Why is Not Just a Question for Preschoolers

I'm not sure that I really have anything to say today.  I just figured it has been some time since I posted so I should at least give you all an update.  The update is - nothing.  She is still missing.  I read an article yesterday from a local newspaper in Far Away about the whole situation.  It said that she was having a sexual relationship with the 30 year old man she left with.  They believe she left of her own free will.  Doesn't surprise me one bit actually.  I've given up on thinking that if we had adopted her then none of this would have happened.  It may have happened here just as well.  It doesn't matter because we didn't adopt her and I need to move on from that.  I need to not worry about her any more than I would any other friend or family aquiantance.  Hard to do?  Yeah.  But not impossible.  I just have to focus on other things.  I hope she is found and I hope that the guy she went with is put in prison but until then I've done all that I can do.  End of story.  I need to just put the whole adoption thing behind me.  Today I saw a friend that I haven't seen in a long time.  She let me know that she is not doing well.  She told me that she has early onset dementia.  I was stunned.  I didn't know what to say.  It got me thinking about a friend's mother who had dementia and even Hubby's grandmother which as usual gets me started thinking about mortality in general which gets me thinking about Hubby and I and our mortality.  I don't know if or when I am going to die.  I like to think that I never will but I guess . . . scratch that, I know we all do at some point.  That takes care of the who and the what which just leaves the question of where, when and how.  The problem isn't my death.  It's Hubby's.  I cannot picture my life without Hubby.  I've tried to think about it, tried to prepare myself for the dreaded "what if" but its like without him I will cease to exist.  I worry about that feeling.  With my depression and history of mental illness, I wonder what would happen to me if something happened to him.  So I try not to think about it.  Instead I fill my days doing things to distract my obsessive brain with other things.  Like blogging.  When I remember to do it.  And when I feel that someone out there somewhere may be interested in what I have to say or which is not often.  I guess that's why I don't blog as much as I did before.  My confidence is lacking.  I don't know why but it is.  I need an ego boost.  A shot of confidence in myself.  That takes care of the who and the what now I just need to figure out the where, when and how.  Wait.  I left out the why.  Why do we die?  Why don't I have confidence?  Why am I even writing this right now?  Wow, guess I had more to say than I thought I did.  Wonder why?