Monday, June 27, 2011

Reality: The Great Wake-up Call

The other day my Grandma fell and broke three ribs.  A horrible thing for anyone but especially horrible to a lady in her eighties.  She is quite bruised up from what I understand.  But she is one stubborn Polish chick.  She fell at about 3 am and didn't tell anyone until 10 am.  Seven whole hours she sat there in pain!  Now I know where I get my stubborn streak from.  But this latest fall got me to thinking about just how fragile life is and with that thought came the wonderful "cloud of depression" settling over me.  I kind of think this time it is descending over the entire family.  We have watched as a family as those elderly pillars of strength have become weaker and weaker but there was always a sense of "they've always been there and always will be".  They have beat the odds numerous time, but now I think we are facing the fact that there is no way "always being there" is possible.  Things need looked at in the light of reality and not through rose-colored glasses.  While they cherish their independence is it indeed in their best interest.  I hope these subjects are being broached by those with more authority than me.  I am but a mere grandchild and would quickly be given the evil eye if I were to bring it up to the family.  Plus I am not there - geographically.  So I sit here and brood because I am so far away that I hardly ever get to see them anymore.  Its a fact that I can't really help but it stills hurts.  My visits have always been marked with the passing notion of "I wonder when I'll see everyone again".  Now, that will be followed by "if I ever see them again".  My own mortality is settling around me and making me solemn.  Everyone that we have in our lives is a gift.  Every moment we have in our lives is a joy.  Make the most of it.  Write a letter, make a phone call, go for a visit, but let those you love know that you love them.  You don't know when that moment may slip right out of your hands.

Friday, June 24, 2011

This is the Story of a Girl who Cried a River and Drowned the Whole World

Today was one of the hardest days of my entire life.  See Monday, the social worker in Far Away was supposed to tell Frontrunner that we would not be adopting her.  Wednesday she still didn't know.  Thursday she still didn't know.  Today when she was chatting with me on the computer, she still didn't know.  I felt like I was lying by omission.  It sucked.  I had not idea when the social worker was actually going to tell her and I thought it cruel not to so I told her.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.  I spent the entire time blubbering and sobbing.  Our decision was multi-faceted but the main reason were her family ties.  Her family ties were from our point of view much stronger than we were led to believe.  Not that we wouldn’t allow a child to have any family bonds, its just that we didn’t feel right moving her over a thousand miles away from those family ties.  We don’t feel that the adjustment to a new community and school that is tremendously larger than the community and school she currently is a part of was going to go smoothly at all.  She would miss out on the personal attention that she receives in that environment.  She also had a ton of freedom and control in her current situation.  Freedom and control she would have lost by coming to live with us and our rules.  It would have felt like a prison.  It was a heart-wrenching decision but we felt it was in her best interest.  I reassured her that we love her and we really do.  I will always love her.  I am just afraid that she hates me.  Hates us.  I still want to be there for her as a support in her life but fear she will shut us out completely.  I am grieving this loss and have no interest in looking for another child to adopt.  I feel like a mean, heartless monster.  I just hope some day she can forgive me.  Great, I’m crying again.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Blessed Be the Tithe that Binds

We got a letter some time ago from the catholic church of which we are official registered non-attending members.  Basically, it said this:  Their campaign to increase their members' giving has been successful and their incoming finances are better than expected so please, give more.  Yup, that's right they have extra money and they still want even more.  I just don't get it.  Yesterday, we got two phone calls solicating money for police forces.  Two in one day!  One was for the local sheriff and the other for the state police.  I'm sorry but I thought that was what I paid taxes for but now you want to call my house asking for more?  Then there are the weekly calls we get from the vietnam veterans, the lupus foundation and many other organizations asking if we have anything to donate to their cause.  They of course take items as donation but don't they think calling every week is a bit obsessive.  Oh, and my favorite, the college that my husband attended calls about once a week to ask for "alumni support".  Are you kidding?  First off, he went to school on-line so he didn't really experience your campus which coincidentally could use many new, improved buildings and lots of other expensive crap.  Second, we had to pay the huge price tag for his education.  Why would we continue to fork over more cash?  Shortly after receiving our well worded begging from St. Down the Street's, we got yet another request in the mail.  This time from the regional catholic diocese asking for money for their fundraising campaign.  It seems to me that when it comes to these organizations the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing because both hands are open and asking for cash.  Working at a church, I type the hymn titles into the weekly bulletin for the parishoners.  I always chuckle when I type the hymn "Blessed Be The Tie that Binds".  I can't help but think to myself the more appropriate title would be "Blessed Be the Tithe that Binds".  Hee hee!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Lost and Found

Why is it that when you need something you can never find it?  Or maybe its everything you lost is something you need?  Because if it was lost and you didn't need it, would you even realize it was lost?  Either way, we had to make an emergency shopping trip today to get an orange shirt.  See, my daughter's senior pictures are tomorrow.  One of the outfits we had planned was black pants and an orange top (her school colors) to be worn in the picture with her color guard flag.  So of course, we couldn't find it.  We looked in the laundry room, the laundry itself, her closet, her floor (she is a teenager) and even my closet.  That orange shirt was not to be found.  I know when it will turn up.  About dinner time tomorrow.  After the photo session.  I have to admit, I am extremely nervous about this photo session.  More nervous than if I were the one getting my picture taken.  That's because I'm the one that has to pay for the pictures.  That part I am not looking forward to.  $60 for an 8x10.  And we need three 8x10's to begin with.  That's a lot in my book.  So I'm nervous that these pictures won't turn out perfect because if I'm gonna pay that much for pictures, they need to be perfect.  We are supposed to take about eight or nine outfits of which the photographer will pick the four best ones (for photographic purposes.)  They said no white, no pastels, no short sleeves.  That ruled out over half of her closet.  I have news for him, we are bringing clothes that are short sleeved and - gasp! - even some prints.  We had to go out and get some pieces to complete a few outfits and ended up spending over $100 easy - and that was before the pictures!  Then we had to think about jewelry and shoes and hair and make up and then she got sunburned last Thursday so we're hoping her nose isn't peeling tomorrow.  Jeez!  Oh well, I guess that's the price you pay for having a teenaged daughter!  Wouldn't trade her for the world though - unless of course you hold the secret to where all my missing things have gone.  Then we'll need to talk :)

Friday, June 17, 2011

Do You Want the Good News or the Bad News?

You know how people always ask if you want he good news or the bad news first?  How about no news.  That would be good.  I would love to have no news at the moment.  See, the appliance repairman has come and gone, the car is at the garage, and in an hour the birds have to make the hour and a half trip to the avian vet.  My credit card is about ready to self-destruct!  I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for everything.  All I know is that I have until the Visa bill gets here to come up with a plan.  But for every bit of good news today has brought, there has been even worse bad news.  First, there was the clothes dryer:

Good News - It is no longer squeaking. 
Bad News - The guy said it is the motor and when that goes we will need to get a new dryer.

Then there was the auto mechanic:

Good News - The brakes on Hubby's car will be fixed for a reasonable price of $450. 
Bad News - It will still be very, VERY hot in his car since it would have been $1000 to fix the a/c whos-a-ma-whats-it and thing-a-ma-jig (new tires needed but not included in that price).

I'm not sure I want to hear the good news and the subsequent bad news from the vet!  I don't want to say "what else could possibly go wrong" because today, it will.  It's just one of those days.  But I will be here smiling, running my clothes dryer to death and braking Hubby's car every ten feet all while most likely force feeding the birds some sort of bird medication!  Why?  Because I can.  Oh, and so that you all don't feel left out:

Good News:  I blogged today.
Bad News:  It's a pretty boring blog where I just complain.

Monday, June 13, 2011

More Adventures of Clueless Me

Well, I did it again.  This morning I took my daughter to the dentist for a cleaning.  Everything went fine and we don't even have to worry about the dreaded wisdom teeth.  At least not yet.  We said good-bye to the receptionist, walked out the door, got in the car and nothing.  The car wouldn't start and it was completely my fault.  You may ask how this was my fault.  Allow me to explain.  See when I pulled in the parking space I had to turn the steering wheel and I didn't straighten the steering wheel back out before putting it in park and cutting the ignition.  For some unknown reason, doing this renders the car completely useless.  I tried turning the steering wheel to the right to straighten out the wheels but with the car turned off that was next to impossible.  I tried hanging on the steering wheel to the right.  I tried using my legs and my arms to turn it to the right.  I had my daughter help me try to turn it to the right.  There was no way to straighten out the wheels and get the car to start.  Of all places to be stuck on a chilly, now raining morning.  I mean, I like my dentist but not enough to just hang around the office for the heck of it.  I reluctantly surrendered and called my hubby who works five minutes down the road to come to my rescue.  While waiting for him to arrive, we tried again and again to straighten those wheels by turning the steering wheel to the right to no avail.  We discussed how there was no solution to the problem other than lifting the front of the car off of the ground so we could straighten the wheels.  But neither of us having Herculean strength, that was not really an option.  Hubby arrived with a smile on his face, hopped in the car and started it.  That's right it started right up!  I was thrilled.  I was in awe.  I was severely embarrassed when he explained to me that he had turned the wheel to the left.  Sometimes I amaze myself with my lack of common sense.  :)

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Unicorns Save the Day - Again!

I tend to overreact.  I admit it.  When I hear something my mind immediately goes to the worst case scenerio.  Upon hearing news, I pick up the glass that was half empty and dump the rest of it out.  Prepare for the worst.  That's my motto.  If your standards are so low, then you are most likely to be pleasantly surprised when things go even slightly better than awful.  My hubby calls it being paranoid.  I prefer to call it being preparanoid.  Because of my outlook, I am usually able to handle whatever life throws at me.  Like today when my daughter called at 8:00 am and told me that we still owed the band/colorguard program at the school $100 and they would be putting an academic hold on her grades until we sorted things out.  Great I thought!  What could be worse than finding this out on the last day of school!  I, the queen of the disorganized, had no idea where the check carbons were or even where the bank statements were!  How was I ever going to prove my being a proper parent and paying the outrageous fee?  Leave it to my hubby to fix everything.  In the land of lollipops, unicorns and rainbows there is not such thing as a crisis.  To my pessimistic surprise, everything was rectified by noon and we were on our way to have lunch with our senior.  Yeah, today our daughter officially became a senior.  She was delighted and petrified at the same time.  Thrilled to be a senior, she has repeatedly expressed her desire not to grow up.  I love my little Peter Pan and assured her that she has some time before she has to grow up.  Because honestly, she's not the only one who isn't ready for it.  I just hope before the time comes for her to enter the real world,  that I have joined my husband and his ability to expect the best.  Look out unicorns, here I come.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

What Now?

So I don't quite know what's going on with me.  Since I have come to a final decision about what was eating up 95% of my thought process, I don't really know what to do with myself.  It feels good to be free of the constant internal stuggle but at the same time, I am not quite sure where my place and what my purpose is now.  My mind is free.  I have time on my hands.  I should be glad.  Instead, I am overwhelmed with possibilities and don't quite know where to start.  So many options I don't know where to focus now.  But I will find my way.  I will once again find a healthy balance.  Being a mom to my daughter and helping her transition into adulthood.  Being a wife to my hubby and finding comfort in his companionship.  Being me.  I think that's where the problem lies.  I have been so busy thinking and waiting and wondering that now I am able to get back to me.  The thing is - who am I?  That is the position I was in a year and a half ago when this whole thing started.  I don't quite know yet but I am slowly finding my way.  I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of my friends and family for their support through this recent confusing time for me.  I will be back to my old self soon.  I have had one interesting devleopment recently.  I have been asked to be a book reviewer for a review blog.  You should check it out.  You can find it at  Look for the reviews posted by quirkyme.  I have done two reviews for them thus far and I love it.  It is so refreshing to do something you enjoy.  I figure this expression of my opinions in the literary world may once again free up my voice in life in general.  Hopefully I will back to myself in no time.

Monday, June 6, 2011


I feel energized.  This is the first morning in a long, long time I have felt excited about facing the day.  I almost feel nesty - like cleaning and organizing.  What is up with that?  There is no more conflict.  This is the first day in what feels like forever that I don't have an internal struggle brewing and looming.  I know what I have to do.  I know that this is kind of cryptic but I want to make sure it is done before I give away all the details.  I can't help but love the freedom that I feel.  I am me again.  Its like the fog of depression has been lifted.  I even had an affirmation last night that the decision I've come to is the right one.  There are some things that just aren't cool and I can't be fighting against them for the rest of my life.  I've learned a lot.  I know more now than I did when I started.  More about my wants and my needs - more about myself in general.  I am not superwoman.  There are things I can't handle.  There are things I can't change.  While that saddens me, I accept it.  I wanted to make a difference.  Instead, I am just different.  There is no way to quite describe the weight that has been lifted off of me.  I feel as though I'm alive again.  But I am seeing things through entirely new eyes.  Grateful for having figured things out. 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Me, Myself, and I

I have come to a major revelation recently.  I need to be selfish.  I am always so worried about others and the effect the things I do and say will have on others that I have honestly lost sight of myself.  I am considering everyone else's feeling and denying my own.  I know that I have touched on this in previous posts but it is something that I myself need to be reminded of again and again.  I need to take a step back and look at situations from an outsider point of view.  What is best for me?  How can I make things better for myself?  Are there ways for me to make things easier on myself?  What advice would I give myself if I wasn't the one in this situation?  I need to think of my sanity.  I need to think of myself first.  Then begin looking outside of me in waves of importance.  Family comes next.  Then everyone else.  The only way I can be a healthy, happy human being is to make sure that I am a healthy, happy human being.  No one else is going to do that for me.  If I don't put myself first, how are I supposed to be able to give the best of myself to others.  It may mean making some unpopular choices.  It may mean pissing some people off.  It may mean feeling like a failure for the time being but in the long run, its the only choice I can make.  The choice that is best for me.  Maybe its time to pick myself up and dust myself off and start over again.  Who knows who I will be if I be more true to me?