Long Time, No Blog

Hello there stranger!  It's been some time hasn't it?  I let myself get into a bit of an insecure funk and couldn't bring myself to blog but hopefully I'm back - at least no more breaks of longer than a month.  I can't believe that I didn't blog even once in February.  It must have been a much bigger funk than I thought it was.  Oh well, you can't go back and change what's in the past.  You can only change what will happen in the future with your actions of the present.  Wow.  Pretty profound for me dontcha think?  I continue to drive my daughter to school and pick her up everyday.  Tomorrow is Super Tuesday (although they really should call it Pain-in-the-Ass Tuesday with all the political crap that's everywhere you turn) and we get to vote on the tax levy again tomorrow.  Not that that will change anything for this year.  I shouldn't really complain.  It gets my butt out of the house each weekday at least twice - once fully dressed, no jamas!  Super Tuesday is really bumming me out though.  My phone rings ten times a day and each time I get excited thinking its an actual person for me but its not.  Its just some bogus recorded message telling me to vote for Mr. Slimeball because he's the least creepy of the candidates.  Nothing like reminding me that I have no friends who actually call me Mr. Slimeball.  Way to get my hopes up.  But I'm working on it.  This no friends thing.  Don't get me wrong, I have tons of acquaintances but not many that fall into the realm of friends and the ones that do fall into my strict definition of friend usually live at a distance and I'm not really all that good at keeping up with those relationships.  Maybe I need to redefine my definition of friend.  Maybe I need to be more socially active.  Maybe I lost my therapist and am not sure if I like the new lady and so I'm looking to you guys for emotional and psychological guidance.  Yeah, I think that last one hit the nail on the head.  After six years of intense work, my therapist had to quit for medical reasons.  I feel bad for her - really I do.  But I also feel bad for me.  I feel like six years of work has just gone down the drain.  Nothing like starting all over again.  After much agonizing, I chose a new therapist or at least a candidate for my new therapist and I'm not sure if I like her or not.  So far, most of what we have done is background work - when were you hospitalized, what progress have you made, what was your original diagnosis - that kind of stuff.  Surprisingly I've learned that I have a more in depth diagnosis than I thought I did (Who knew I was agoraphobic or borderline bipolar in addition to the OCD, depression and panic attacks?) as well as the fact that I indeed had made considerable progress over those last six years (Boundaries.  I got 'em now babe.)  I guess its a little like watching your kids grow up.  Its so small every day, every week that when you really step back and look at it - holy cow they've grown!  Anyway, I've decided to document my search for a new therapist in the hopes of helping others who may go through the same thing.  So far, aside from the background, she has assigned me to buy a workbook on relaxation techniques and stress management.  I didn't.  Instead I bought a workbook on depression and anxiety.  I've been using it and it seems to be helpful so far.  I guess we'll see what "Dr. Number 2" has to say about my rebellion.  If she's not ok with it, I don't think I'm ok with her.  I see her again on Friday so we'll see how it goes.  This will be my third weekly visit.  I hate to tell her, I'm not really looking for relaxation techniques.  I'm not there yet.  I'm looking for ways to stop obsessive thoughts, improve my self-esteem, and break out of this funk for starters.  Frankly, I think even though she has the degree, I am the one who should know what I need.  I need to work through my severe anxiety before I go deep breathing and picturing my happy place.  If nothing else comes from my having this depressive funk, at least I have my new blue hair!