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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

If Only I was You're-a-peein'

I was pondering what to write as a blog entry today.  Numerous ideas crossed my mind such as my latest tangle with my local pharmacy ("No I will not pay you $322 because you keep pushing the wrong button") but I settled on a topic that I'm sure we are all interested in - the bidet.

WARNING: This blog post contains juvenile wording for natural human processes and parts.  If this will offend you, please stop reading here.  If you're ok with words like pooh and tinkle, please proceed but comments saying how offended you are will not be tolerated.  You've been warned.

I don't know how it came up.  I think we were watching an episode of House Hunters on HGTV and the house the people were looking at had a bidet.  The potential occupants were surprised and in their uncomfortable way made some borderline inappropriate jokes.  But my daughter asked why they had two toilets.  I responded that one was a bidet.  She had no idea what that was so I explained to her that you use it after the toilet and it shoots water on your lady bits to clean you and then blow dries your private zone.  I explained that they are very popular in Europe but nobody uses them in the United States and I got to thinking - why not?  Why are we as Americans not blessed with possibly one of the greatest forms of hygenic cleansing ever invented?  I mean, what are we afraid of?  A little water?  A little air flow?  We pride ourselves in having technology out the whazoo but when it comes to our whazoo we skimp.  I did however have three questions for my European followers who are veteran bidet users.  First off, does water do the job?  I mean the full job.  Let's face it. We've all had those moments where we need to use more toilet paper than an overzealous three year old.  Does the stream of water have some force behind it to force our behind into clean territory?  Second, same question basically but this time it involves the dryer.  Do you end up feeling like you just sat in a puddle?  And latestly, how does one get from the toilet to the bidet without making a mess or leaving a trail?  I mean they are typically positioned close to each other but not THAT close.  Now, given that I have zero patience to wait for my European friends to comment.  I did what any normal American does when they don't know anything about something.  They Google it.  This is where I discovered the Swash 1000 Bidet Toilet Seat.  With an installation time of less than 20 minutes, you too can feel as though you are poohing abroad.  The review was good (Well I guess it was good.  I don't read many bidet reviews so I don't have a standard against which to measure this one.)  It even answered some of my questions.  Yes, the water does the job.  Yes, you still may need a minimal amount of toilet paper.  And with this particular model, there is no messy transfer from seat to seat.  Its an all in one deal.  It even has a smell elimination feature!  The only real downside is that you will hate poohing anywhere else once you've experience it.  You will become one spoiled tinkler.  But I say, bring it on.  Look out toilet paper industry.  Here comes the Swash 1000.  It will put you out of business.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe the supression of the bidet has been formulated by the toilet paper industry to protect their profits.  Like a toilet paper mafia!  See - good things come from waching cable TV and frequent Googling.  Without these, I never could have warned you about the toilet paper mafia.  Feel free to leave your thanks in the comments and remember this is America - it is your right to bidet.  United we Swash!

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