice but where you sit and wonder why you are such a social freak.  And last but not least Number five - you go home and feel triumphant for about half an hour till you start to think about the lunch and wonder if the other person could tell you went through Numbers one through four.  Its kind of like the stress most people associate with dating only you're not dating, you're just having lunch with a friend.  That is what it is like when you have depression and an anxiety disorder.  I'm hoping this doesn't freak out any of the friends that I DO have lunch and coffee with but only serve to help everyone understand how hard it is for us to do these "normal" things.  That is why most of us retreat to our cyber-haven and seek out "friendships" there.  Some of them DO turn into actual friendships that last for years and through much more than most physical friends would weather with you.  But all too often we end up deleted from someone's friend list with no explanation leaving us wondering yet again - what is wrong with us.

Friday, March 16, 2012

What's Next? Picturing my Happy Place?

I went to therapy again today.  This time she wanted to teach me relaxation breathing and I figured I had already paid my $25 co-pay so I should probably give it a chance.  I was open to the idea until she said she encourages her clients to lie on the couch in her office and participate in the exercise.  I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't do it.  Something about lying on a couch in a psychologist's office was just too cliche for me.  I felt like I would have been a satirical cartoon not a reality so I told her I wasn't comfortable with that and that I would just sit up.  I was proud of myself for standing my ground but it made me wonder again if this is the right fit for me therapy-wise.   And I can't help but feel that going on a weekly basis is a huge step backward from my monthly basis I had previously worked up to.  I am used to talk therapy.  I go in.  I talk about my life.  Problems emerge.  I get guidance on how to deal with them.  I go home.  Simple process, right?  Apparently not because that's not the way this lady does it.  I don't know.  Maybe we'll get to the talking part after the relaxation techniques are over.  The problem with that is she shared with me today that there are four, yes FOUR relaxation techniques she would like to work on with me. And she only wants to focus on one per session.  That's an entire month of relazation techniques.  I just want some basic plain old talk therapy.  That's it.  No elaborate psychoanalysis.  I just can't get past the the fact that dealing with my therapist gives me stress.  Maybe I should use my breathing techniques before I go to therapy.  Ah, the irony of it all.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

That's Ms. Smurfhead to You!

I did it!  I went and got my green hair fixed and now it is a nice smurfy blue.  I love the way it looks.  And I was even there in a thunderstorm watch and I didn't freak out.  The only down side is she wanted to dye all of my hair which did freak out about a little bit.  I like my natural hair color with the blond and the red mixed in with the brown but she really wanted to do the whole thing so she could "do it right".  I don't mind it.  I really haven't looked at it much because I really don't like to look in the mirror much.  But I'm sure its ok.  Hubby said if I don't tell people that they won't even know but I'm not so sure about that.  I am telling all of you so that kind of negates that.  The worst part was when I was finished.  See our daughter had a function at the school at 6 and my appointment was at 4 and was supposed to last until 5:30.  Well, it lasted till 6.  Right when my hubby was taking my daughter to her function a good 15 minutes away.  So I had to wait a nice 20 -25 minutes in this lady's house just sitting there akwardly talking to her and her sons.  It wasn't bad it was just . . . well . . . weird.  But I'm happy with my hair and that's what matters.  I smell like a chemical reaction.  I may just be getting high off my hair but I have this sudden urge to sing la la la-la la-la la la-la la la. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

Hold: Placement Pending

Another Monday, another week.  I'm alone again.  At home.  Trying to find things to do that I want to do that will make my day feel productive.  Not an easy task considering I don't want to do most of the productive things around here - laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc.  I've already done two pages in the scrapbook that I am making for my daughter's graduation party but that's about it so far.  I got to sleep in because Suburbia High School is having their sophomore students report on time to take the Standardized State You-have-to-pass-this-before-you-graduate Tests.  The rest of the students including my senior are on a two hour delay.  So aside from waking up late and scrapbooking I haven't done a whole lot.  I did chat with the girl we were going to adopt.  She was at school and I probably shouldn't condone her lack of attention to her studies by chatting online with her but . . . oh well, she said they weren't doing anything anyway.  I have to admit that I do still go out on the "kid shopping" website and browse around even though we aren't "actively looking" for another child to adopt.  It is strange to see the girls' statuses change to "Hold: Placement Pending" just to be made into "Available" again at some point in the future because one thing or another didn't work out.  "Hold: Placement Pending" means one of two things - either their cases are being reviewed to see if there is any interest from any prospective parents or there are prospective parents who are going through the process of adopting that child.  At the moment, the girl we were going to adopt's status is "Hold: Placement Pending".  When I originally saw this, I was quite saddened in a selfish way.  She was supposed to be our daughter.  How could she be someone else's daughter?  But I have healthily come to terms with it.  It is best for her.  I only hope that if there is a family who is proceeding with adopting her they a) keep her in her home state where she can see her family on occasion, and b) still allow her to talk to me even though I was her almost mom.  But whatever they decide, having a family is what would be best for her.  I have no claim to her.  I have no right to feel saddened.  She is a family friend and that is the extent of it.  But my heart holds on still.  Why?  I don't know.  I don't know why I can't just walk away.  Why I have to keep this connection.  Why even though she never will be, she still feels like family.  I guess time heals all wounds and eventually the wound that whole experience left on my heart will heal but till then, I will worry about her and wonder if she is being taken care of, if she is happy, and if she really misses me too.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Maternal Contentment and the Art of Philanthropy

I just spent an hour in the basement clearing out old crap.  Hubby was with me so it wasn't too bad.  It basically consisted of me going through boxes and handing crap to Hubby saying "Trash" or "Donate".  We got rid of a lot of stuff - three bags of trash and a bunch of boxes to donate.  It feels good to get stuff cleaned out.  Some of the stuff was trash, some of it was things to be donated without pause and some of it was sentimental in value.  I thought the sentimental stuff would be harder to get rid of but it wasn't.  I stopped at one point on a shirt and thought "This would be cute in a t-shirt quilt".  Then I remembered the pile of t-shirts I already have upstairs that are not yet in quilt form and thought "This would be more beneficial to someone as a t-shirt."  What a beautiful thought.  What a beautiful freeing thought.  I don't know if I've been taken over by the spirit of someone who can actually accomplish this stuff but I was definately on a roll.  I was getting rid of stuff right and left.  I've never felt so free.  It was liberating.  The thing is that I have to be in the mood to get rid of stuff.  It's strange how that happens.  One day I can be holding onto things and remembering old times.  The next day I can be throwing out the thing I was fixated on the day before.  Its strange.  I'm strange.  Now I have a few boxes of papers that I have to go through before they can just be thrown out.  Its sad that we live in a world where you can't just throw things away because someone somewhere might go through your trash.  Sigh.  What a wonderful world we live in huh?  Well, at least nothing happened at the school on Friday although I think if someone were going to do something, they would wait until a day where there were actually people there.  Great.  Now I'm afraid to send my daughter to school tomorrow.  I tell you where I am not sending her at the moment - Walt Disney World.  Yes, I decided that my daughter's education is more important than a trip to Orlando.  It was all just too much.  The dates were wrong.  The flights cost a lot.  Most of the hotels were booked up.  It was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  Just wasn't going to happen.  So I sit here - mouseless and wonder what tomorrow will bring.  Guess I'll go work on my "Good Things About Me" list.  I guess considering the concession I made about the Florida trip, I could start off with "a good mom".

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Little Miss Crankypants

I called the girl to fix the color in my hair and she was nice - as usual I just made things out to be worse than they really are.  I have no villian at the moment so I'm kind of cranky.  It is a beautiful day outside and I'm still cranky.  I had a productive day and I'm still cranky.  I had a breakfast date with my hubby and I'm still cranky.  What the hell is my problem?  Oh, that's right, I have Mood Disorder N. O. S.  There I go again.  Making myself be the disorder.  My therapist says that I shouldn't let my disorders define who I am but when your disorders affect majority of your thoughts, actions, and emotions, how do you differentiate yourself from the disorder without ending up with a split personality.  Which, I might add is a whole other disorder. I think I'm just tired.  My doc allowed me to go off of one of my meds upon my request.  Sometimes I get tired of putting so many extra chemicals into my body even if they are needed or have good results.  It was the med that helped me to sleep.  I'm falling asleep just fine but I'm not sleeping as deeply or as soundly as I was before.  When I wake up at night (and I do wake up many times with or without the medication) I find that I am more awake and alert than with my medication which makes me realize that the medication was actually doing something.  The trouble is that I don't want to go back on the medicine but I want to be getting enough sleep.  Whatever.  I'm just cranky and that's the way its going to be today.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Billie Joe Armstrong is My Idol (Title Has No Relation to my Post I'm Just Singing Green Day on Guitar Hero While Trying to Come Up with a Title)

I went to my therapy appointment today and it went well.  I was so scared that she was going to be angry with me for buying the wrong book but she wasn't and if she was, she didn't let me know it.  The workbook I have is on Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  She said she didn't know much about it but she had heard good things.  I'm on page 40 so I think its going well.  Most things would have lost my attention by page 10.  But this I'm finding interesting.  It is reminding me that not everything I do is negative.  There are some good things to me.  That's what I have to do for my next therapy session next Friday - make a list of good things about me.  It'll be tough.  I'm not really one to see the good in things let alone myself.  But the book is helping.  And believe it or not, today's therapy session helped too.  I was convinced that it wouldn't.  Actually, I was convinced that my therapist was a puppy kicking, hair pulling bully.  But she's not.  She is nice.  I don't know why I tend to villify everyone.  Ok, so maybe not everyone.  Just her mostly.  But I did do it.  I wish I wouldn't.  I wish I could go through life with lollipops and rainbows like my hubby.  But I must be true to myself and until I've gone through enough therapy with Dr. Not-Cruella-Deville to learn differently I guess I will continue to villify someone most of the time.  I mean what good is a story without a villian.  I'll try to limit it to one person at a time.  Now, I just have to call that kitten punching, shin kicking chick who is going to fix my blue-green hair color.  I'm sure in reality she's really sweet.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Suburban Scare

I am kind of freaking out at the moment.  I know - so what's new with that?  But I am seriously serious this time.  Not that I'm not serious any other time but . . . ok, to the point.  I just got an e-mail from my daughter's school saying that a threat has been made on a bathroom wall by an unknown person that states that "something" will happen at the school on Friday.  What?  You send me this in an e-mail?  This is serious stuff people.  I'm hoping like everyone else that it is just a hoax but in today's world, you cannot afford to think that way.  The e-mail said they are taking it seriously and are upping the police presence at the school this week but that really doesn't help me to feel any better.  I want to go to the school right now and pick my daughter up and home school her for the rest of the year.  I'm assuming that the kids don't know yet because as of my dropping her off this morning she had no clue but then again neither did I.  Why weren't we told of this yesterday if they found it after school!  Why wait till all the children are at the school and at risk the next day to let everyone know.  Probably because they were too busy with their levy last night.  I don't know.  I'm just still kind of freaking out.  I've talked to a few friends but its hard to understand until its your kid in the face of possible danger.  When you see things like this on the tv, they almost don't seem real.  You think "what is this world coming to?" but its the world out there not the world in here.  This time it is my kid.  This time it is my community.  This time it hits home.  I just checked some of the social networking sites and they are talking about it.  It is supposed to be a school shooting that will happen.  Great.  No school for my daughter tomorrow or Friday.  I'll be keeping her home.  Call me paranoid but if you get a warning wouldn't you heed it?  I'm having enough trouble not putting my coat on right now and going over and getting her out of school.  But she's there.  And I'm trying to trust that she is safe.  But once she is home I'm not giving her back.  This when there was just a facebook posting about a potential shooting planned at the middle school yesterday.  With that threat, they evacuated the school and diverted busses.  With this one, they wait and let the kids come to school.  Doesn't make sense to me.  Seems that a second threat in as many days would warrant a more cautious approach.  I don't know what they're thinking.  Unfortunately for this post I have no witty ending.  Let's just hope in reality its a happy ending.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Mouse Versus Master's

I got my hair cut last night and now you can really see the blue . . . I mean green, I guess.  Apparently when you put aqua blue over blond you get green.  Go figure.  I guess I learned that in elementary school.  Yellow and blue make green.  Just never thought of it in relation to hair before.  Anyway, I'm sitting on my couch typing this blog post watching a reality tattoo show.  I'm on my new laptop.  I am excited but I'm also thinking this may not be the best thing for me.  I may never leave my couch now.  I'm also having a love/hate relationship with the program that is on.  I love tattoos.  I want more tattoos.  But a couple years ago I had a doc tell me that I should never, ever get another one. He said with all of my allergies it wouldn't be a good idea and could very well make my immune system go crazy.  I had to ask one more time, so I checked with my current doc and he said the same thing.  Boooooo!  No more tatts for me :(  So I will relish my one and covet the sleeves and body artwork of others.  I am also at the moment trying to figure out a way to get to Orlando for cheap.  Since Hubby is headed that way for work, I figured if we just tack a vacation onto the beginning of it (its our daughter's spring break), it saves us the airfare for one person since his company will pick up his tab.  We have the money.  That's not really the problem.  The problem lies in that money should really go toward our daughter's education.  Especially considering that at one of the universities she was considering, our bill would be $17000 after any and all aid including her loans!  Yikes!  Sucks to be working middle class.  You get squat when it comes to higher education. It has kind of put me in the mindset of "we'll never get that much so why try?"  I have one more idea as to how to get her education funded but I'm not letting that feline out of the sack until it is over and done with and either successful or not.  So I will crunch numbers and search and weigh out the benefits of Mickey Mouse versus her Master's.  There really isn't much more to report from my couch.  Hey, now that I can compute from my favorite rear rest, I think maybe I'll write that novel that's in my head.  Once upon a time . . . there was this girl who never left her couch . . . except to go to Orlando :)

Monday, March 5, 2012

Long Time, No Blog

Hello there stranger!  It's been some time hasn't it?  I let myself get into a bit of an insecure funk and couldn't bring myself to blog but hopefully I'm back - at least no more breaks of longer than a month.  I can't believe that I didn't blog even once in February.  It must have been a much bigger funk than I thought it was.  Oh well, you can't go back and change what's in the past.  You can only change what will happen in the future with your actions of the present.  Wow.  Pretty profound for me dontcha think?  I continue to drive my daughter to school and pick her up everyday.  Tomorrow is Super Tuesday (although they really should call it Pain-in-the-Ass Tuesday with all the political crap that's everywhere you turn) and we get to vote on the tax levy again tomorrow.  Not that that will change anything for this year.  I shouldn't really complain.  It gets my butt out of the house each weekday at least twice - once fully dressed, no jamas!  Super Tuesday is really bumming me out though.  My phone rings ten times a day and each time I get excited thinking its an actual person for me but its not.  Its just some bogus recorded message telling me to vote for Mr. Slimeball because he's the least creepy of the candidates.  Nothing like reminding me that I have no friends who actually call me Mr. Slimeball.  Way to get my hopes up.  But I'm working on it.  This no friends thing.  Don't get me wrong, I have tons of acquaintances but not many that fall into the realm of friends and the ones that do fall into my strict definition of friend usually live at a distance and I'm not really all that good at keeping up with those relationships.  Maybe I need to redefine my definition of friend.  Maybe I need to be more socially active.  Maybe I lost my therapist and am not sure if I like the new lady and so I'm looking to you guys for emotional and psychological guidance.  Yeah, I think that last one hit the nail on the head.  After six years of intense work, my therapist had to quit for medical reasons.  I feel bad for her - really I do.  But I also feel bad for me.  I feel like six years of work has just gone down the drain.  Nothing like starting all over again.  After much agonizing, I chose a new therapist or at least a candidate for my new therapist and I'm not sure if I like her or not.  So far, most of what we have done is background work - when were you hospitalized, what progress have you made, what was your original diagnosis - that kind of stuff.  Surprisingly I've learned that I have a more in depth diagnosis than I thought I did (Who knew I was agoraphobic or borderline bipolar in addition to the OCD, depression and panic attacks?) as well as the fact that I indeed had made considerable progress over those last six years (Boundaries.  I got 'em now babe.)  I guess its a little like watching your kids grow up.  Its so small every day, every week that when you really step back and look at it - holy cow they've grown!  Anyway, I've decided to document my search for a new therapist in the hopes of helping others who may go through the same thing.  So far, aside from the background, she has assigned me to buy a workbook on relaxation techniques and stress management.  I didn't.  Instead I bought a workbook on depression and anxiety.  I've been using it and it seems to be helpful so far.  I guess we'll see what "Dr. Number 2" has to say about my rebellion.  If she's not ok with it, I don't think I'm ok with her.  I see her again on Friday so we'll see how it goes.  This will be my third weekly visit.  I hate to tell her, I'm not really looking for relaxation techniques.  I'm not there yet.  I'm looking for ways to stop obsessive thoughts, improve my self-esteem, and break out of this funk for starters.  Frankly, I think even though she has the degree, I am the one who should know what I need.  I need to work through my severe anxiety before I go deep breathing and picturing my happy place.  If nothing else comes from my having this depressive funk, at least I have my new blue hair!