Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I'm Melting . . . I'm Melting . . . Oh, What a World.

The air conditioning in my office is broken again.  Big surprise.  It breaks about three times a summer and I guess its just getting an early start this year.  It was 82 degrees when I left about 15 minutes early because I just couldn't take it anymore.  I don't mind my job.  I only work two days a week for four hours a day so its more of a chance to get out of the house than it is work but it is also one of the hardest jobs in the world.  See, I work for a church.  You would think that would make it one of the most enjoyable places to work.  You'd think.  My boss - well, the pastor, he says not to call him the boss - is a cool guy and we get along like peas and carrots but overall, the job has really opened my eyes to what people are really like.  <screeching halt>  I was about to go on and on about my job but in today's world where people are fired for voicing their opinions, I figured it is better to zip my lips than to share all the gritty details.  There are quite a few things that I would love to share but the popularity of this blog makes me hesitate.  Am I really incognito on here?  Can all this be traced back to me?  I know some of you know exactly who I am but some of you do not and I kind of like it that way.  But in this world of interconnected cyber-being, can you ever really be sure that what you are saying is not going to be taken the wrong way by the wrong people.  Is it worth risking relationships just to be able to voice my opinions?  Should I continue to vent at the risk of offending those reading or worse yet being written about?  I just don't know.  Remember what it was like before all of this big brother cyber-snooping?  Back when you got into college for what you did and didn't get rejected because of what was on your facebook page?  I was taking a walk down memory lane the other day with my mom and she was talking about when her family would go to a local amusement park and when her dad was done working, he would come down and meet them.  I was baffled.  I couldn't understand how that happened without cell phones.  Too bad we can't get back to a simpler way of life.  While our techno-abilities are great, I can't help but long for those days gone by.  I think this is it.  I knew it would happen one day.  I'm getting old.  Either that or I have heat stroke - which is very, very possible.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Phorced Philosophical Phindings

I am back!!!  Where have I been?  Well, its a long story.  See, first I tore the muscles between my ribs which is just as painful as breaking your ribs without the convenience of being able to say "yeah, I broke my ribs."  Then on top of that, and while on antibiotics, I contracted a nasty little virus that includes coughing up a lung approximately every five minutes.  Apparently I was contagious because then our computer caught a nasty little virus of its own.  So we have been without a computer.  Talk about realizing how much you rely on technology.  I've felt like all of a sudden I was thrust back to the time of "Little House on the Prarie".  I sat in our one room shanty with the oil lantern and all I had to access the internet was my nook.  Poor me.  But boy has it been a tough week or so.  The nook is great don't get me wrong but its screen is small and with my giant fingers, I am apt to take six or seven tries before I finally get the letter, button, or destination that I want.  But that little nook has been a lifesaver.  I was able to access facebook even though I couldn't chat and I was able to check my email even if it was only through webmail.  (This is an unpaid advertisement for the Barnes & Noble nook color.)  I was able to go almost anywhere on the web and do almost anything with one exception - I couldn't blog - which was pure hell what with the world ending this past Saturday and all.  Its really amazing to me but apparently heaven looks just like earth and all of my friends and family are here too.  There's a philosophical question for you.  How do you know if you're dead?  You know like in the "Sixth Sense".  What if the next life looks just like a continuation of this one?  An identical alternate universe.  Its one of those questions like is the color that I see as green really green when seen through your eyes or are you seeing my version of blue and are just conditioned to know that as green?  Wow, see what techno-deprivation will do to you.  It'll make you think and who needs that?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

School Daze

I got an interesting friend request today on facebook.  It was from a girl that I went to high school with.  How she found me I have no idea.  I don't have my high school listed on my profile and nowhere on my profile does it even give my maiden name.  She doesn't know my family.  I thought I was incognito enough to avoid being found - but no.  She won the prize because she tracked me down.  The friend request was nice and polite, making sure it was indeed me.  I hesitated for some time and thought about whether or not to click confirm.  I also got a message from her saying the same thing as the friend request.  I thought "Wow.  She's really happy that she found me."  I got awash with the nostalgic warm fuzzies and allowed my mouse to hover over confirm and then . . . click . . . and I was immediately invited to my twenty year high school reunion.  What the hell?  But there is no putting the toothpaste back in the tube.  The can was open and the worms were all over the floor.  The room was spinning a little and those warm fuzzies were now creeping in the corners of my eyes with shades of blackness.  Now, not only did this girl track me down but she shared me with everyone else in the class of '91.  Great.  Just what I wanted.  High school was rough for me.  I didn't enjoy it and I don't care to relive it in any way shape or form.  This includes a reunion.  Sure, let's just gather together all of the people who didn't like me in a bar and talk at length about the names they used to call me.  Or better yet, let's recreate the late 80's/early 90's and have me pay $30 to sit at a table all by myself with nobody to talk to.  Yeah, that'll be fun.  Sounds like a blast.  Hello.  People.  There's a reason I didn't maintain contact with you and you had no desire to maintain contact with me.  We weren't friends.  We were classmates.  There is a BIG difference there.  At least in my book there is.  Sure there are one or two people I would love to see but those people know who they are.  They were at my wedding.  They have met my daughter.  They were NICE to me way back when.  We may have lost contact but those people will always be in my heart.  Its unfortunate that high school was so hellish that I have to miss out on seeing those few people I want to see due to the risk of renewed rejection from all the rest.  So to the happy, popular kids, have fun reliving your glory days.  Too bad they are over.  To the few people I wish to see again, if you ever read this you will know who you are and can reunite with me if you'd like.  No pressure.  And to myself, kudos to you for leaving that part of life behind you and moving on.  I may never click "confirm" again in my life.

Monday, May 16, 2011


Well, after a very tiring weekend, we are finally home safe and sound.  This weekend included two emergency shopping trips, an emergency hair consultation, a meeting with the guardian ad lidem for Frontrunner, a college graduation party that made us feel really old, preparations for prom including nails, hair and make-up, prom pictures, dinner, prom, after prom, a trip to Pennsylvania, a baby baptism and reception, two . . . wait no . . . three runs through a deluge of rain, a campus tour, a hotel stay, and dinner with the parents.  When you spell it all out like that its no wonder I'm so tired.  I have never been so busy, tired, and wet in my life.  But I am happy.  I am an official, unofficial Fairy Godmummy.  My brother Uncle Fabulous (formerly Uncle Crazy) and his wife Aunt Fabulous asked me to be a Godmother to Baby Fabulous.  After much strife involving the Catholic church and their disappointment that neither I nor Aunt Fab's sister had a penis, it was decided that I would be a Godmummy - just not on the official Catholic books.  Which is fine by me.  I'm not exactly a facebook friend of the Catholic church or anything although technically I am still a registered parishoner at St. Up-the-street's.  I was included in the ceremony just like the Godparents who are on the up and up.  But the important thing is that Baby Fab will know me as Fairy Godmummy.  And after all, isn't the child the important thing here.  Isn't it her soul that is the focus and not what we had to do to humor the Catholic church.  And what more could I want.  I held her, kissed her, fed her, burped her and when she poohed, I gave her back.  Ah, there is nothing sweeter than getting all the perks without the work.  God bless you Baby Fab!  I'll make sure you know to get home before midnight!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Flight to Suburbia: Cancelled

I just downed a half quart of cherry cheesecake ice cream straight from the carton which means - I am upset.  I was so upset yesterday that I couldn't even blog about it.  But today I have decided to share because I want all of those following along in our saga to be up to date.  Yesterday we e-mailed the Faraway social worker to ask for additional visits before Frontrunner came to live with us on her "moved up move in date".  We stated that we needed additional time with her and that everything was happening very quickly with last week's news of moving up the move in date to before June 6th when foster parents are going out of the country.  We even suggested using us as respite care during that time and counting that as our visit.  Easy peasy.  Problem solved.  We get another extended visit.  Frontrunner gets to finish out her school year in Faraway.  Faraway social worker gets to take her time with the paperwork.  Anyway, we heard back from Faraway social worker who said there would be no Memorial Day visit or visit for respite care.  There would be no more visits until after Frontrunner graduates from middle school at the end of June.  WHAT?!?!?!  At the recommendation of Frontrunner's therapist, all visits have been called off until late June at the earliest.  What the hell kind of therapist recommends that in order to help with an adjustment to something new, you should totally separate yourself from that new thing for an extended period of time?  We asked for more visits, they in turn took away the visit that was planned.  We were told the decision was a done deal.  Later that night when texting with Frontrunner, we found out that she was aware of this cancellation.  We asked when she found out.  She didn't know.  We asked who told her.  She didn't know.  We asked why it was called off.  She didn't know.  Okay?  Seems a little fishy to me.  What I want to know is why we were the only ones who were not told that this visit was not going to happen?  If we hadn't asked Faraway social worker for more visits, we would still be in the dark.  I understand the main focus here has to be the kid but it seems like nobody is taking the potential adoptive parents' feeling and needs into consideration let alone just keeping us informed.  I feel completely out of the loop.  One minute they are pushing her here early.  The next minute we can't even get a visit.  I am just worried that we are getting strung along or forced out of the picture for some reason.  I try not to say too much to Frontrunner but she is the only one communicating with us at this point.  We tried to talk to the therapist.  The proper paperwork wasn't filled out on Faraway social worker's end.  She tried to bail on Frontrunner's last visit as well.  If she wants her to be adopted, why doesn't she want her coming here.  She's the one that matched us and chose us as the adoptive family.  I'm not going to make any comments on how I feel people are doing or not doing their jobs.  It is your conclusion to come to based on what you now know.  Our social worker is trying to get some answers for us and in the meantime, we will be talking to the guardian ad lidem to see if he can answer some of our questions on Frontrunner, the process and anything else he can possibly tell us.  All we can do is wait to get some answers.  This process is hell.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Making a List and Checking It Twice . . . Three times . . . Okay One Last Time and I'm Done I Swear . . .

It is better to overreact given the situation.  I was right.  I'm not crazy.  I heard what I heard and I knew I heard it.  That said, I didn't learn much new at therapy yesterday.  Except maybe that fact that I should be going weekly and not monthly at this point.  Too many things going on.  Too much stress.  Too many major life decisions involving major life changes for me not to have a sounding board at this point.  The trouble now is that Hubby thinks my sounding board is swaying me in one direction.  I look at it more as snapping me back into reality.  Either way, my feelings on this are worse than hormonal mood swings.  All I know is I cannot put myself through this again.  If its not gonna work this time, then its just not gonna work.  Period.  I need a good list of pros and cons.  And not one of those bogus lists of pros and cons that I always make where everything is a pro and a con.  I need to stick to the facts and feelings and decide if each item is a pro or a con.  Maybe that will at least help me to think things through a bit.  And I like making lists.  I do.  I will even add things to my list of things to do that aren't on it.  If I have forgotten to put something on there, I will write it on once I finish it just so I can cross it off.  Drawing that little line through an item gives me such a feeling of accomplishment.  But then again, I never know when to end the lists.  At what point do you stop adding things.  When will my list of pros and cons be complete?  When I am happy with the column that has won?  When I have thought of every infinite possibility that could maybe occur?  God the thought of making a list is stressing me out.  It's not on my list but I think I'll go take a nap.

Friday, May 6, 2011

A Freudian Slip-pery Slope

Today I had a therapy session.  Yes, I go to therapy.  You got a problem with that.  Didn't think so.  Anyway, aside from the fact that I'm a little defensive about it, my session today was . . . well . . . confusing.  I took Hubby with me because I felt that I needed the support and since we were going to discuss the same topics we did last time and last time he came, I just figured that his coming was a given.  Nope.  There was an early morning crisis as I debated whether or not he should come.  The problem wasn't whether or not he should come, the problem was he didn't really want to come.  He had been encouraging me all week to go by myself.  I didn't want him to come, I wanted him to want to come.  He gave in and came.  We chatted and discussed many issues I will not specify here.  The hour went by too quickly and before I knew it my therapist had picked up her pen (the sign we as her clients are taught means time to pay - its all rather Pavlovian).  But we were just in the middle of something.  We were just getting to the good part.  What do you mean its time to pay and be on my way.  I quickly voiced my desire to come back as soon as possible hoping on some unrealistic level that she would just let us stay a few more hours.  But it is Friday, so I have to wait until Monday to go back.  By then I will have lost my place.  My thoughts will be subdued and it'll basically be like starting over.  When we left the office and Hubby stated that he didn't really learn anything new (what my ears hear: that was a waste of time and I didn't need to come).  But he did speak in there.  So there was a purpose to him coming.  I thought we did well.  I thought we made progress.  I thought we both learned new things about how to cope and deal and strive to be the ever elusive "normal".  Instead, I have an appointment on Monday and I'm pretty sure that justifies what I'm pretty sure he is thinking - the problem is me.  I think its better to overreact instead of being oblivious.  He thinks the other way around.  We were told to meet in the middle but due to our circumstances in our particular situation it is better to ____________.  I fill in the blank with overreact.  He says she said no such thing.  I wrote it down so I can check with her and find out what exactly she said on Monday.  Of course he won't be there so he might not believe me when I tell him the answer.  The right answer.  My answer.  I can't believe we argued about this on the way home from the therapist.  Great.  Nothing like a little therapy to come between us.
To Be Continued on Monday . . . After My Session . . .