Monday, October 22, 2012

If I Wrote Fortune Cookies

I'm trying - really, I'm trying.  I just can't seem to make this work.  I have tons of opinions about everything that is happening around me, I just feel like I can't voice those opinions.  I tried to come up with some small annoyance to rant on or some great accomplishment to share but I got nothin'.  With all the major stuff that is happening, I just can't be bothered by the little things.  So stay with me peeps.  I am trying to come up with a way to share my opinions.  I guess the best way to sum up all that is happening is with one of my favorite things - a top ten.

My Top Ten Words of Wisdom

10) Money can buy happiness - or at least everything else you need.
9)   It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty if you spill it.
8)   There always comes a point where you need to move on.
7)   Secrets are meant to be kept.
6)   Fake it till you make it can be exhausting if you never make it.
5)   You can't always kill them with kindness. 
4)   Whether you like it or not, things change.
3)   Take it one day at a time - sometimes one hour at a time.
2)   Listen to yourself.  You know more than you think.
1)   Drama will happen, you don't need to create it.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

We Interrupt Your Day for this Not So Important Message

According to my husband, I have been neglecting my blog.  I have to admit that this is true.  I want to say there is good reason for this but there really is not.  Since my daughter left for college, I have been through a sort of depression.  It wasn't my normal depression.  I didn't sleep all day and spend my waking hours crying and staring at the television.  No.  This time it totally caught me off guard because it manifested itself differently.  I became obsessed with my online shop and could think of nor do much of anything else.  I made lots of jewelry and marketed a lot.  I even sold my first piece that didn't go to a friend or family member.  But the catch here is I closed out the entire world and secluded myself away.  I didn't care about much else.  I did the minimum to get by.  I missed my baby girl.  And now I am aware of that and trying my best to change that.  I am trying my best to figure out just how life is supposed to be now.  Things are changing.  Things HAVE changed.  And they just keep changing.  Things have happened that I'm not sure I want to talk about here in public.  I mean, don't get my wrong.  I love all my blog readers but there are things that have been happened that are not mine to divulge yet they affect me in a major way.  Because of that, I am not sure what to do.  Do I break confidence or risk betrayal just to include everything honestly in my writing or do I stick to what is happening to me directly and keep what is happening to those around me and who are important in my life the secret I am sure it should be?  I am trying to get back to normal.  I have been reading again as well as posting in my book review blog.  I have written a few letters.  I should call some people that I promised to call and do lunch with but I'm just not up to it yet.  I was going to volunteer but that didn't work out.  I tried to tell one place that I was interested in volunteering.  They gave me a pamphlet and told me to call a phone number.  What do you mean here's a pamphlet, call the number?  I'm standing right here in your facility.  So I kind of gave up on that.  I am feeling a little worthless right now.  Mostly because I am not bringing in any money.  For some reason that makes me feel worthless.  That and the rental house that we own but can't live in because of me is sitting empty and sucking our bank account dry.  Another thing that I feel is my fault.  My hubby says its nobody's fault but then why do I feel like crap about everything.  I am hoping to be able to figure out how to continue my blog while being depressed and maintaining confidentiality.  So please forgive me for neglecting you and I hope that you will hear from me again soon.

Friday, August 31, 2012

When I Grow Up, I Want to be an Insurance Agency

Man what a week!  I thought "Oh this week is gonna go so slow with the kid gone off to college" but it was anything but slow.  I wanted a distraction and boy did I get one.  The main focus of the week was Monday when I was innocently sitting at a red light and WHAM! got hit hard from behind.  I got out of my only-a-year-old SUV yelling "What the hell?" to find a very apologetic and scared high school boy.  He was so young he still had braces!  I took one look at him and thought of my daughter.  How would I want someone to treat my daughter if this happened to her.  So I calmed down and told him to follow me to a nearby parking lot where we could exchange information.  He was standing in the rain trying to write his name and address.  It was sad.  So I invited him to come sit in my car.  He just kept repeating "Oh my God!"  It was actually kind of humorous.  (The panic not the damage to my vehicle)  He tells me how his tires are so bald and didn't work and he can't believe how nice I was being about the whole thing.  I assured him that things happen and what's done is done, no use being mad over something you can't go back in time and change.  He had to call his mom to get the policy number.  He was just so young.  Once we had exchanged information.  He went on his way and so did I.  I went on my way to the Kroger.  This seemed to upset my hubby a little bit.  Apparently when you have an accident you are not supposed to carry on with your life.  You are to immediately report home, call insurance and stay put.  Until what?  I don't know.  But as with every other accident I have had I continued on to where I was going.  I needed tape.  Having an accident didn't change that fact.  (Oh, and it was lunch time so I grabbed some lunch at a local fast food window)  Once home I immediately called my insurance.  I tried to do that from my cell phone but it was a touch tone menu and apparently my cell phone doesn't have touch tone.  It can play Ke$ha when my daughter calls me but it can't beep so that I choose number 1.  Go figure.  Anyway, the insurance tells me that I have two options.  I can 1) call the other driver's insurance and do everything myself, or 2) pay a $500 deductible to have them handle it for me.  What?!?!?  They said they will try to get that money back from the other driver's insurance and reimburse me for the $500 but I thought a deductible was what you paid when it was your fault that there was an accident.  I have had three previous accidents.  Two weren't reported due to circumstances beyond my control and one was a "no fault" in a parking lot fender bender.  I had to pay my deductible then but my insurance was paying for the repairs.  I guess I just don't understand why I have to front the deductible when the other driver fully admits fault.  What if I didn't have that money to spare?  I'd be screwed.  I'd be stuck handling everything myself.  In which case, what the hell do I have insurance for?  I pay them a hefty sum every six months to do potentially nothing?  I don't get it.  I'm thinking maybe I need to go into the insurance business.  Collect a couple hundred twice a year and tell people they have to pay me more when they are hit or I won't do anything.  Sounds like a nice free ride to me.  The adjuster even had a fancy name for it.  Subjegation or something like that.  Just in case you were wondering that is actually pronounced "bull-shit".  Maybe I don't have enough accidents to know that this is the way insurance works all the time but seems rather fishy to me whether its just my company or the industry as a whole.  I won't name names or point fingers here but if this sounds a bit off to you and you want to know the name of my company, feel free to comment and I will share the name of this entity which is performing questionable procedures with you.  I'm nice like that.  Just ask the boy who hit me.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

And Then, There Were Two

I did it.  I drove my daughter to University and left her there.  omg!  I can't believe that I actually did this.  I am a bit numb at this point.  I have to admit that I cried but I was lucky enough to be able to hold that in until we got to the car.  I wanted to turn around and go back the entire way home.  But I didn't.  I did it.  She texted numerous times while we were returning to Suburbia saying how she missed us and I just couldn't express with words just how much I missed her too.  I had to be strong.  I didn't want to be.  I wanted to say "Do you want mommy to come back and get you?"  But I didn't.  I assured her that she will do well, she will succeed and she will be okay.  It feels like someone has ripped my heart out and tossed it aside.  I am spent.  I didn't sleep at all last night and with good reason.  I didn't want to sleep.  I just wanted to sit and watch my baby sleep.  Creepy, yes.  Sappy, yes.  Did I do it, no.  But I wanted to.  We spent the day with her - setting up her room, picking up her books, getting her post box set up, but when it came time to leave - we left.  There were parents who didn't.  There were parents who lingered and stayed simply because the college can't kick them out.  But we did what was right.  We left.  It was what we were supposed to do as parents.  We weren't supposed to hang out and make it harder on her.  We weren't supposed to stay and get in the way.  We weren't supposed to make other students sad that their parents had left and jealous that we had stayed as some did.  We left.  And now we are here.  Here at home.  And it just isn't the same.  It will never be the same again.  She will always be my baby girl but now she is an adult.  I am the parent of an adult child.  Wow.  So that leads me to - me.  Now what?  It will be hard tomorrow when Hubby returns to work and I am here all alone.  No kid to drive to work or pick up from work.  No child centered errands to run.  No evening of hearing about the perils of the daycare toddler-keeper.  It will be hard when I come across things - a book left here, a water bottle left there - all reminding me that she's no longer here.  I will probably cry more.  But then I will smile because I know that she is doing what needs to be done.  She is going for her goal.  She is making me proud.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I'm QuirkyMe and I Approve This Message

I can't believe what transpired this afternoon.  I was just sitting around on facebook looking at my newsfeed when another bit of political "humor" appeared.  The person (at the time, a friend) who posted the picture had been posting things similar to this for days if not weeks.  It was bashing the candidate that they are against.  Not my cup of tea but if that's the way you want to express yourself, who am I to judge.  The problem arose when a friend of mine made a comment stating her opposing opinion.  Said person immediately began an argument with her.  She continued bashing the opposition calling the candidate an "idiot".  I agreed with the commenter so I "liked" her comment.  They went back and forth again.  I "liked" the commenter's comment again.  She had valid points.  The conversation quickly took a nasty turn but only on one side.  The person who posted the picture was belittling and accusing and many other not-so-nice things.  I was appalled.  This person who I thought was a friend, was verbally attacking another friend - a friend I agreed with.  I have never seen cyber-bullying before but I definitely witnessed it today.  The attacker's friend joined in and together they tag teamed my friend until she was at a loss for words.  She stood her ground as best she could but the harassment was just too much.  She tried numerous times to politely end the conversation but those two mocked her until she felt compelled to speak up for herself again.  Eventually it ended and my friend (the commenter) realized that the attacker had blocked her and deleted her as a friend.  Then I realized that she had done the same to me.  Guilty by association I guess.  I don't know.  All I know is these were grown women.  When I think of cyber-bullying, I tend to think teens but now I know better.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion and agreeing to disagree (as my friend had suggested) is a means not of backing down and admitting you are wrong but respecting another's opinion.  These people had their opinion and everyone else was wrong.  What happened to freedom of speech and freedom of choice.  There are other opinions than yours out there and it is rude to think otherwise.  I am still in shock as to what happened.  To unfriend someone over their political opinions.  Hello, I was reading your political crap for weeks before this whole incident.  And what happened to supporting the candidate that you want to win instead of just bashing the one you don't like.  I just don't understand hate.  I will not hate this woman because of what she did.  It confuses me and baffles me but I will not hate her.  Judgement is something I leave to my God.  It is God's place to be the one to judge not me.  All I know is I won't hate her but I won't tolerate her bullying either.  Bullying has no place in this world.  Find another way to feed your desire for power.  If its this bad with grown adults, I can't even begin to know what teens and children deal with.  And for them there is often no way to unfriend someone.  They often have to deal with their bullies every day, day after day.  So if you are being bullied know that it is not right.  Speak up and speak out.  Tell someone.  Even adults bully and get bullied.  You are not alone.

On My Own, Pretending You're Beside Me

So, its two weeks until The Kid moves into her new dorm and her new life at University.  I know that this is about her, but I also need to be concious that it is about me too.  Yes, it is a big change in her life but it is a big change in mine also.  We have been best buds, partners in crime, twinsies for the last 18 years.  All of that is gonna change in two weeks.  I know that I have to let her go.  I will let her go.  It will pain me and sadden me but I will let her go.  The moving her in and the leaving her there will be hard but I can numb myself through that process.  What will be hard is the coming home.  There will be no more kid in the house.  It'll just be me and Hubby.  That is a strange concept.  See, Hubby and I started dating and were married within a year.  About a month before our first anniversary, The Kid came along.  We barely had time to ever be a couple.  What if we don't function well that way?  What if The Kid is the glue that holds us together?  What if everything begins to unravel?  What am I going to do with myself now that I'm no longer at 24/7 active presence mom?  The last time I went through a major life change if you don't count quitting two jobs was when we bought the house.  We all remember what happened when we bought the house.  I had a nervous breakdown.  I ended up in the psych. ward at the hospital.  I don't want that to happen again.  I especially don't want it to happen this time as The Kid will think it is her fault when its not.  Its just me.  I can't deal with major change that easily.  It has already started happening.  I've noticed I am crankier.  I've noticed that I'm not sleeping as well.  I've noticed that I am taking more and more of my tranquilizing meds.  This is not good.  My therapist seems to think that I am doing well and that I am handling things in my life very well.  I put on a good show don't I?  She doesn't know the true me.  I find myself telling her what I think she wants to hear when I am there.  We never really talk about problems.  We talk about what is going on in my life and I emphasize the good and don't bring up the bad.  I don't tell her that I've taken to gagging a lot due to the stress.  Almost throwing up seems to be my body's way of dealing with this impending doom.  See just the fact that I referred to it as impending doom just goes to show how I am viewing this whole thing.  So if there are any empty-nesters out there who have gone through this and are willing to share some advice, I am open to listening.  And for the record, my therapist has already told me the I may want to get another job or start volunteering once The Kid leaves but I just don't feel like that is going to fill the void her leaving will cause.  It would be like taking an empty can of coke and filling it with water.  You've filled it.  Its full.  Its just not right though.  The water just doesn't fit in the place of the coke.  I know it has to happen.  I know I will live through it.  I just don't know how.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Insert Jeopardy Theme Music Here

I am sitting and waiting.  God I hate waiting.  I am waiting for some woman to call me back.  Waiting for a phone call.  Quite possibly the worst kind of waiting.  I also hate health insurance red tape and snooty doctor's office employees. I would say that I hate health insurance but they keep things from costing like a million dollars so I don't hate them, I just hate their red tape.  Let me start at the beginning.  My daughter went to see a specialist who wanted to refer her to another specialist.  So after much schedule juggling (they told me initially that they couldn't get her in before she left for school), we went to see this other specialist on Wednesday.  We sat in the office for about 45 minutes just to have a woman come out and tell us that she couldn't be seen because they didn't have a referral.  Even though when I scheduled the appointment, I asked the person if they had the referral and she said yes.  Then the woman changed her story and said well we didn't have the right kind of referral and that it had to be from her PCP anyway.  So we drove to the PCP's office and stood there while they made the referral.  I also asked them to call and make me another appointment to avoid being told again that they couldn't get her in before she left for school.  They made the appointment for the next day because like the other specialist, the PCP thought she should see the new specialist right away.  So, Thursday we go to the new specialist again.  When I get there to check in and give my daughter's name, the same woman from the day before jumps up and literally runs over with our file to state that we still don't have the right kind of referral.  I said that we got one from the PCP and she said it still wasn't right.  I stated that we stood there while they did it and I didn't know what more to do.  Then this nice lady offered to call the PCP's office and explain to them what was needed.  She came back and assured me that Lori at the PCP's office would be calling me but that we couldn't see the new specialist until after Lori had called because then it would be covered by our insurance.  I asked if I would have trouble rescheduling before my daughter left for school and she said that her name was Kathy and I was to ask for her when I called if there was any trouble.  So I waited all day yesterday for this Lori to call.  I waited all through this morning for Lori to call.  Lori never called.  So at 11 am I took it upon myself to call insurance.  They said that the referral was good as of Thursday afternoon and that we were good to go see the new specialist.  So I called the new specialist's office and was told she can't have an appointment until the end of September.  I told the woman on the phone that I was told to ask for Kathy if there was a problem with the scheduling.  She said maybe I meant Chris and I said no, I mean Kathy and she said well Kathy is out to lunch right now but can I take your name and number and have her call you back?  I gave her my name and number.  Its 1 pm.  Apparently they take really long lunches at that office because she still hasn't called me back.  Oh and did I mention that the PCP is on vacation next week so its not like his office will be able to help me get an appointment.  This whole thing is just one big mess.  My hubby already called his HR department to find out if we could switch to a PPO (where you choose your doctors and specialists, it just costs more) instead of our HMO especially since our daughter will be going away to college and won't have access to her PCP to get referrals and such.  They said that moving to college was not a life change so we would have to wait until the next calendar year to switch to the PPO.  They said that if she were a spouse who was going from part-time emplyment to full-time employment or vice-versa that those circumstances are considered a life change but not moving to another state away from your family (and PCP).  That's not a life change at all.  Whatever.  So I wait.  I hate waiting.  She's not going to call is she?  She is never going to call and I am going to have to call them back again and go through the whole process over again.  Have a nice vacation PCP.  I'll just be here waiting.  Have a great three hour lunch Kathy.  I'll just be here waiting.  Have control over my life health insurance company.  I'll just be here waiting.  No.  I'm not waiting anymore.  I'm calling again because if you want something done, you have to be forceful and push or people just walk all over you or forget about you.  That's it.  I'm calling again.  No more waiting for me. . . . Ok, I'm back.  I got an appointment and she said that I needed to call my insurance to have them fax the referral approval to the new specialist's office.  I called insurance.  They don't do that.  They said they do things electronically and that I would have to call the PCP's office to get that done.  I called the PCP's office and they said they are doing it.  I will call back to the new specialist's office to confirm that they have it on Monday.  Good Lord!  Finally, all my ducks are in a row.  Thank you ducks.  Thank you for finally lining up even though getting you there was more difficult than herding cats.  Don't ask where I got that comparison from.  It's been a long week.  At least I'm done waiting :)

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Score Another Point for Insanity

Its Olympic time - that time once every two or four years (depending on if you watch both the summer and the winter games) when everyone bonds as Americans over living vicariously through people who are much more dedicated, talented and fit then most of us will ever be.  When I watch the Olympics, I experience something that I'm pretty sure most of you, if not all of you, do not experience.  I wait for someone to possibly mention my name.  I don't know why.  I don't know any of the athletes remotely let alone personally.  They have no reason to mention my name.  But when they are thanking people that have had an impact on their lives, I wonder if somehow, without realizing it, it may have been me.  Silly I know but I do the same thing with the Oscars and the Tonys.  Its a little different there though.  See when they say "and the winner is . . . " I have a flash that "hey, it could be me".  I'm not nominated or even an actress but yet there is a part of me that thinks - eh, stranger things.  Then, when I don't win, I wonder if the person who did win will thank me.  Not even thank me as much as mention me.  Ludicris, I know, but that's the way my brain works.  Its not self-centered as you might think.  It is actually, I believe, my OCD.  See when you have OCD you are often convinced that something has happened or could have happened even though you know it hasn't and didn't.  Like take driving for instance.  Sometimes I think I may have run over something.  Then instantly my brain thinks it may have been an animal and now it is hurt and needs my help.  So I loop the block to check.  No animal in the road.  Then I am convinced that it may have crawled off injured and be alongside of the road.  So I loop the block again.  This can continue on for an unlimited number of times.  I draw the line at getting out of my car to search for the animal but it takes a lot of effort to draw that line.   I am very proud of that line.  It lets me know that there is a chance that I have control and may some day with lots of therapy and meds be a semi-normal person.  But the point here is, I didn't hit anything but I think that it may have happened and I may have missed it.  Just like I think I may have had some encounter with an athlete or actor in the grocery store or somewhere just as mundane and that that moment has somehow stuck with this person enough that they can't forget to mention me with all of their coaches, families and God.  I actually do know some people who are actors and maybe someday one of them will win an award and I will have an actual shot at being mentioned but the odds are against it.  Unless they happed to be reading this in which case you now know what it would mean to me and you should add me to your list of people to thank or I will be pissed.  Anyway, the Olympics are fun to watch even if nobody mentions me.  Go USA!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Sam's Club, Celtic Tradition and Malfunctioning Pants

Yesterday I went to the celtic festival in Downtown and it was pretty fun.  At first I didn't want to go, my mind being all "there will be a million people there all out to get you by judging you to death."  But I stifled that internal voice and went anyway - after taking some wonderful calming drugs.  With the drugs I was all "I like their knots so why not."  Then I laughed for about five minutes because of my punny use of the word knot/not and because of those wonderful drugs.  So anyway, we went and walked around and I purchased a nice pair of earrings that I won't be able to wear for like 6 months because I just got my ears repierced and I'm a rule follower.  We were about to leave when I spotted the chocolate dipped cheesecake on a stick booth.  I'm pretty sure a light shone down from heaven onto it while choirs of angels began to sing.  I indulged and now I know that the celtic people are out to make me fat.  I didn't enter the calories for it on my lose weight app.  In fact, I haven't entered anything since our mini-vacation to Hometown.  I also haven't ventured onto a scale since before that event.  There was way too much eating without thinking while we were on our mini-vaca so I abandoned my fat tracking for wanton eating.  Which is similar to wonton eating because both are delicious and not so good for your waistline.  But I think my waistline may be shrinking because my pants are loose and falling down.  I'm serious.  I feel like a teenage boy who thinks they are cool but not really because I believe in belts as opposed to showing the world my undies.  But I don't really believe that I am losing that much weight that my pants are loose and falling down.  I am convinced that this is a malfunction of said pants.  How pants go from fitting to magically malfunctioning is beyond me but mine are totally malfunctioning.  All of my pants.  How can I be expected to function like a normal person with malfunctioning pants.  I would go shopping for new pants but that would just be because I love shopping and find that it gives meaning to my life rather than actually buying new fitting pants that will no longer fit once I eat another chocolate dipped cheesecake on a stick and one fourth of a half gallon of ice cream.  It was called Skinny Minty and is supposed to be low calorie ice cream but I doubt that means you are supposed to eat it in bulk straight out of the carton.  I have also been consuming large amounts of Combos as of late.  That is not my fault either.  It is the fault of Sam's Club.  Actually, it is the fault of my dad for taking me to Sam's Club but that totally cannot be true because my daddy can do no wrong.  He's my daddy.  I am such a daddy's girl.  Sometimes I think my mom gets upset that I call myself a daddy's girl but that's just the way it is.  Maybe my daddy can take me to Sam's Club for some new pants.  Ooooo and then we could get that yummy ice cream on the way out!  Sounds like a plan :) 
P.S.  I am surprised they let me into the Sam's Club but I will save that for my next post.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

"Meat" Me at the Steakhouse

I was once a vegetarian.  I was for many, many years.  I was the girl at the family reunion that was stuck eating sauerkraut on a bun because the hot dogs and the fried chicken grossed her out.  Even though now I am not a vegetarian, I think I am still quite sensitive to the subject.  See, I want to know what great interior designer thought "Hmmmm . . . steakhouse . . . let's put the animals they are serving up on the wall."  I know that some people . . . mostly hunters would be my guess . . . think that taxidermy is an acceptable form of art.  I'm not going to be the one to argue that.  Whatever you want to put in your home is your prerogative.  I'm the daughter of an avid hunter so  Iaccept that some people enjoy hunting.  I personally don't understand it.  I know there are arguements about keeping populations under control and I understand that but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  That said, I just don't get the appeal of having cows and such stare at you as you eat their distant cousins.  Kind of gross if you ask me.  And why is the poor cow the only one that seems to be acceptable.  There are never taxidermy specimins of pigs or chickens at these restaurants.  It's not like we hunt cows.  They meet (lol! I accidentally spelled that as "meat" at first) their end the same way the chickens and pigs do.  There is a place where we go to eat that has pictures of pigs and chickens on the shirts of the waiters and waitresses.  I still find that disgusting.  Its a tad more tolerable but not much.  When I eat meat, I prefer not to think about where it comes from.  I wish I could go vegetarian again but with all my food allergies and such, it would be so hard.  I don't need to become anemic again.  I don't want to feel like I'm offending the hostess when I don't eat at a party.  Its just too hard.  So in the meantime, I will avoid chicken and fish because they blatently state the name of the animal and that can be too tough for me.  I will ask to be seated away from the offended glare of the taxidermy cow at the steakhouse.  I will do my best to be animal friendly.  Except for beef.  And turkey on Thanksgiving.  Oooo and bacon.  Everything is better with bacon.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Six Pounds of Happiness

I'm here again to keep everyone updated on . . . well . . . everything.  The girl that went missing from Far Away has been found.  I don't know much beyond that she is back home and says she is fine.  The man she was with, whether voluntarily or not, has been arrested.  He wasn't dumb.  He didn't take her across state lines so that it wouldn't be a federal issue.  But she's home and that's what is important.  Now hopefully child services in Far Away will get on the ball and put her someplace where she will be monitored and supervised better than she has been before.  As for the home business, I am learning tons.  See apparently the site I am using to sell my wares is kind of like a cult for some people.  These are the people who have thousands of views of their items.  They join teams and promote each others work whether they like it or not.  I'm not really down with that.  I've join a few teams to promote my stuff and to help others promote their items that I like but I'm not going to blindly promote someone just because they are in my group.  They also have these, for lack of a better term, buying trains.  They make groups within the teams and all buy off of each other.  Good because you sell stuff but bad because it is going someplace where it may not be appreciated.  I would rather know that my stuff is going to a good home than to sell just for the sake of selling.  There are codes and names for stuff and cliques and all kinds of stuff.  Its a little scary to be honest.  Some people really get into it.  I have benefited from learning about these games, clubs and abbreviations but I have to draw the line somehwere or I will go crazy and be on the computer all the time.  Not something that I really desire.  Something I do desire however at the moment is dinner.  Yeah, its only 3:30 but I am soooooo hungry.  Hubby and I have been doing this calorie counting app and it seems to be working.  After three weeks of doing it, I got on the scale and was 6 pounds lighter.  Yay me!  The problem now is that I am convinced it was a fluke and I am afraid to get on the scale again and see that I am right back where I started.  Don't think I could handle that.  Oh, and the lady who took over for me at my old job called me twice yesterday to ask me basic beginner office type questions that she should have been able to figure out on her own.  Oh well, maybe they'll realize what they had now that its gone.  I will no longer be answering the phone when private caller numbers call.  It could be her asking me what to do when her pen runs out of ink.  Lol!  Really.  They were that level of question.  I swear.  So, to recap - one girl home, one girl skinnier, and one girl lost in officeland.  Got to go.  Hubby is home and that means I can eat dinner.  Yes, I know that dinner at 4 p.m. means I should be over the age of 70 but I don't care.  See ya later!

Friday, July 6, 2012

Teleportation - Oh, How I Long for Thee

Yay!  We are getting visitors!  My cousin and his wife are coming out near Suburbia for a concert and he contacted me to ask if we wanted to have breakfast on Monday.  Of course we want to have breakfast on Monday.  We love having people come out here to visit us especially from Hometown.  See, in case you haven't been along for the whole big blog ride, Suburbia and Hometown are about five to five and a half hours apart.  Apparently this is a vast travel nightmare to most people.  My parents come out about once a year and Hubby's parents come out a few times a year but that's about it (with the exception on major life events like a graduation or something).  Meanwhile we are expected to visit Hometown four or five times a year.  I understand that we do not have a spare room for people to stay in if they come but when we come to Hometown we don't have anywhere to stay either.  Due to allergies, we have to stay in a hotel which adds up quickly.  All I know is that the road isn't any shorter coming from Suburbia to Hometown than it is from Hometown to Suburbia.  But Monday morning we will visit with family on our own turf and it feels awesome!  I'm proud of where I live.  I want my family and friends to see it.  The area has a lot to offer with museums, amusement parks, concerts and other performances, etc.  It'll be interesting to see what will happen this Thanksgiving.  See my daughter will be two to three hours away at University and we will have to drive out there and back Tuesday or Wednesday before Thanksgiving on Thursday.  She has to be back the following Monday.  The dilemma lies in that University and Hometown are in opposite directions from Suburbia.  The Kid has a late class on Tuesday evening so we most likely won't be able to pick her up until Wednesday which would leave us driving somewhere around ten hours on Wednesday to get to University and then Hometown.  There also would be no time for The Kid to spend even a moment at home in Suburbia.  Call me selfish but that is just too much to ask of me.  We are going to have to stay home this Thanksgiving which is not going to go over well with anyone back in Hometown.  Maybe I should have Thanksgiving out here in Suburbia.  I could invite my parents and my brother and his family but I doubt they would come.  Where would I put everyone anyway.  So it looks like it will be a Thanksgiving for three here at Casa de Us.  We have done it before.  Once when I had my gallbladder removed and once when we had the copper pipes stolen from the house we own/rent out.  We'll live.  I just need some ideas of new traditions we can start to do with just us.  I'll make it work.  I always do.  If not, I wouldn't be a mom.

Monday, July 2, 2012

What a Weekend!

Things I have learned this weekend:

10) My daughter is addicted to reruns of Grey's Anatomy.

9)  I don't wish that I was young again.  I just wish I posessed the same potential I did when I was younger.

8)  Getting healthy isn't a punishment - its a wonderful, hopefully achievable, goal.

7) I like walking downtown in major cities - even though they can sometimes smell like poo.

6) I am severely addicted to Powerade Zero. 

5) It is possible to sleep without the air cleaner, fan, air conditioner, night light and television on. Not well, but possible.

4) Don't read Dean Koontz when the power goes out.

3) Cirque du Soliel is even more amazing in person. Everyone should see it at some point in their lives and now I can cross it off my bucket list.

2) Skateboarding dogs are even funnier in person. I can also cross this off my bucket list.

1) I am obsessed with death.  Big time!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Why is Not Just a Question for Preschoolers

I'm not sure that I really have anything to say today.  I just figured it has been some time since I posted so I should at least give you all an update.  The update is - nothing.  She is still missing.  I read an article yesterday from a local newspaper in Far Away about the whole situation.  It said that she was having a sexual relationship with the 30 year old man she left with.  They believe she left of her own free will.  Doesn't surprise me one bit actually.  I've given up on thinking that if we had adopted her then none of this would have happened.  It may have happened here just as well.  It doesn't matter because we didn't adopt her and I need to move on from that.  I need to not worry about her any more than I would any other friend or family aquiantance.  Hard to do?  Yeah.  But not impossible.  I just have to focus on other things.  I hope she is found and I hope that the guy she went with is put in prison but until then I've done all that I can do.  End of story.  I need to just put the whole adoption thing behind me.  Today I saw a friend that I haven't seen in a long time.  She let me know that she is not doing well.  She told me that she has early onset dementia.  I was stunned.  I didn't know what to say.  It got me thinking about a friend's mother who had dementia and even Hubby's grandmother which as usual gets me started thinking about mortality in general which gets me thinking about Hubby and I and our mortality.  I don't know if or when I am going to die.  I like to think that I never will but I guess . . . scratch that, I know we all do at some point.  That takes care of the who and the what which just leaves the question of where, when and how.  The problem isn't my death.  It's Hubby's.  I cannot picture my life without Hubby.  I've tried to think about it, tried to prepare myself for the dreaded "what if" but its like without him I will cease to exist.  I worry about that feeling.  With my depression and history of mental illness, I wonder what would happen to me if something happened to him.  So I try not to think about it.  Instead I fill my days doing things to distract my obsessive brain with other things.  Like blogging.  When I remember to do it.  And when I feel that someone out there somewhere may be interested in what I have to say or which is not often.  I guess that's why I don't blog as much as I did before.  My confidence is lacking.  I don't know why but it is.  I need an ego boost.  A shot of confidence in myself.  That takes care of the who and the what now I just need to figure out the where, when and how.  Wait.  I left out the why.  Why do we die?  Why don't I have confidence?  Why am I even writing this right now?  Wow, guess I had more to say than I thought I did.  Wonder why?

Friday, June 15, 2012


Well, <sigh> its been a hell of a day.  I found out this morning that the girl we were going to adopt from Far Away is missing.  That's right.  Missing.  Her grandmother told me this morning via facebook message that she is missing and they think she is with her friend's father.  He seems to have vanished too and can't be reached by text or phone.  From what I could gather from reading several posts, she has been missing since June 9th.  That's almost a week.  They say that the police are involved but a friend of mine did an Amber Alert search and came up empty.  My guess is that they are considering her a runaway because of her age and the fact that this guy is missing too.  Who knows?  I am doing all I can to try to get in touch with her.  Texting, messaging, posting.  I have put her picture out there on facebook for people to share saying that she is missing.  I've had a few friends repost the picture.  I just can't believe this has happened.  I don't know what to do or how to help.  At this point, I am just asking that if you are on facebook that you go to my profile and repost her picture and the picture of the guy.  (I got his picture from his profile.  Thank God for people who don't lock down their security settings.)  If you are not a personal friend of mine then all I can do is ask that you pray to whatever God you believe in that she is found safe and sound. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Cut the Cord Already

This past Monday was no ordinary Monday.  It was the day that my hubby and I took our daughter to University to get registered for the fall.  They had a day full of activities for the students and parents as well.  I can't really speak for the student happenings of the day but the parent sessions were really interesting.  I learned a lot of little tips for helping my child transition to university life, I was reaffirmed that the things I planned to do were indeed the right things to be doing and I realized that there are some wacko parents out there.  We had a short session that started at 8:30 a.m. and then much to the dismay of some parents, students and parents were split up.  Some of the things that were pointed out to us during those parent sessions were ridiculous - things we have been doing with our child for years.  They were recommending to parents things like "Don't call your child every morning to wake them up or to be sure they have gotten up".  I thought this was a joke.  I chuckled to myself and noticed that aside from Hubby no one else in the room seemed to be amused.  Were these parents actually considering doing this?  That's just crazy.  Your child is old enough to be responsible for rising and shining on their own.  If your child is not capable of doing this on their own, how did they get through high school.  Then it hit me - mommy and daddy.  These are the dreaded "helicopter parents" that I had heard about when my daughter was in junior high and high school.  They do everything for their children.  The thing is I didn't realize that this continued through college.  I can't imagine calling my child's professor to clear up an issue.  If you do that, at what point do you stop doing things like that.  Do they call their child's boss when their child wants a raise?  Where does it end?  My daughter heard my husband and I discussing this crazy style of parenting and shared with us a story she heard of one university student who regularly sent her homework home for her parents to do.  Are you kidding me?  You are paying big bucks for your child's education at this level.  Wouldn't you want them to actually GET that education.  Who knows - maybe it's just one of those urban myths of college.  I hope it is.  All I know is that I plan to not be a helicopter parent in any way, shape or form and should I have to deal with said "helicopter parents", I'm not sure how much patience I'll have.  Parents, at this age your children are adults, young adults, but adults nonetheless.  Allow them to function as such.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Operation Recuperation

I only have one thing to say this fine Monday morning.  Boy was yesterday tiring: physically, emotionally, psychologically and about any other -ically you can think of.  My head hurts.  My legs and feet hurt.  My pocketbook hurts.  See yesterday was the famed party portion of what I have affectionately dubbed Operation Graduation.  It was great to see friends and family again.  The kid had a great time and that was the most important part.  The worst part came when we went to pick up the "catering" at the local Mega-Super-Mart (I won't point it out by name but it starts with a W and ends with -mart.)  We had ordered two large trays of chicken and two large and two small trays of sandwich rolls to be picked up at 10:30 a.m.  This gave us ample time to load the car and get to the facility we had rented beginning at 11:00 a.m. to set up for the party starting at noon.  We arrived at the Mega-Super-Mart deli area and I stated I was there to pick up the order for "My Last Name".  The lady handling the chicken  looked up and smiled as she put the finishing touches on our chicken trays.  The lady I was speaking to looked at our order and said "Oh, you want sandwich rolls too.  Guess I should start making those."  WHAT !?!?!?!?  It was time for us to pick up our order and they hadn't started making it yet!  I waited appoximately fifteen minutes before I had to go open the facility and left Hubby and The Kid (aka The Graduate) to wait for the ridiculously tardy sandwich roll trays.  See Hubby has abundance of patience that I do not posess.  After half and hour, Hubby called me to notify me that one of the four trays was complete.  ONE!!!!!  I informed Hubby to return that tray to the deli and leave the Mega-Super-Mart and we would call to get pizzas in place of the sandwich roll trays.  Half an hour later, after the deli worker insisting that she was almost done with tray number two, the eternity wait in the check out line and the drive to the facility, Hubby and The Kid arrived at the party with fifteen minutes to spare.  They were short a sandwich roll trays and we were short four helping hands in the set-up process.  The real kicker here - the trays they did give us weren't even right.  One was the wrong type of sandwich roll!!!  Whatever.  I was just glad we had something to feed our guests and they arrived just before the pizza order was called in.  Talk about luck.  Apparently, at the Mega-Super-Mart they have confused the word "tray" with the word "try".  I ordered "trays" and their response on that day was to "try" to make them for me.  The big difference here being the letter "A" - a grade that I would not give them for their service.  Their letter grade would be a big, fat "F"!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Missing the "Mommy Days"

 OMG!  I just dropped my daughter off for her last day of high school - EVER!  I can't believe it.  Its just not quite sinking in.  I will never drive my daughter to school again.  After all those times when I complained and thought of how I would rather be sleeping in, I'll never do it again.  I feel almost numb about it.  On one hand I am happy because I will get to sleep in.  On the other hand she has grown up way too fast.  When I dubbed 2012 "The Year of Change" I wasn't really thinking of all the changes that were coming that were beyond my control.  My daughter wants to get a job for the summer and there is part of me that hopes she doesn't find one.  There is a part of me that wants to spend the summer with her just hanging out and enjoying each other's company.  But once again, that is part of my delusional little world.  If she is here all summer with no job, we will most likely get on each other's nerves and under each other's skin.  A shame really considering I consider this her last summer of being a kid.  This is it.  In the fall she'll go off to college and BOOM - adulthood hits.  I look back at the years past and they are full of wonderful memories but now that will change.  There may not be family vacations.  There may not be weekends with pajama days.  I guess everone with children goes through this at some point but I can't help but think it is harder on those of us with only one child.  If you have more than one, when the first one goes off to college you still have the others at home and by the time the last one goes off to college you are already a veteran of the process.  For those of us with one child it hits us extra hard.  Right now I am trying to figure out how and when this actually happened.  When did I get so old that I have a child going off to her last day of high school?  Nothing like adding to my mid-life crisis.  I am going to hit 40 hard next year.  In the meantime, I have to figure out my new identity since I will no longer be mommy.  I will always be a mom don't get me wrong but those "Mommy Days" of her needing me on a daily basis are quickly drawing to a close.  "Mommy Days" - how I will miss you!  So if you have kids, hold them, hug them and hang onto those "Mommy Days".  The time when they will be spreading their wings and leaving the nest will be here before you know it.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Come Sale Away with Me

Since many people seem to be cleaning out their closets and thus setting up their own personal castoff consumer magnets frequently known as garage sales, I have decided to address what I as a veteran of both having sales and attending sales consider to be essential garage sale ettiquette.  So if you are planning to have a sale, listen up and take notes people.  Here's my Garage Sale Ettiquette Top Ten.

 #10 - Price appropriately.  You are not Macy's, Kohl's or even Walmart.  Do not price your items like they are new.  They say pricing it AT MOST 20% of what you paid for it is sufficient.  I don't want to pay $30 at a garage sale for a nearly new purse even if it is Vera Bradley.  The cheaper the items, the quicker they move.  And on that note, mark everything clearly while you are at it.  Mass marking with signs (such as all clothes $1) are best.  When it comes to marking items, then pretend you are Macy's or Kohl's.  No bar codes needed though, tags are just fine.

#9 - Don't hover.  I know you want to be helpful but I am not looking for the employee attention that I get at Talbot's, White House/Black Market or even Old Navy when I come to a garage sale.  I will look.  If interested, I will ask.  I don't want to know your opinion of what I should be buying.  Your tastes are not my tastes and to be honest I may be looking just to be polite.  "Helipcoter sellers" beware.

#8 - Be prepared.  Have plenty of bags and change.  If you have bags, I will be more apt to buy more stuff.  If you have change readily available, I will not want to strangle you.  I recently went to a sale where the woman had to go into her house and hunt for five minutes to find $3 change for my $5 bill on a $2 purchase.  Had she not taken my $5 into the house with her, I probably would have left during her monetary scavenger hunt.  Especially be prepared for people to come bearing $20 bills as that is the unit amount dispensed by the ATM.

#7 - Location, location, location.  If the weather is good, and it needs to be to have a successful sale, garage sale doesn't really mean garage.  Put your items in the yard or in the driveway.  I don't want to go into your dark, dank most likely stinky garage to see your items.  Besides, the lighting and head clearance are not helpful when shopping.  And when people do drive-bys (slowing down to see if it is worth getting out of their car), they don't even bother stopping if they can't see anything.

#6 - Be honest.  Multi-family implies lots of items - not two card tables set-up by you and your closest neighbor.  If its a sale of mostly baby items, advertise it that way.  If something doesn't work right or have all the pieces, tell me.  I may still buy it.  Some people are looking for broken things to tinker with.  They may be looking for parts for another item that does work.  Just because you're honest doesn't mean you are not going to make the sale.

#5 - Sign timing.  Once you are ready for customers, put up your signs.  Do not put up signs while you are still setting up.  And you cannot, CANNOT get mad at early birds if you do this.  And don't forget to take your signs down when you are done.  There is nothing worse than chasing down a garage sale that is not actually occuring.  Do not send people on a wild goose chase because you are too lazy or forgetful to complete the art of having a garage sale.

#4 - Size matters.  Do not put out five items and call it a garage sale.  A garage sale implies that you either a) have enough stuff to fill a garage or b) you have cleaned out your whole garage and are selling most of its contents.  If you don't have enough items to have a sale, wait a year or just wait till the end of the summer.  If you don't have anywhere to store the items you want to sell, then simply donate them and take the tax credit or use Ebay.  When I do a drive-by if you don't have a lot of stuff, then that's what I simply do - drive by.

#3 - Don't smoke.  You are trying to sell me things that you no longer want.  They are used and the last thing I want to know is that they are filled with smoke too.  It doesn't matter how nice something made of fabric is, if the seller is smoking, I don't buy.  Most of the time if the seller is smoking I don't even stay to look.  There is a reason you can't smoke in restaurants and stores.  Treat your garage sale like your personal store.  And just because it is outside doesn't mean nobody else can smell your smoke.  Just don't do it.

#2 - Keep your pets away.  Unless you are selling Fido or Fuzzy, keep them away from the sale.  If you want them to be outside with you, keep them on a leash.  People may be frightened of dogs or simply allergic to them.  I cannot tell you the number of times I have had my toes licked by a roaming dog at a garage sale.  When my toes are wet, I am less likely to make a purchase.

#1 - Be there.  I cannot tell you how many times I have gone to a garage sale, found something I like, and then realized I was alone.  There was nobody there to sell me the item.  If you are going to commit to a garage sale, commit.  The worst garage sale I think I may have ever gone to and surely the most bizarre was void of any seller until a voice came through the door connecting the garage to the house.  It was competing with the TV that was on and it said to ask any questions I may have by yelling into the house.  Yup, she was watching TV and couldn't be bothered to even come to the garage when she knew someone was in there.  Don't be a "ghost seller".

Happy shopping and happy selling everyone!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Warning: Wild Animals on the Loose

Most people encounter wild raccoons or similar undomesticated animals in their neighborhoods.  Me, I live in Suburbia.  Believe it or not, twice within the past month, I have encountered (not that I live in a posh area or anything) wild pure bred poodles.  Poodles.  Just romping along the roadside.  I would have thought had I just seen one that it may have run away but what are the odds of seeing two runaway poodles in the same month.  That is all I have to say today and I'm pretty sure that is all that I need to say.  Nothing in depth.  No serious thoughts to ponder.  I just had to share.  Have a good day.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Seriously? Are You Kidding Me?

Sorry its been a bit since I blogged.  I had some ideas for various blogs and maybe I'll revisit those in the future but what got me off my lazy ass and typing today is that my frustration level is through the roof.  If you've been following along over the last year and a half or so, my family almost adopted a young lady from a state that's Far Away.  We didn't go through with it because she had family in Far Away that claimed they wanted to adopt her.  Even if they didn't formally adopt her, we didn't feel it was right to move her to Suburbia.  (Please see previous posts for the whole heart-wrenching story.)  Well, today I found out that said family members with whom she was living have declared that they no longer want her and she has been moved to yet another foster home.  WHAT???  I can't believe we called off our adoption to keep the girl close to family that pulls this kind of crap.  You can't just change your mind like its a sweater you bought at the mall and want to return.  This is a child we are talking about here!  She is a HUMAN BEING with feelings and emotions and . . ugh!!!!!  I have spent the morning texting with her and I just don't know what I can do to help.  I thought Far Away Child Services sucked before, now they officially super suck in my book.  How could this all happen to someone who has already been through so much in life?  Where is the fairness in that?  It seems that in dealing out crappy situations that God could spread the wealth around a little bit.  So now she sits in yet another foster home and I sit here and feel helpless.  It honestly makes me want to call the Suburbia Child Services and see if the adoption attempt can be reinstated.  I don't even know if that's possible but hell, I could do a better job helping her than any of the people in Far Away could.  Maybe getting as far away from Far Away as she can would be a good thing for her.  I hate feeling helpless.  Today is the first day of my "I'm-not-employed-any-more" celebration.  If I hadn't quit, I would be at work right now but instead of enjoying it, I am in a state of mental distress over this whole thing.  I love this little girl.  Even though we didn't officially adopt her, I still consider her family.  It hurts me that another member of my "family" is hurting.  I worry about her and what she may do if she gets too depressed.  She has been through a lot in her young life - more than most of us will go through in an entire lifetime and right now I just want to scoop her up and bring her here and show her what a semi-normal, loving family is like.  Guess I'll spend the next few hours just being frustrated and depressed until hubby gets home so we can talk about this whole situation.  Fun day.  Things like whether or not to quit my job and weight loss seem so insignificant when you get the sudden view of the big picture of life as I have gotten today.   Here's hoping I can come up with a solution.

Monday, April 30, 2012

The Resignation

I did it!  I officially resigned from my job!
Oh and here was my resignation letter -

I don’t know how to say this, I don’t know how it’s done
But I’m concerned I’ve run my course, this job just isn’t fun 

It was one time way in the past a ministry I thought
But now it’s become frustrating – a ministry it’s not

And so I go in hopes of finding more out there for me
It won’t be hard to fill the office spot I bet you’ll see

I’m giving you my notice, two weeks until I’m done
I want the church to know at times it really was quite fun

But lately things are tough with those overstepping the lines
And venturing to tasks not theirs, to tell the truth they’re mine

As well as folks who volunteered deciding that they’re through
So I’ve been told their jobs fall to me which is not fair if true

And so it is with a sad heart you will not see my name
On the back of the bulletin anymore, the job just isn’t the same

As it was when I started long ago, way back when
So I will be no longer here officially as of May 10

I will miss some of you and wish you well along your way
But due to certain instances I can no longer stay

So good-bye, farewell, see you around and all those other things
It feels so good to finally be spreading out my wings

I feel bad even as I type this and am really on my way out
But before I leave I just have to say I will not miss the Scouts

Friday, April 27, 2012


A friend of mine was telling me a story the other day of his most recent trip to the post office.  He said that there was a line of eight or nine people (when isn't there).  The postal employee called the next customer in line and the woman walked to the counter.  The customer needed one hundred sheets of stamps.  Yeah, you heard that right, one hundred sheets of stamps.  No problem right?  Wrong.  This is the post office.  Things are not supposed to be smooth and easy - let alone quick.  You would think that the employee would punch in the number 100 and then scan a sheet of stamps.  But that's out in the real world.  This was the postal realm where things are not as they should be.  No, the employee begins to scan each individual sheet of stamps INDIVIDUALLY!  After she had scanned in about twenty individual sheets of stamps, the line of people waiting began to get antsy and aggitated.  Noticing this, the postal employee stopped what she was doing and explained to the line that she had to do the transaction this way because if she did it the other way, the transaction was would be too quick.  Then when they do their studies of postal productivity, it would show how fast they were capable of going and the excess slack at the post office would be cut if not needed.  Yeah, you heard that right as well, the postal employee was telling them that she had to go as slow as possible in order for all the people at the post office to keep their jobs.  Are you kidding me?  I mean, we all knew they were slow but admitting it outright to customers.  That just takes the cake.  Nothing like a governement agency that is boasting about their inefficiency.  They are a monetary drain and a financial liability.  Instead of wanting to be productive and show their worth, they are determined to ban together in an inefficient union to protect each other.  Screw the mail and their customers.  The post office is slowly becoming obselete but at least they are consistent and becoming obselete slowly like everything else they do.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I've Been Committed Before, Literally, So Why Can't I Commit Now

Today, I did it.  Well, I kind of did it.  Ok, so I didn't really do it, I kind of wimped out again.  See, I'm trying to quit my job.  I want to quit my job.  I need to quit my job.  But I can't seem to commit to quitting my job.  Which is funny because most people would consider the act of having the job the commitment and the quitting of the job more of a lack of commitment.  But I just can't seem to put in my two weeks notice.  Today, I told my boss that I was 95% sure that I would be submitting my resignation before my next work day which is Tuesday.  That was about as sure of it as I could get in the moment.  I honestly don't know what they are going to do if (when) I leave.  There is no continuity book.  I offered to make one for them years ago but I told them I would need more hours or pay and they said no thanks.  Its not that I think so highly of myself that I think they can't function without me.  I just do stuff in the office that nobody else does which means nobody else will know how to do them once I leave.  My big fear in quitting is that I just hermit myself away from society and do nothing which I really feel I am prone to do but I am committed to making an effort for this not to happen.  I scheduled to go to a Suburbia Women's League meeting next week and may join that group.  I also thought about volunteering at the local public library since I love books or maybe even getting another job.  I'm not opposed to working.  I just feel that after eight years at the same place I need a change.  I've become stagnant.  Its that stubborn Taurusian trait that haunts me.  I get into a place and I don't want things to change.  If there was a tsunami coming, I wouldn't move my beach chair.  What I need to realize is that change can be good, change can be liberating and change is inevitable.  So why not choose to quit while I have the control to quit rather than waiting for them to run out of money, as so many non-profits do, to pay me.  I'll be interested to see if they replace me or just have volunteers do my job.  That would be funny.  I really don't think that they realize what all I did there.  Yeah, sometimes I felt like a monkey could do my job but there are plenty of times where things get beyond the zoo animals and take some thought and strategy.  I'd like to see any one of the people in that organization who are my "customers" put up with their fellow "customers".  It wouldn't last long and it wouldn't be pretty.  So I'm adding to the blog description.  Not only is it a blog about a girl trying to lose weight and find a new therapist, but also one who is quitting her job and revamping her life.  Maybe I should change the name of my blog from "My Thoughful Spot" to "My Mid-Life Crisis".

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Warning: May Contain Nuts

I just finished breakfast.  It was good.  It was this cereal that I had bought a week or so ago.  Its called "Nutty Nuggets".  Its the Kroger brand of "Grape Nuts".  The thing that strikes me as so funny about this cereal is that there are no nuts in it.  New Nutty Nuggets - does not contain actual nuts.  Lol!  I guess its a good thing considering if it had nuts in it I would most likely be on my way to the ER due to an allergic reaction.  But it got me thinking, in today's world, nothing is guaranteed to be what it actually claims to be.  Last night I was talking to a girl that I met on a social networking site.  She seemed nice enough but as we talked her story was a bit fishy.  Things just weren't adding up.  Then, I got a message from another friend warning me that the same girl with the same stunningly beautiful pictures and some of the same information had been a friend of hers previously and turned out to be some dude.  So unfortunately after a little more talking and a little more suspicion (and her trying to "surprise me" by guessing my phone number after googling me - don't worry, she got it wrong), I unfriended this "girl".  She kept sending me messages asking why I did it so in the end I had to block her from my account completely.  I felt bad but at the same time I felt stupid and violated.  If she was a dude (and a foreign dude at that - "she" said she was "not well versed in the internet" - who talks like that in America?), how are you supposed to know?  And if she was legit, she lost out because of people who pose as someone they are not and cause us all to be suspicious of each other.  We are all way more vulnerable than we know out there in cyberland.  Hubby said I was right to do what I did.  He said (and I believe him due to the field of work he is in) that not only do creepers and pedophiles lurk out there on the social networking sites but also terrorists looking to get any information they can.  All it takes is an email address and some fake pictures.  Easy peasy lemon-squeezy!  It is a scary world we live in I tell you.  Maybe I should set my own account to the restrictive privacy settings that I have on my daughter's account.  There may be no nuts in my cereal but that's just because they are all on the social networking sites!

Monday, April 9, 2012

From Talking to Stalking in Five Easy Calls

Ok.  Here's the deal.  Remember that therapist that I was seeing.  Well, she called.  Then she called again.  Then she called another time.  Then she called this past Friday.  Then she called this morning.  She is just not getting the hint.  Actually, its not just a hint.  Its what is obvious.  I am not calling her back therefore I am not interested in seeing her any more.  End of story.  Stop calling.  At this point what she is doing constitutes harassment and if she calls me again I will categorize her as a stalker.  I am glad that I didn't stay with her as a therapist and establish any type of relationship beyond the initial few meetings.  If she thinks I owe her after just those few meetings, I'd hate to see what she feels about her actual patients.  I owe her nothing.  She keeps saying she wants to know what my plans are.  My plans are not to call her back and to get on with my life.  I have a new therapist and I am happy with her so far and even if I was thinking of coming back to you, your relentless calling would have stifled that idea.  Can you say creepy?  That's what I am living through at the moment.  She is going out of town tomorrow so I may call her answering service and leave a nice blunt message with them that she cannot misinterpret.  But then again, I don't feel I owe her anything.  I don't have to explain my plans or intentions to her.  I am not coming to see her anymore.  What else is there to understand?  Whatever.  We are on our way in a few minutes to go to the back to discuss student loans and parent loans for that matter.  I'm not looking forward to this but it has to be done if we are going to finance our daughter's education.  Actually, if I take the money that the stalker ex-therapist wanted me to spend seeing her weekly and put that money toward my daughter's education, I may get it paid off sooner than I thought.  Here's hoping.  Everyone wish me luck and send me a dollar :)  lol

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I'm Starting to Charge $1 a Mile -or- Teamwork Schmeamwork

I am the Suburbia Taxi Company.  I don't mind driving my daughter and even her friends around but it just bothers me when something happens like happened today.  My daughter was supposed to meet another girl at the school to work on a project (they are currently on Spring Break).  Anyway, my daughter gets a call from this girl two minutes before we leave saying she doesn't have a ride.  She said her dad was going to come get her but someone walked into his office at the last minute so she now had no ride.  Could we come and pick her up?  I only work part-time so that I can be here for my child when she needs me which includes rides to places.  Because I don't work full-time, we don't live in a nice big house like this girl whose parents both work full-time.  But she assumes that because I am available to take my daughter that I am available to take her too.  Maybe this is just my annoyance du jour but I was really peeved.  Once in the car, the girl took a call on her cell phone which was from her dad.  From the conversation it was evident that she had not even asked her dad for a ride until today at the time she needed it.  The problem here is my daughter didn't have the supplies to do the project herself.  Why do they even do group/partner projects anyway?  The only thing I ever learned from doing a group/partner project in school is that you can't count on the other people in the group to do what they say they will do.  Oh, I take that back.  I also learned that people like to do nothing and claim other people's work as their own to get that good grade.  My daughter just finished another project where she did the entire thing herself and the partner got an A for doing nothing.  I think teamwork should be abolished. It should be every man for himself.  Why is it that we responsible people always have to go that extra mile?

Friday, March 23, 2012

The Unanswerable Question

How do you throw away a trash can?  Yes, I am seriously asking this.  We have an old trash can that we want to get rid of.  So the other day, we (ok let's be real, it's Hubby that puts out the trash) Hubby put out the can.  He put out old standing fan in it as we were throwing that out as well.  We had loads of recyclables and a can full of trash too.  But when all was said and done, both our good trash can and our old trash can remained.  So I ask the question, how do you throw away a trash can?  Next week, I am going to put a sign on the front of it that says "This can is trash.  Please recycle." and hopefully they will take it.  If not, I don't know what else to do.  Just like I don't know what to do about that crazy relaxation breathing therapist.  She called on Tuesday and left a message saying she got my cancellation message and to call her to reschedule.  I, of course, expecting her to call let it go to the machine.  I luckily did the same thing again yesterday when she called back again.  She left a similar message as the one on Tuesday asking me to call so we could reschedule.  My question with her is - Don't you get the hint lady?  I cancelled my appointment and now I'm not calling you back to reschedule.  Get it.  I don't want to talk to her again so I'm not calling her back.  Hopefully she'll stop calling.  In the meantime, I have been prepping my online store for its launch on Monday.  I'm excited and nervous but I really feel this is the next step for me.  I've kind of hit a wall though.  See, before I can list any items, I have to verify my Paypal account which requires me to input two deposit amounts from my bank account.  So, Hubby went out to get those numbers for me but we were unfortunately stumped by the security question "What was the name of your first pet?"  After three tries, it of course locked up.  So Hubby journeyed to the bank and they voided out the question saying that only our second question would appear.  So Hubby tried again and apparently we don't remember where we went to high school (even though we both went to the same one) because we got that one wrong too.  So today Hubby is going back to the bank to straighten things out.  In the meantime, I wait impatiently to start the next phase of my life.  Thank goodness the bank didn't ask "How do you throw away a trash can?" as their security question.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Look Out World, Here Comes Superwoman!

I am on an upswing!  Must be a few good bipolar days for me or something because I have made so much progress yesterday and today.  Yesterday I woke up in a funk.  I could practically see the dark cloud over my head.  It was awful.  I felt hopeless.  I felt despair.  I felt totally useless.  I called my boss and took a mental health day from work and then I talked to a great friend online and did something I didn't know I was going to do that day.  I chucked the new therapist I had been seeing.  That's right.  I kicked her to the curb.  I called (lauckily getting her answering service) and cancelled my appoinment for Friday.  It was like the heavens opened and light was shining down on me.  All of a sudden I had this huge weight lifted off my back that I didn't even realize was there.  I had been dreading my next appointment and now that I had scrapped that I was free.  I called a new therapist and explained to her that what I am looking for is talk therapy not behavioral stuff and she said she will be happy to talk to me.  She even got me in within the next two weeks.  I was light as air at this point so I asked myself, what else do I want to do and have been putting off?  So I started today to set up my online shop.  I have enough  necklaces to start one and can make more if I need to but I thought today is the day.  So I went onto the site and set up shop.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be but I am determined.  I have no items in it yet and probably won't launch it until next week.  But I am doing it damn it!  I am going to be happy!  I've even decided to get healthier and Hubby has agreed to jump on the bandwagon.  We are going to do the "Couch to 5K" program.  I have a friend that did it and another friend who is currently doing it so it has a realistic look to it.  I just hope I can ride this high long enough to see some improvements in my life.  So, now in addition to being a blog about a girl who is switching therapists, it will also be a blog about a girl attempting to shed some pounds and start her own business.  See - a little bit of something for everyone.  I aim to please!

Monday, March 19, 2012

You've Got a Friend (Request) in Me

While I am eternally grateful for facebook, I can't help but think about how this tool has manipulated the way in which we think.  There are people out there that have over 1000 friends.  Over 1000 friends?  If I wrote down the names of everyone I've known my whole life I doubt I'd get to 1000.  This person doesn't have 1000 friends.  They have 1000 people that they clicked "send friend request" for.  They obviously don't have the same definition of friend that many of us have.  I don't have many friends.  That is something that I am working on.  Being more social and maintaining relationships with people.  Mostly I'm focusing on tangible people.  Not that I want to literally touch the people.  That would be weird.  I just find that I am much more able to make friends and meet people when I'm on the inter-web.  Having friends in real life is much harder than that.  You have to make an effort to stay in touch.  Its super easy to be friends with someone who is always at your fingertips and just a click away.  Its harder to set up a time to meet and have lunch and chat for an hour or so.  Number one - you have to get dressed.  This can be challenging for those of us with depression.  Number two - you have to fit it in their schedule because if you are a person with depression and anxiety who doesn't leave the house too much, your schedule is pretty open.  Number three - you have to psych yourself up when the times comes and not find a reason to back out which is super easy to do.  If you're depressed and anxious, you have a million excuses at hand.  Number four - you have to maintain a lively conversation.  You have to make enough eye contact but not too much.  You have to think up witty interesting topics.  You have to endure the periodic silences where other people, normal people, would not even notice but where you sit and wonder why you are such a social freak.  And last but not least Number five - you go home and feel triumphant for about half an hour till you start to think about the lunch and wonder if the other person could tell you went through Numbers one through four.  Its kind of like the stress most people associate with dating only you're not dating, you're just having lunch with a friend.  That is what it is like when you have depression and an anxiety disorder.  I'm hoping this doesn't freak out any of the friends that I DO have lunch and coffee with but only serve to help everyone understand how hard it is for us to do these "normal" things.  That is why most of us retreat to our cyber-haven and seek out "friendships" there.  Some of them DO turn into actual friendships that last for years and through much more than most physical friends would weather with you.  But all too often we end up deleted from someone's friend list with no explanation leaving us wondering yet again - what is wrong with us.

Friday, March 16, 2012

What's Next? Picturing my Happy Place?

I went to therapy again today.  This time she wanted to teach me relaxation breathing and I figured I had already paid my $25 co-pay so I should probably give it a chance.  I was open to the idea until she said she encourages her clients to lie on the couch in her office and participate in the exercise.  I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't do it.  Something about lying on a couch in a psychologist's office was just too cliche for me.  I felt like I would have been a satirical cartoon not a reality so I told her I wasn't comfortable with that and that I would just sit up.  I was proud of myself for standing my ground but it made me wonder again if this is the right fit for me therapy-wise.   And I can't help but feel that going on a weekly basis is a huge step backward from my monthly basis I had previously worked up to.  I am used to talk therapy.  I go in.  I talk about my life.  Problems emerge.  I get guidance on how to deal with them.  I go home.  Simple process, right?  Apparently not because that's not the way this lady does it.  I don't know.  Maybe we'll get to the talking part after the relaxation techniques are over.  The problem with that is she shared with me today that there are four, yes FOUR relaxation techniques she would like to work on with me. And she only wants to focus on one per session.  That's an entire month of relazation techniques.  I just want some basic plain old talk therapy.  That's it.  No elaborate psychoanalysis.  I just can't get past the the fact that dealing with my therapist gives me stress.  Maybe I should use my breathing techniques before I go to therapy.  Ah, the irony of it all.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

That's Ms. Smurfhead to You!

I did it!  I went and got my green hair fixed and now it is a nice smurfy blue.  I love the way it looks.  And I was even there in a thunderstorm watch and I didn't freak out.  The only down side is she wanted to dye all of my hair which did freak out about a little bit.  I like my natural hair color with the blond and the red mixed in with the brown but she really wanted to do the whole thing so she could "do it right".  I don't mind it.  I really haven't looked at it much because I really don't like to look in the mirror much.  But I'm sure its ok.  Hubby said if I don't tell people that they won't even know but I'm not so sure about that.  I am telling all of you so that kind of negates that.  The worst part was when I was finished.  See our daughter had a function at the school at 6 and my appointment was at 4 and was supposed to last until 5:30.  Well, it lasted till 6.  Right when my hubby was taking my daughter to her function a good 15 minutes away.  So I had to wait a nice 20 -25 minutes in this lady's house just sitting there akwardly talking to her and her sons.  It wasn't bad it was just . . . well . . . weird.  But I'm happy with my hair and that's what matters.  I smell like a chemical reaction.  I may just be getting high off my hair but I have this sudden urge to sing la la la-la la-la la la-la la la. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

Hold: Placement Pending

Another Monday, another week.  I'm alone again.  At home.  Trying to find things to do that I want to do that will make my day feel productive.  Not an easy task considering I don't want to do most of the productive things around here - laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc.  I've already done two pages in the scrapbook that I am making for my daughter's graduation party but that's about it so far.  I got to sleep in because Suburbia High School is having their sophomore students report on time to take the Standardized State You-have-to-pass-this-before-you-graduate Tests.  The rest of the students including my senior are on a two hour delay.  So aside from waking up late and scrapbooking I haven't done a whole lot.  I did chat with the girl we were going to adopt.  She was at school and I probably shouldn't condone her lack of attention to her studies by chatting online with her but . . . oh well, she said they weren't doing anything anyway.  I have to admit that I do still go out on the "kid shopping" website and browse around even though we aren't "actively looking" for another child to adopt.  It is strange to see the girls' statuses change to "Hold: Placement Pending" just to be made into "Available" again at some point in the future because one thing or another didn't work out.  "Hold: Placement Pending" means one of two things - either their cases are being reviewed to see if there is any interest from any prospective parents or there are prospective parents who are going through the process of adopting that child.  At the moment, the girl we were going to adopt's status is "Hold: Placement Pending".  When I originally saw this, I was quite saddened in a selfish way.  She was supposed to be our daughter.  How could she be someone else's daughter?  But I have healthily come to terms with it.  It is best for her.  I only hope that if there is a family who is proceeding with adopting her they a) keep her in her home state where she can see her family on occasion, and b) still allow her to talk to me even though I was her almost mom.  But whatever they decide, having a family is what would be best for her.  I have no claim to her.  I have no right to feel saddened.  She is a family friend and that is the extent of it.  But my heart holds on still.  Why?  I don't know.  I don't know why I can't just walk away.  Why I have to keep this connection.  Why even though she never will be, she still feels like family.  I guess time heals all wounds and eventually the wound that whole experience left on my heart will heal but till then, I will worry about her and wonder if she is being taken care of, if she is happy, and if she really misses me too.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Maternal Contentment and the Art of Philanthropy

I just spent an hour in the basement clearing out old crap.  Hubby was with me so it wasn't too bad.  It basically consisted of me going through boxes and handing crap to Hubby saying "Trash" or "Donate".  We got rid of a lot of stuff - three bags of trash and a bunch of boxes to donate.  It feels good to get stuff cleaned out.  Some of the stuff was trash, some of it was things to be donated without pause and some of it was sentimental in value.  I thought the sentimental stuff would be harder to get rid of but it wasn't.  I stopped at one point on a shirt and thought "This would be cute in a t-shirt quilt".  Then I remembered the pile of t-shirts I already have upstairs that are not yet in quilt form and thought "This would be more beneficial to someone as a t-shirt."  What a beautiful thought.  What a beautiful freeing thought.  I don't know if I've been taken over by the spirit of someone who can actually accomplish this stuff but I was definately on a roll.  I was getting rid of stuff right and left.  I've never felt so free.  It was liberating.  The thing is that I have to be in the mood to get rid of stuff.  It's strange how that happens.  One day I can be holding onto things and remembering old times.  The next day I can be throwing out the thing I was fixated on the day before.  Its strange.  I'm strange.  Now I have a few boxes of papers that I have to go through before they can just be thrown out.  Its sad that we live in a world where you can't just throw things away because someone somewhere might go through your trash.  Sigh.  What a wonderful world we live in huh?  Well, at least nothing happened at the school on Friday although I think if someone were going to do something, they would wait until a day where there were actually people there.  Great.  Now I'm afraid to send my daughter to school tomorrow.  I tell you where I am not sending her at the moment - Walt Disney World.  Yes, I decided that my daughter's education is more important than a trip to Orlando.  It was all just too much.  The dates were wrong.  The flights cost a lot.  Most of the hotels were booked up.  It was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  Just wasn't going to happen.  So I sit here - mouseless and wonder what tomorrow will bring.  Guess I'll go work on my "Good Things About Me" list.  I guess considering the concession I made about the Florida trip, I could start off with "a good mom".

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Little Miss Crankypants

I called the girl to fix the color in my hair and she was nice - as usual I just made things out to be worse than they really are.  I have no villian at the moment so I'm kind of cranky.  It is a beautiful day outside and I'm still cranky.  I had a productive day and I'm still cranky.  I had a breakfast date with my hubby and I'm still cranky.  What the hell is my problem?  Oh, that's right, I have Mood Disorder N. O. S.  There I go again.  Making myself be the disorder.  My therapist says that I shouldn't let my disorders define who I am but when your disorders affect majority of your thoughts, actions, and emotions, how do you differentiate yourself from the disorder without ending up with a split personality.  Which, I might add is a whole other disorder. I think I'm just tired.  My doc allowed me to go off of one of my meds upon my request.  Sometimes I get tired of putting so many extra chemicals into my body even if they are needed or have good results.  It was the med that helped me to sleep.  I'm falling asleep just fine but I'm not sleeping as deeply or as soundly as I was before.  When I wake up at night (and I do wake up many times with or without the medication) I find that I am more awake and alert than with my medication which makes me realize that the medication was actually doing something.  The trouble is that I don't want to go back on the medicine but I want to be getting enough sleep.  Whatever.  I'm just cranky and that's the way its going to be today.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Billie Joe Armstrong is My Idol (Title Has No Relation to my Post I'm Just Singing Green Day on Guitar Hero While Trying to Come Up with a Title)

I went to my therapy appointment today and it went well.  I was so scared that she was going to be angry with me for buying the wrong book but she wasn't and if she was, she didn't let me know it.  The workbook I have is on Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  She said she didn't know much about it but she had heard good things.  I'm on page 40 so I think its going well.  Most things would have lost my attention by page 10.  But this I'm finding interesting.  It is reminding me that not everything I do is negative.  There are some good things to me.  That's what I have to do for my next therapy session next Friday - make a list of good things about me.  It'll be tough.  I'm not really one to see the good in things let alone myself.  But the book is helping.  And believe it or not, today's therapy session helped too.  I was convinced that it wouldn't.  Actually, I was convinced that my therapist was a puppy kicking, hair pulling bully.  But she's not.  She is nice.  I don't know why I tend to villify everyone.  Ok, so maybe not everyone.  Just her mostly.  But I did do it.  I wish I wouldn't.  I wish I could go through life with lollipops and rainbows like my hubby.  But I must be true to myself and until I've gone through enough therapy with Dr. Not-Cruella-Deville to learn differently I guess I will continue to villify someone most of the time.  I mean what good is a story without a villian.  I'll try to limit it to one person at a time.  Now, I just have to call that kitten punching, shin kicking chick who is going to fix my blue-green hair color.  I'm sure in reality she's really sweet.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Suburban Scare

I am kind of freaking out at the moment.  I know - so what's new with that?  But I am seriously serious this time.  Not that I'm not serious any other time but . . . ok, to the point.  I just got an e-mail from my daughter's school saying that a threat has been made on a bathroom wall by an unknown person that states that "something" will happen at the school on Friday.  What?  You send me this in an e-mail?  This is serious stuff people.  I'm hoping like everyone else that it is just a hoax but in today's world, you cannot afford to think that way.  The e-mail said they are taking it seriously and are upping the police presence at the school this week but that really doesn't help me to feel any better.  I want to go to the school right now and pick my daughter up and home school her for the rest of the year.  I'm assuming that the kids don't know yet because as of my dropping her off this morning she had no clue but then again neither did I.  Why weren't we told of this yesterday if they found it after school!  Why wait till all the children are at the school and at risk the next day to let everyone know.  Probably because they were too busy with their levy last night.  I don't know.  I'm just still kind of freaking out.  I've talked to a few friends but its hard to understand until its your kid in the face of possible danger.  When you see things like this on the tv, they almost don't seem real.  You think "what is this world coming to?" but its the world out there not the world in here.  This time it is my kid.  This time it is my community.  This time it hits home.  I just checked some of the social networking sites and they are talking about it.  It is supposed to be a school shooting that will happen.  Great.  No school for my daughter tomorrow or Friday.  I'll be keeping her home.  Call me paranoid but if you get a warning wouldn't you heed it?  I'm having enough trouble not putting my coat on right now and going over and getting her out of school.  But she's there.  And I'm trying to trust that she is safe.  But once she is home I'm not giving her back.  This when there was just a facebook posting about a potential shooting planned at the middle school yesterday.  With that threat, they evacuated the school and diverted busses.  With this one, they wait and let the kids come to school.  Doesn't make sense to me.  Seems that a second threat in as many days would warrant a more cautious approach.  I don't know what they're thinking.  Unfortunately for this post I have no witty ending.  Let's just hope in reality its a happy ending.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Mouse Versus Master's

I got my hair cut last night and now you can really see the blue . . . I mean green, I guess.  Apparently when you put aqua blue over blond you get green.  Go figure.  I guess I learned that in elementary school.  Yellow and blue make green.  Just never thought of it in relation to hair before.  Anyway, I'm sitting on my couch typing this blog post watching a reality tattoo show.  I'm on my new laptop.  I am excited but I'm also thinking this may not be the best thing for me.  I may never leave my couch now.  I'm also having a love/hate relationship with the program that is on.  I love tattoos.  I want more tattoos.  But a couple years ago I had a doc tell me that I should never, ever get another one. He said with all of my allergies it wouldn't be a good idea and could very well make my immune system go crazy.  I had to ask one more time, so I checked with my current doc and he said the same thing.  Boooooo!  No more tatts for me :(  So I will relish my one and covet the sleeves and body artwork of others.  I am also at the moment trying to figure out a way to get to Orlando for cheap.  Since Hubby is headed that way for work, I figured if we just tack a vacation onto the beginning of it (its our daughter's spring break), it saves us the airfare for one person since his company will pick up his tab.  We have the money.  That's not really the problem.  The problem lies in that money should really go toward our daughter's education.  Especially considering that at one of the universities she was considering, our bill would be $17000 after any and all aid including her loans!  Yikes!  Sucks to be working middle class.  You get squat when it comes to higher education. It has kind of put me in the mindset of "we'll never get that much so why try?"  I have one more idea as to how to get her education funded but I'm not letting that feline out of the sack until it is over and done with and either successful or not.  So I will crunch numbers and search and weigh out the benefits of Mickey Mouse versus her Master's.  There really isn't much more to report from my couch.  Hey, now that I can compute from my favorite rear rest, I think maybe I'll write that novel that's in my head.  Once upon a time . . . there was this girl who never left her couch . . . except to go to Orlando :)