Shameless Self Promotion

After a disrupted adoption, we are in the process of attempting to adopt again.  If you would like to follow our trials and tribulations as we make our way through this process a second time, please see my other blog "The Butterfly Keepers" at www.wordpress.com/thebutterflykeepers.  Thank you and I hope to see you there!

Why is Not Just a Question for Preschoolers

I'm not sure that I really have anything to say today.  I just figured it has been some time since I posted so I should at least give you all an update.  The update is - nothing.  She is still missing.  I read an article yesterday from a local newspaper in Far Away about the whole situation.  It said that she was having a sexual relationship with the 30 year old man she left with.  They believe she left of her own free will.  Doesn't surprise me one bit actually.  I've given up on thinking that if we had adopted her then none of this would have happened.  It may have happened here just as well.  It doesn't matter because we didn't adopt her and I need to move on from that.  I need to not worry about her any more than I would any other friend or family aquiantance.  Hard to do?  Yeah.  But not impossible.  I just have to focus on other things.  I hope she is found and I hope that the guy she went with is put in prison but until then I've done all that I can do.  End of story.  I need to just put the whole adoption thing behind me.  Today I saw a friend that I haven't seen in a long time.  She let me know that she is not doing well.  She told me that she has early onset dementia.  I was stunned.  I didn't know what to say.  It got me thinking about a friend's mother who had dementia and even Hubby's grandmother which as usual gets me started thinking about mortality in general which gets me thinking about Hubby and I and our mortality.  I don't know if or when I am going to die.  I like to think that I never will but I guess . . . scratch that, I know we all do at some point.  That takes care of the who and the what which just leaves the question of where, when and how.  The problem isn't my death.  It's Hubby's.  I cannot picture my life without Hubby.  I've tried to think about it, tried to prepare myself for the dreaded "what if" but its like without him I will cease to exist.  I worry about that feeling.  With my depression and history of mental illness, I wonder what would happen to me if something happened to him.  So I try not to think about it.  Instead I fill my days doing things to distract my obsessive brain with other things.  Like blogging.  When I remember to do it.  And when I feel that someone out there somewhere may be interested in what I have to say or which is not often.  I guess that's why I don't blog as much as I did before.  My confidence is lacking.  I don't know why but it is.  I need an ego boost.  A shot of confidence in myself.  That takes care of the who and the what now I just need to figure out the where, when and how.  Wait.  I left out the why.  Why do we die?  Why don't I have confidence?  Why am I even writing this right now?  Wow, guess I had more to say than I thought I did.  Wonder why?

Seriously? Are You Kidding Me?

Sorry its been a bit since I blogged.  I had some ideas for various blogs and maybe I'll revisit those in the future but what got me off my lazy ass and typing today is that my frustration level is through the roof.  If you've been following along over the last year and a half or so, my family almost adopted a young lady from a state that's Far Away.  We didn't go through with it because she had family in Far Away that claimed they wanted to adopt her.  Even if they didn't formally adopt her, we didn't feel it was right to move her to Suburbia.  (Please see previous posts for the whole heart-wrenching story.)  Well, today I found out that said family members with whom she was living have declared that they no longer want her and she has been moved to yet another foster home.  WHAT???  I can't believe we called off our adoption to keep the girl close to family that pulls this kind of crap.  You can't just change your mind like its a sweater you bought at the mall and want to return.  This is a child we are talking about here!  She is a HUMAN BEING with feelings and emotions and . . ugh!!!!!  I have spent the morning texting with her and I just don't know what I can do to help.  I thought Far Away Child Services sucked before, now they officially super suck in my book.  How could this all happen to someone who has already been through so much in life?  Where is the fairness in that?  It seems that in dealing out crappy situations that God could spread the wealth around a little bit.  So now she sits in yet another foster home and I sit here and feel helpless.  It honestly makes me want to call the Suburbia Child Services and see if the adoption attempt can be reinstated.  I don't even know if that's possible but hell, I could do a better job helping her than any of the people in Far Away could.  Maybe getting as far away from Far Away as she can would be a good thing for her.  I hate feeling helpless.  Today is the first day of my "I'm-not-employed-any-more" celebration.  If I hadn't quit, I would be at work right now but instead of enjoying it, I am in a state of mental distress over this whole thing.  I love this little girl.  Even though we didn't officially adopt her, I still consider her family.  It hurts me that another member of my "family" is hurting.  I worry about her and what she may do if she gets too depressed.  She has been through a lot in her young life - more than most of us will go through in an entire lifetime and right now I just want to scoop her up and bring her here and show her what a semi-normal, loving family is like.  Guess I'll spend the next few hours just being frustrated and depressed until hubby gets home so we can talk about this whole situation.  Fun day.  Things like whether or not to quit my job and weight loss seem so insignificant when you get the sudden view of the big picture of life as I have gotten today.   Here's hoping I can come up with a solution.

Hold: Placement Pending

Another Monday, another week.  I'm alone again.  At home.  Trying to find things to do that I want to do that will make my day feel productive.  Not an easy task considering I don't want to do most of the productive things around here - laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc.  I've already done two pages in the scrapbook that I am making for my daughter's graduation party but that's about it so far.  I got to sleep in because Suburbia High School is having their sophomore students report on time to take the Standardized State You-have-to-pass-this-before-you-graduate Tests.  The rest of the students including my senior are on a two hour delay.  So aside from waking up late and scrapbooking I haven't done a whole lot.  I did chat with the girl we were going to adopt.  She was at school and I probably shouldn't condone her lack of attention to her studies by chatting online with her but . . . oh well, she said they weren't doing anything anyway.  I have to admit that I do still go out on the "kid shopping" website and browse around even though we aren't "actively looking" for another child to adopt.  It is strange to see the girls' statuses change to "Hold: Placement Pending" just to be made into "Available" again at some point in the future because one thing or another didn't work out.  "Hold: Placement Pending" means one of two things - either their cases are being reviewed to see if there is any interest from any prospective parents or there are prospective parents who are going through the process of adopting that child.  At the moment, the girl we were going to adopt's status is "Hold: Placement Pending".  When I originally saw this, I was quite saddened in a selfish way.  She was supposed to be our daughter.  How could she be someone else's daughter?  But I have healthily come to terms with it.  It is best for her.  I only hope that if there is a family who is proceeding with adopting her they a) keep her in her home state where she can see her family on occasion, and b) still allow her to talk to me even though I was her almost mom.  But whatever they decide, having a family is what would be best for her.  I have no claim to her.  I have no right to feel saddened.  She is a family friend and that is the extent of it.  But my heart holds on still.  Why?  I don't know.  I don't know why I can't just walk away.  Why I have to keep this connection.  Why even though she never will be, she still feels like family.  I guess time heals all wounds and eventually the wound that whole experience left on my heart will heal but till then, I will worry about her and wonder if she is being taken care of, if she is happy, and if she really misses me too.

This is the Story of a Girl who Cried a River and Drowned the Whole World

Today was one of the hardest days of my entire life.  See Monday, the social worker in Far Away was supposed to tell Frontrunner that we would not be adopting her.  Wednesday she still didn't know.  Thursday she still didn't know.  Today when she was chatting with me on the computer, she still didn't know.  I felt like I was lying by omission.  It sucked.  I had not idea when the social worker was actually going to tell her and I thought it cruel not to so I told her.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.  I spent the entire time blubbering and sobbing.  Our decision was multi-faceted but the main reason were her family ties.  Her family ties were from our point of view much stronger than we were led to believe.  Not that we wouldn’t allow a child to have any family bonds, its just that we didn’t feel right moving her over a thousand miles away from those family ties.  We don’t feel that the adjustment to a new community and school that is tremendously larger than the community and school she currently is a part of was going to go smoothly at all.  She would miss out on the personal attention that she receives in that environment.  She also had a ton of freedom and control in her current situation.  Freedom and control she would have lost by coming to live with us and our rules.  It would have felt like a prison.  It was a heart-wrenching decision but we felt it was in her best interest.  I reassured her that we love her and we really do.  I will always love her.  I am just afraid that she hates me.  Hates us.  I still want to be there for her as a support in her life but fear she will shut us out completely.  I am grieving this loss and have no interest in looking for another child to adopt.  I feel like a mean, heartless monster.  I just hope some day she can forgive me.  Great, I’m crying again.

Flight to Suburbia: Cancelled

I just downed a half quart of cherry cheesecake ice cream straight from the carton which means - I am upset.  I was so upset yesterday that I couldn't even blog about it.  But today I have decided to share because I want all of those following along in our saga to be up to date.  Yesterday we e-mailed the Faraway social worker to ask for additional visits before Frontrunner came to live with us on her "moved up move in date".  We stated that we needed additional time with her and that everything was happening very quickly with last week's news of moving up the move in date to before June 6th when foster parents are going out of the country.  We even suggested using us as respite care during that time and counting that as our visit.  Easy peasy.  Problem solved.  We get another extended visit.  Frontrunner gets to finish out her school year in Faraway.  Faraway social worker gets to take her time with the paperwork.  Anyway, we heard back from Faraway social worker who said there would be no Memorial Day visit or visit for respite care.  There would be no more visits until after Frontrunner graduates from middle school at the end of June.  WHAT?!?!?!  At the recommendation of Frontrunner's therapist, all visits have been called off until late June at the earliest.  What the hell kind of therapist recommends that in order to help with an adjustment to something new, you should totally separate yourself from that new thing for an extended period of time?  We asked for more visits, they in turn took away the visit that was planned.  We were told the decision was a done deal.  Later that night when texting with Frontrunner, we found out that she was aware of this cancellation.  We asked when she found out.  She didn't know.  We asked who told her.  She didn't know.  We asked why it was called off.  She didn't know.  Okay?  Seems a little fishy to me.  What I want to know is why we were the only ones who were not told that this visit was not going to happen?  If we hadn't asked Faraway social worker for more visits, we would still be in the dark.  I understand the main focus here has to be the kid but it seems like nobody is taking the potential adoptive parents' feeling and needs into consideration let alone just keeping us informed.  I feel completely out of the loop.  One minute they are pushing her here early.  The next minute we can't even get a visit.  I am just worried that we are getting strung along or forced out of the picture for some reason.  I try not to say too much to Frontrunner but she is the only one communicating with us at this point.  We tried to talk to the therapist.  The proper paperwork wasn't filled out on Faraway social worker's end.  She tried to bail on Frontrunner's last visit as well.  If she wants her to be adopted, why doesn't she want her coming here.  She's the one that matched us and chose us as the adoptive family.  I'm not going to make any comments on how I feel people are doing or not doing their jobs.  It is your conclusion to come to based on what you now know.  Our social worker is trying to get some answers for us and in the meantime, we will be talking to the guardian ad lidem to see if he can answer some of our questions on Frontrunner, the process and anything else he can possibly tell us.  All we can do is wait to get some answers.  This process is hell.

Making a List and Checking It Twice . . . Three times . . . Okay One Last Time and I'm Done I Swear . . .

It is better to overreact given the situation.  I was right.  I'm not crazy.  I heard what I heard and I knew I heard it.  That said, I didn't learn much new at therapy yesterday.  Except maybe that fact that I should be going weekly and not monthly at this point.  Too many things going on.  Too much stress.  Too many major life decisions involving major life changes for me not to have a sounding board at this point.  The trouble now is that Hubby thinks my sounding board is swaying me in one direction.  I look at it more as snapping me back into reality.  Either way, my feelings on this are worse than hormonal mood swings.  All I know is I cannot put myself through this again.  If its not gonna work this time, then its just not gonna work.  Period.  I need a good list of pros and cons.  And not one of those bogus lists of pros and cons that I always make where everything is a pro and a con.  I need to stick to the facts and feelings and decide if each item is a pro or a con.  Maybe that will at least help me to think things through a bit.  And I like making lists.  I do.  I will even add things to my list of things to do that aren't on it.  If I have forgotten to put something on there, I will write it on once I finish it just so I can cross it off.  Drawing that little line through an item gives me such a feeling of accomplishment.  But then again, I never know when to end the lists.  At what point do you stop adding things.  When will my list of pros and cons be complete?  When I am happy with the column that has won?  When I have thought of every infinite possibility that could maybe occur?  God the thought of making a list is stressing me out.  It's not on my list but I think I'll go take a nap.

Cannonball!

Ok peeps!  I am finally back.  After our visit from Frontrunner was set for this week and then cancelled Monday of last week, she actually came Thursday of last week with less than 48 hours notice.  What a roller coaster!  Things went well during her stay and tears were shed when she left yesterday.  It looks like this may really work out.  Provided there are no surprises, she should be coming to live with us at the end of June.  Her visit here allowed us to be more at ease and thus more ourselves which helped contribute to everyone being more comfortable.  She and our daughter got along well.  Our daughter said to me at one point "Mom if there's something she does that I don't like or agree with, I just think of you and Uncle Crazy (my brother).  You two don't like all the same things and don't always get along but that's what having a subling is about."  Quite insightful for being raised an only child.  Frontrunner has decided to change her name - first, last and middle.  New name, new start.  She will be taking our last name - something that makes us very happy.  There will be much teaching and guiding and modeling to be done but she was showing signs of accepting a positive influence.  It will be a change.  There is no denying that.  But the change is one I think we as a family can handle.  We as a family meaning all FOUR of us.  Here I go again, jumping in the deep end but at least this time I got to dip my toes in the water first.  Now I feel like its me jumping and not being pushed in.

Lights Out!

Do you ever feel like you are completely in the dark?  That's how I feel right now.  Like I am completely in the dark.  We got back from Faraway last Sunday and haven't heard a peep from anyone involved with this adoption process.  No "How was the trip?".  Nothing.  I thought for sure that our worker would be all over it when we got back but nada.  I thought for sure her worker would follow up with us on how things went but nope.  We've had plenty of friends and family ask us all about it.  But nobody who should care, whose job it is to care, seems to at all.  Another proof that the system is indeed broken.  Our Frontrunner is supposed to be coming here to Suburbia in about a week to visit us on our turf.  We have no idea of any details of that trip.  Frontrunner herself is grounded so there's no texting or messaging coming from her direction.  And from what I understand, kids today have no idea that phones can be used for talking into.  Its almost as though we never went at all.  So, today I started on yet another mission - encourage communication and prove to myself that yes, indeed, we did go to Faraway and it wasn't just a figment of my imagination.  I was kind of hoping Hubby would pick up the ball on this one but then again I forgot - I'm insane.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome.  So technically Hubby does drive me to insanity.  So does the child welfare system in the US.  Although I am understanding it more and more.  Not really the people but some of the rules.  Like the one that says an adoption can't be finalized until the child has lived with you for at least six months.  Once upon a time, I thought that was cruel and unusual punishment.  Now I completely understand it.  There is no way from meeting someone once or twice that you can tell if you will be compatible to live together forever.  That would be like getting married on your second date.  The odds of divorce would be pretty high in that case and as I see it, the odds of failure would be far greater if you finalize when a child first moves in with you.  Its a six month trial period for everyone involved.  Everyone.  And I have the feeling it will be the toughest six months of my life.  What have I gotten myself into?  I want to hit that switch and spread some light on the whole subject.  I'm just afraid my bulb is about to burn out.

Snow, Swimming & Broken Hearts

April Fool's Day and I just got back from sitting in a hot tub watching the blustery snow fall outside.  Nice April Fool's Day joke mother nature.  Real funny.  We were supposed to be leaving Faraway today but thanks to about a foot of snow that continues to fall, we get to spend an extra day (in the pool once again) with our Frontrunner - who I might add is our only candidate.  At this point after driving for three days, meeting her and spending constant time with her for the past 48 hours and the next 24 as well, if this does not go through and actually happen, I don't know if I could start the process again.  We are hooked.  She has melted our hearts and we wish we could take her home with us tomorrow.  We checked and, well, we can't.  This will be the hardest part.  Leaving her here.  We have to wait about three weeks till it is her turn to visit us in Suburbia.  Then we have to wait a good two months for her to be able to move down to live with us.  We think that it would be better for her to move down sooner.  She could finish out the year in the Suburbia Middle School and make some new friends before she gets lost in the shuffle of the monster beast that is Surburbia High.  We thought it might be easier than her waiting until her school lets out at the end of June, but her worker says the dreaded red tape can't happen any faster.  Frankly, I think it is mean to say "Here is your new family for three days.  Now say goodbye to them.  Its ok.  You'll see them again in a few months."  But that's how the child welfare system works in this country.  Fractured and broken.  There will be tears tomorrow.  I am sure of it.  She has already asked us to take her home with us when we go.  At the mention of our leaving, she gets quiet and withdrawn and depressed.  I know the people on her team are professionals who are supposed to have her best interest at heart.  I just hope someone listens to what she actually wants.  I hope her voice gets heard above all of the political din.

A New Twist on Technology

I don't know what your idea of happiness is but mine happened today.  Today, on facebook, I received a friend request from - drum roll please - our Front Runner!  I checked my facebook quickly before dinner and there it was.  A friend request of the greatest kind.  I was thrilled.  I was scared.  I was so very, very nervous.  Of course, I accepted right away.  But what to post on her wall?  What do you say?  You want the first words you say to your potential new daughter to be profound and meaningful.  So I went with "Hello".  I thanked her for the friend request and told her I couldn't wait to learn more about her and get to know each other.  I also told her to feel free to ask me anything.  Not very profound but heartfelt and, I hope, meaningful.  I'm still nervous.  What if she doesn't like us?  What if she turned us down but is just curious about us?  I am still a nervous wreck.  With each step we take in this adoption, I think "This is the hardest step" only to get to the next step and think "What was I thinking?  This is the hardest step."  I don't know if it will get any easier but I know that what we are doing is what we are supposed to be doing.  I don't know how I know, I just do.  With each step I hope to get less nervous and scared.  But with each step, I end up more nervous and scared.  I feel like I'm in junior high again wanting the popular kids to like me.  All I want is for her to like me, like us.  Once I know that maybe I will be less scared and nervous and all that will be overcome with just happiness.

What? Its not a baby?

We are adopting an older child, a 13 year old child to be exact, and what I want to know is - why is this an issue.  The main issue I have is that there is a total lack of support for this type of adoption.  Take announcements for example.  When you have a baby or even adopt a baby , there are numerous places where you can get birth or adoption announcements.  I was excited when I heard this thinking I would be able to get some for when we finalize our adoption.  Wrong.  I checked into numerous websites that advertised adoption announcements.  What they should have advertised was adoption announcements for children under the age of 5.  I'm not sure how my new daughter would feel about adoption announcements with duckies or booties or a stroller on them but that's what they've got.  I guess I'm on my own to figure out how to share our big news when the finalization date comes.  Even some friends and family are a little lacking in their enthusiasm.  I don't know if they are worried we will be getting "damaged merchandise" or what but it would be nice to feel the warm fuzzies I know I would feel if it were a baby we were having or adopting.  Another example would be the shower factor.  While I understand a baby comes with a need for many specialized things, teenagers don't exactly come with their own set of everything they need.  We will need sheets, blankets, etc. to provide a nice place for our new teen to live.  Everything we already have is basically in sets of three.  We will have to get more bath towels, more pillows, and even things the child may be lacking like more clothes.  Seeing as she will be coming from a different state, she will most likely need some climate appropriate clothes.  And I'm not just looking for someone else to foot the bill.  We have purchased a new bed and a new dresser and numerous other things already.  Just the idea of a party to introduce the new child to the family/community would be a welcome idea.  I don't know maybe I'm overthinking this but when you have a baby or adopt a baby there are a dozen people waiting to throw you a shower.  Nobody says a peep about throwing a shower for an older child.  Nobody is chomping at the bit to throw a welcome party.  We will be having a party but it will be us having the party.  But as usual, we will find a way.  We will find a way to make this family addition as celebratory as possible.  But we will most likely be doing it on our own.  Why am I surprised?  This just falls in line with so many other things in life for me.  I just have to take the bull by the horns and as Tim Gunn would say "make it work."

Success ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! And Now the Scary Part . . .

I am officially a mom-to-be again!  No, I'm not preggers so don't even ask.  Yesterday, we had The Big Meeting about our Front Runner.  It went wonderfully.  Everyone was in agreement that it sounds as if our family and Front Runner are a great match!  Woo hoo!  The search is finally over!  No more hunting for potential new daughters.  No submitting our homestudy just to be told no.  This is it!  We even finished the video we had to make of ourselves.  Imagine someone telling you to make a video of yourself and giving you basically no guidelines but you know that this will be the most important video you ever make in your life.  It was tough.  What do you say?  It turned out to be ok I guess.  It is reflective of who we are and hopefully it won't scare Front Runner away.  (fingers crossed)  Today after wrestling with our scrapbook to get it to fit into a box, I mailed off our personal information to be shown to Front Runner next week.  I have never been so nervous in my life!  What if she doesn't like us?  What if she doesn't want to come live with us?  What if she thinks we are just a family of big old goobers?  While I am happy that the homestudy-getting-rejected part of the process is over, I have now realized that the biggest most important rejection could possibly happen.  I am scared.  All she has to judge us by is a scrapbook and a twenty minute video.  How is she supposed to decide based on that?  But I guess we decided on her without ever meeting her.  We didn't see a video.  We didn't get a scrapbook.  Yet we know she is the right one for us.  Hopefully she will get that same feeling.  It's strange to think that I have two daughters.  One is just a couple of states and a technicality away.  Wow!

S.O.S.

So I have to clean my house.  Get rid of the clutter.  Well, at least most of the clutter.  See we have to make a video for front-runner to see when they tell her they have chosen us as a family for her.  (Please note the positive outlook.)  I have no idea what to put on this video.  Hubby and I went out and bought a new video camera.  Our old one still used tape.  So we went to Best Buy, which is an evil store, and an hour later we were the owners of a brand new digital video camera with optical zoom.  We left confused slightly as we usually do from Best Buy.  They are a good store but the sales people are amazing.  They can convince us to buy just about anything.  Not that its difficult.  I am a total shop-a-holic and Hubby is like a kid in a candy store when we go there.  But we always leave the store a couple hundred dollars poorer than when we entered and we're not sure how it happens.  But that's besides the point, the point here is we have the camera.  Now we just need to declutter the background and shoot the video.  I don't want to clean too much because I want to portray our home as it typically is.  Or more accurately as I would typically prefer it to be.  But even once we declutter, what are we supposed to put on this video.  I want to be truthful and informative but I don't want to scare her.  I want to make it funny but I don't want her to think we are total dorks.  I want her to like it and want to come and live with us except I have limited information about her and what she likes.  So I have nothing to relate things to.  Makes the process kind of difficult.  I try to come up with ideas of what to include and how to present it.  But I'm just not sure what to do.  So I am asking you.  Some of you know me.  Some of you even know hubby and our daughter.  If you know us well, what about us should we share and how should we share it?  If you don't know us well, what would you like to know about us?  What would you ask if you had the chance?  All I know is that I am at a loss and I need your help.  Pretty, pretty please.  If you comment, please do not use our real names.  I like our anonymity :) 
Thanks in advance my peeps!

My Ovaries, My Business

So it finally came up.  The dreaded question that I knew would be lurking in the back of everyone's mind when we decided to adopt: "Can they not have any more children?"  First of all, bad enough question.  Second of all, it came from my mother.  She was "only asking because someone else had asked her", but secondhand or not, its still an invasive question.  I guess I just see this as a personal area that nobody should have any right to ask.  I guess I figured my mother would understand that without me having to actually verbalize it.  I guessed wrong.  This is one stereotype that needs to be done away with.  Just because someone decides to adopt doesn't mean there must be something wrong.  For those who are infertile, adoption is a wonderful option, but just like not all infertile couples choose to adopt, not all adoptive couples are infertile.  Adoption is a choice.  Not a last resort.  I have been, as far as I know, perfectly able to have another baby.  I mean, heck, it only took like a month or two to conceive the first one after we got married.  (Yes, I do see most people do the math in their head when they hear how close to our wedding our daughter came into the picture.)  We could have had a whole brood had we chose to.  We could have been our very own family Von Trap.  But we chose not to.  We chose to focus our energy and attention on our one.  Once she was off bottles, we didn't want to go there again.  Once she was out of diapers, we didn't want to go there again.  Once she was out of daycare, we didn't want to go there again.  I could really go on and on.  The point here is we chose to have an only child and now we are choosing to add another child.  Now that our daughter is older and understands that parents can share their love and attention, we want to share that love and attention with someone who really needs it.  Do we want to start over again with an infant?  No.  Besides, there is part of me that would feel bringing another child into this world would be a selfish thing to do.  We have one that is a product of Hubby and me.  Why not use this opportunity to give to someone who doesn't have?  Why would I create another mini-me when there are children out there without parents?  Not saying that people with more than one boilogical child are making the wrong choice, I'm just saying it is a CHOICE.  A personal choice to say the least.  This is something you really have to feel called to do and we feel that calling.  We feel it is our responsibility to make the world a better place for someone who has known pain and anguish.  To bring love where there may have been none before.  It is not an easy thing to do - emotionally, spiritually, mentally and literally.  But it is a choice we have made.  A choice.  Not a last resort.  So if you know someone who is adopting, please, no matter how hard it is, no matter how curious you may be, don't ask if they can't have any children of their own.  Take care of your own business and not other people's.

Hold on to Your Cookies

Ladies and Gentlmen, welcome to our ride.  Please keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times.  Stay seated and do not remove your safety harness.  We are glad you are here and hope that you enjoy your ride on the Adoption Roller Coaster.

Yes, that's actually what it feels like.  I'm not kidding.  Yesterday, I was in total gloomsville after being turned down for one child after another.  Today, I am high as a kite.  Yesterday, late afternoon, I spoke to the social worker for our front-runner.  She was ecstatic to hear from me and was thrilled to hear that we are still interested.  We set up a date for a "Family Team Meeting" where us, our worker, her worker, her foster parents, and her therapist will all have a conference call about the front-runner.  Then we will review a presentation notebook that is basically everything you ever wanted to know about front-runner but were afraid to ask.  If we are still in it for the long haul after that one, then the social worker, the therapist, and foster parents sit front runner down and tell her they have a family for her.  I think she will be happy.  Once she finds out we are approximately 20 hours away in Suburbia maybe not so much.  But that is what her team is there for.  They are there to help her understand that this is a good thing.  If she is ok with everything, then we start visits and she will eventually move in with us.  So even though we could hit a snag somewhere along the way, it is looking very good for us.  So at the moment I am on cloud nine.  I am relishing this time in heaven for fear I come crashing back down to earth with another disappointment.  Up and down.  Up and down. Upside down and inside out.  With each phone call, we are whipped one direction and then another.  When you get off this ride, you are definitely ready to toss your cookies. 

Another One Bites the Dust . . . and . . . Another . . . and . . . Well . . . You Can See Where This is Going

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!  Now that the lovey-dovey stuff is out of the way, let's get on with this. 

After reading our front-runners background information on Wednesday, we are still interested in her.  I called her worker Thursday morning and afternoon leaving messages both times.

We had our meeting on Friday with another county's social services agency.  It went condially.  We went.  It was pointed out to us why we would not be a good match.  My faults were pointed out.  Just mine.  We requested more information about the girl.  We never got it.  We decided that she is not the girl for us and they are not the agency we want to work with.  Oh well, officially cross another one off of the list.  Meanwhile, we waited for a call back from front-runners worker.  I left two more messages that afternoon.

The weekend passed.  Our daughter had two winter guard competitions and personally did well.  As for the group, not so much.  Let's just say they have yet to crack the top three places.  We are holding out hope for their big trip next weekend out of state.  All weekend we tried to put it out of our minds because we knew there was no reason for us to even hope that she would call till Monday.

And so we arrive here at Monday.  I have called twice already and gotten her voicemail which says she will be out the 10th of February and will return calls the next day.  I didn't leave another message because I don't want to appear stalker-creepy.  I know they are busy but we are waiting.  That child is waiting.  So much hangs in the balance.  This morning there was a placement meeting for one of the other girls we had inquired about.  They determined they cannot place her with us because of her special needs and my anxiety and prescribed medication.  What is that supposed to mean?  Oh heck no, I don't feel discriminated against because of my "disability".  No worries.  I won't spend the afternoon trying to feel like its not my fault that we aren't being considered.  I wonder if Hubby was adopting on his own if he'd have a child by now?  Seriously.  Oh well, officially cross another one off the list.  So I wait.  Anxiously.  When I'm done posting this, I will send an email to our front-runner's worker.  Maybe we'll get through that way.  In the meantime I'll feel like crap because I am obviously a big part of the reason why they won't place a child with us. 

This process is excruciating.

Innards Peace

We got the background information on the girl we are most interested in today and there's nothing in there that would make me say no.  So many others had a "yeah but" or a "well" that made me . . . or rather us . . . hesitate.  It was exactly the opposite as I thought it would happen.  I thought I would see a picture and know in my gut.  Instead, I saw a picture and thought "she's cute" but there's got to be a catch.  Maybe I had just been let down too many times to allow myself to get in too deep.  I never got my hopes up.  I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  There had to be a hitch.  There had to be something that would make us say no.  But so far, there's not.  Its difficult, but I'm still trying not to fall in love with her.  I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong.  I haven't accepted the fact that there may be nothing wrong.  My gut is telling me to approach with caution.  But I need to remember that my gut is wrong a lot of the time.  I have to learn to listen to my gut . . . and then run in the other direction.  My gut is telling me to be on guard.  My gut is not telling me that this is positively the right one for us and that could very likely mean she IS the right one for us. Maybe I should get a gut transplant.  One that's a little more accurate.  Until then I just have to do the opposite of what it tells me.  If only my heart and my brain could talk to my gut and convince it there is nothing to be afraid of.  Why can't my organs communicate with one another?  If there was harmony amongst my insides then I feel I could experience peace in this life changing situation.

Ketchup

Gotcha!  The title was interesting so you thought "How can she possibly have an entire blog posting about ketchup?".  Wrong.  Today I've decided to do a little "ketchup" to update you on some things I have posted about in the past.  This should bring you up to speed:

-  We have found insurance for our vacant property through a different company.  We were contacted by our Nationwide agent after the holidays at which point he told us they had an underwriter who would gladly handle our needs.  We asked for a quote.  Four days later, he called again while we were out.  He left a message (at closing time on a Friday) but no quote and then wished us a Happy Holidays even though it was nearing mid-January.  This just confirmed for us that they don't care, they don't want our business, and they don't look at the calendar.  We never received a quote in the mail.  We did receive a phone call a few days AFTER our drop date.  They tried to sell us life insurance.  If you have Nationwide Insurance through our former agent, you have my pity.  (See "Insuring a Perfect Holiday")

-  We are headed this Friday to our interview at the other county's social services place.  I don't know if I really want to be doing this or not.  It feels like a commitment even though I know that we can still say no if we want.  Just not looking forward to going in there and defending myself from the attack that is sure to happen.  We have a few other leads we are following that we are more interested in and look more promising.  I will be sure to medicate before the interview. (See "Under the Microscope" and "Moving On, Hanging Out and Trying to Look Up")

-  I am sick of snow.  After a few more snow storms and an ice storm, I am ready for winter to be over.  Luckily, during the ice storm we did not lose our power but we did lose our cable which is enough to make you lose your mind.  After reading, stitching, scrapbooking, playing Wii, playing games and watching movies, we were out of ideas.  We tried to be thankful that we still had power but it was hard to feel good about our situation without the TV to show us people in even worse situations.  The news may be full of negativity but it sure makes you feel good about your own life.  (See "I'm Dreaming of a White Tuesday)

-  Not all children in foster care exclusively love horses.  Most love dolphins as well.  While the horses seem a constant staple, the dolphins appear to be growing in popularity.  I am all for this since I don't recall being allergic to dolphins.  Not that I've really had the chance to find out, but I've been to Sea World and didn't sneeze even once.  Anyway, I'm going to emphasize my family's love of dolphins in the hopes of distracting from the fact that I don't have a horse . . . or a trampoline.  (See "Wanted: Family - Must LOVE Horses")

 -  After much internal wrestling with the subject, I mellowed out a bit on "the song" from the show.  I had to do some coercing of Hubby to get him to accept going to the show, but eventually he did.  So we all went to see the show and heard "the song".  Some of the subject matter was a bit adult oriented.  I'm not sure our daughter got all of the jokes and if she did - I don't want to know.  The show was hilarious and we thoroughly enjoyed it.  Overall, it was a nice afternoon out - even with the erection.  (See "Sex Education: The Musical Version" and "Sex Education: The Musical Version - The Sequel")

So that's about all there is.  If I have forgotten to update you on something and you are interested in hearing more about it, just comment on this posting and I will try to catch you up even more.  Until next time, enjoy your ketchup.

Moving On, Hanging Out and Trying to Look Up

So over the last few days I've been trying to rebound from the catastrophe that was the match meeting.  I'm still not exactly sure what happened there, but they never called to schedule an interview.  I guess we are out of the running which is fine by us.  They really don't seem to want this little girl to get adopted for some reason.  I don't know why.  In the meantime, I have seen about five hundred commercials about adoption stating "you don't have to be a perfect parent" and that "kids in foster care need you".  Um . . . ok.  Then why do they make this process so hard?  But I need to put this behind me and focus on more positive things.  The problem being I can't really come up with many positive things that are happening right now.  I tried to come up with a cheerier topic for today, but just couldn't.  There is the possibility that we may rent our house soon but that has fallen through so many times in the past that I have learned not to get my hopes up.  Our daughter has her first winterguard competition coming up next weekend, but they are nowhere near finished with their routine.  So I may be paying $200 to watch her stand there for large portions of the show.  Today will be spent here in the house trying to find creative outlets to keep my attitude on the up.  I am trying to be optimistic about things but I'm just not sure how right now.  I'm trying not to let the depression creep in but it is so easy to let it consume you.  For those of you who have never experienced depression or had someone in your life with diagnosed depression, it can be very hard to understand.  Its not an easy subject to tackle but I will attempt to get my thoughts together on the topic and have an informative blog about it tomorrow.  I look forward to depressing you in the future.  Well, that came out wrong.  Hell, you know what I mean.