We Interrupt Your Day for this Not So Important Message

According to my husband, I have been neglecting my blog.  I have to admit that this is true.  I want to say there is good reason for this but there really is not.  Since my daughter left for college, I have been through a sort of depression.  It wasn't my normal depression.  I didn't sleep all day and spend my waking hours crying and staring at the television.  No.  This time it totally caught me off guard because it manifested itself differently.  I became obsessed with my online shop and could think of nor do much of anything else.  I made lots of jewelry and marketed a lot.  I even sold my first piece that didn't go to a friend or family member.  But the catch here is I closed out the entire world and secluded myself away.  I didn't care about much else.  I did the minimum to get by.  I missed my baby girl.  And now I am aware of that and trying my best to change that.  I am trying my best to figure out just how life is supposed to be now.  Things are changing.  Things HAVE changed.  And they just keep changing.  Things have happened that I'm not sure I want to talk about here in public.  I mean, don't get my wrong.  I love all my blog readers but there are things that have been happened that are not mine to divulge yet they affect me in a major way.  Because of that, I am not sure what to do.  Do I break confidence or risk betrayal just to include everything honestly in my writing or do I stick to what is happening to me directly and keep what is happening to those around me and who are important in my life the secret I am sure it should be?  I am trying to get back to normal.  I have been reading again as well as posting in my book review blog.  I have written a few letters.  I should call some people that I promised to call and do lunch with but I'm just not up to it yet.  I was going to volunteer but that didn't work out.  I tried to tell one place that I was interested in volunteering.  They gave me a pamphlet and told me to call a phone number.  What do you mean here's a pamphlet, call the number?  I'm standing right here in your facility.  So I kind of gave up on that.  I am feeling a little worthless right now.  Mostly because I am not bringing in any money.  For some reason that makes me feel worthless.  That and the rental house that we own but can't live in because of me is sitting empty and sucking our bank account dry.  Another thing that I feel is my fault.  My hubby says its nobody's fault but then why do I feel like crap about everything.  I am hoping to be able to figure out how to continue my blog while being depressed and maintaining confidentiality.  So please forgive me for neglecting you and I hope that you will hear from me again soon.

Sam's Club, Celtic Tradition and Malfunctioning Pants

Yesterday I went to the celtic festival in Downtown and it was pretty fun.  At first I didn't want to go, my mind being all "there will be a million people there all out to get you by judging you to death."  But I stifled that internal voice and went anyway - after taking some wonderful calming drugs.  With the drugs I was all "I like their knots so why not."  Then I laughed for about five minutes because of my punny use of the word knot/not and because of those wonderful drugs.  So anyway, we went and walked around and I purchased a nice pair of earrings that I won't be able to wear for like 6 months because I just got my ears repierced and I'm a rule follower.  We were about to leave when I spotted the chocolate dipped cheesecake on a stick booth.  I'm pretty sure a light shone down from heaven onto it while choirs of angels began to sing.  I indulged and now I know that the celtic people are out to make me fat.  I didn't enter the calories for it on my lose weight app.  In fact, I haven't entered anything since our mini-vacation to Hometown.  I also haven't ventured onto a scale since before that event.  There was way too much eating without thinking while we were on our mini-vaca so I abandoned my fat tracking for wanton eating.  Which is similar to wonton eating because both are delicious and not so good for your waistline.  But I think my waistline may be shrinking because my pants are loose and falling down.  I'm serious.  I feel like a teenage boy who thinks they are cool but not really because I believe in belts as opposed to showing the world my undies.  But I don't really believe that I am losing that much weight that my pants are loose and falling down.  I am convinced that this is a malfunction of said pants.  How pants go from fitting to magically malfunctioning is beyond me but mine are totally malfunctioning.  All of my pants.  How can I be expected to function like a normal person with malfunctioning pants.  I would go shopping for new pants but that would just be because I love shopping and find that it gives meaning to my life rather than actually buying new fitting pants that will no longer fit once I eat another chocolate dipped cheesecake on a stick and one fourth of a half gallon of ice cream.  It was called Skinny Minty and is supposed to be low calorie ice cream but I doubt that means you are supposed to eat it in bulk straight out of the carton.  I have also been consuming large amounts of Combos as of late.  That is not my fault either.  It is the fault of Sam's Club.  Actually, it is the fault of my dad for taking me to Sam's Club but that totally cannot be true because my daddy can do no wrong.  He's my daddy.  I am such a daddy's girl.  Sometimes I think my mom gets upset that I call myself a daddy's girl but that's just the way it is.  Maybe my daddy can take me to Sam's Club for some new pants.  Ooooo and then we could get that yummy ice cream on the way out!  Sounds like a plan :) 
P.S.  I am surprised they let me into the Sam's Club but I will save that for my next post.

"Meat" Me at the Steakhouse

I was once a vegetarian.  I was for many, many years.  I was the girl at the family reunion that was stuck eating sauerkraut on a bun because the hot dogs and the fried chicken grossed her out.  Even though now I am not a vegetarian, I think I am still quite sensitive to the subject.  See, I want to know what great interior designer thought "Hmmmm . . . steakhouse . . . let's put the animals they are serving up on the wall."  I know that some people . . . mostly hunters would be my guess . . . think that taxidermy is an acceptable form of art.  I'm not going to be the one to argue that.  Whatever you want to put in your home is your prerogative.  I'm the daughter of an avid hunter so  Iaccept that some people enjoy hunting.  I personally don't understand it.  I know there are arguements about keeping populations under control and I understand that but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  That said, I just don't get the appeal of having cows and such stare at you as you eat their distant cousins.  Kind of gross if you ask me.  And why is the poor cow the only one that seems to be acceptable.  There are never taxidermy specimins of pigs or chickens at these restaurants.  It's not like we hunt cows.  They meet (lol! I accidentally spelled that as "meat" at first) their end the same way the chickens and pigs do.  There is a place where we go to eat that has pictures of pigs and chickens on the shirts of the waiters and waitresses.  I still find that disgusting.  Its a tad more tolerable but not much.  When I eat meat, I prefer not to think about where it comes from.  I wish I could go vegetarian again but with all my food allergies and such, it would be so hard.  I don't need to become anemic again.  I don't want to feel like I'm offending the hostess when I don't eat at a party.  Its just too hard.  So in the meantime, I will avoid chicken and fish because they blatently state the name of the animal and that can be too tough for me.  I will ask to be seated away from the offended glare of the taxidermy cow at the steakhouse.  I will do my best to be animal friendly.  Except for beef.  And turkey on Thanksgiving.  Oooo and bacon.  Everything is better with bacon.

Hold: Placement Pending

Another Monday, another week.  I'm alone again.  At home.  Trying to find things to do that I want to do that will make my day feel productive.  Not an easy task considering I don't want to do most of the productive things around here - laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc.  I've already done two pages in the scrapbook that I am making for my daughter's graduation party but that's about it so far.  I got to sleep in because Suburbia High School is having their sophomore students report on time to take the Standardized State You-have-to-pass-this-before-you-graduate Tests.  The rest of the students including my senior are on a two hour delay.  So aside from waking up late and scrapbooking I haven't done a whole lot.  I did chat with the girl we were going to adopt.  She was at school and I probably shouldn't condone her lack of attention to her studies by chatting online with her but . . . oh well, she said they weren't doing anything anyway.  I have to admit that I do still go out on the "kid shopping" website and browse around even though we aren't "actively looking" for another child to adopt.  It is strange to see the girls' statuses change to "Hold: Placement Pending" just to be made into "Available" again at some point in the future because one thing or another didn't work out.  "Hold: Placement Pending" means one of two things - either their cases are being reviewed to see if there is any interest from any prospective parents or there are prospective parents who are going through the process of adopting that child.  At the moment, the girl we were going to adopt's status is "Hold: Placement Pending".  When I originally saw this, I was quite saddened in a selfish way.  She was supposed to be our daughter.  How could she be someone else's daughter?  But I have healthily come to terms with it.  It is best for her.  I only hope that if there is a family who is proceeding with adopting her they a) keep her in her home state where she can see her family on occasion, and b) still allow her to talk to me even though I was her almost mom.  But whatever they decide, having a family is what would be best for her.  I have no claim to her.  I have no right to feel saddened.  She is a family friend and that is the extent of it.  But my heart holds on still.  Why?  I don't know.  I don't know why I can't just walk away.  Why I have to keep this connection.  Why even though she never will be, she still feels like family.  I guess time heals all wounds and eventually the wound that whole experience left on my heart will heal but till then, I will worry about her and wonder if she is being taken care of, if she is happy, and if she really misses me too.

12 for 12

My thoughts have been rather scattered lately.  My ADD is in overdrive and with the holiday fast approaching, this is not a good thing.  So today I've decided I'd give you a taste of what goes on in my head.  In honor of 12/12, here are 12 things that have been on my mind.

12.  Why is my house so hot in the daytime?  I'm talking like Jamaica hot.  If we turn the heat down then we are too cold later in the day.  It could just be me but I'm too young to be getting hot flashes.

11.  How did we get so much Christmas stuff?  It seems like Hubby just keeps bringing more and more of it up from the basement.  I have no idea how we have accumulated so much . . . well . . . Christmas crap.  Its festive and I love it.  Its just that there isn't room in our tiny townhouse for it all.

10.  Why is it that every time some little bitty thing goes wrong at our house in the next town over that we are renting out . . . anyway, why do they call property management every time?  Instead of checking the fuses, they just call and say that the indoor garage opener isn't working.  Fine.  Check the fuse and if that's not it then DEAL.  You still have two garage door openers and the keypad on the garage.  Its a one car garage.  Do you really need that many ways to access it?  I swear when I agreed to give these very young boys a chance, I should have realized they were spoiled rotten.  If you asked me right now if I would renew their lease in 2012, the answer would be NO!

9.  I think we may be a mite-free home.  They seem to be gone.  Fingers crossed.  Knock on wood.

8.  I am getting very restless at my job.  I don't know why.  Its not hard.  Its just annoying.  I can't imagine having the commitment of a career and working full-time, but I feel like I want more.  I really should get into this writing a book thing that I keep thinking about.  What harm would it do?  Maybe after the holidays.

7.  My daughter is going to college.  My daughter is going to college.  My daughter is going to college.  Maybe if I say it enough times, I will be ok with it.  She has gotten into the College Down the Street.  She even made it into their honors program.  I know that she will get into others and I am not looking forward to having to help her make this decision.  Choices like which Christmas gift to buy are hard for her because of her OCD.  I can't begin to imagine the drama this decision is going to come with.

6.  Am I blogging just for my own mental health or does reading my blog actually keep people informed on my life and maybe even help them with their problems?  (If nothing else by showing them that we all have problems.)  This blog has quite a few followers but I haven't gotten a new one in quite some time and my other blog http://www.myliteraryopinions.blogspot.com/ only has 5 followers.  It gets more hits than that but only 5 followers is kind of a bummer.  I wonder if I should keep them going?

5.  What am I going to mail my Grandmother's Christmas gift to her in.  I have it wrapped and ready to go in a shirt box.  A typical shirt box.  I wanted to send it Priority Mail so I got one of their mailing boxes.  The one referred to as a shirt box.  The only problem is their shirtbox is about 3/4 of an inch shorter than my shirt box.  Come on people.  A shirt box should be a shirt box.  When will the world get its act together and have uniform standard sizes?

4.  What else can I get my daughter for Christmas?  I have some gifts and some ideas but need more.  If you come up with any, you can comment on this blog.  I just won't post your comment so she doesn't see it.  What would you want if you were a 17 1/2 year old girl?

3.  How come if according to the movie "Fred Claus" when Santa becomes a saint, he and his whole family stop aging and freeze at the age they are at but then in the movie "The Santa Clause 3" he and his wife have a baby how could that happen according to the rules of Santa from "Fred Claus"?  Hubby says they are just movies but I am thinking this is an important thing to kids and what would I say if a random child should ask me?  I think Hollywood should get it together on their Santa lore.

2.  Where am I gonna find the money in our budget to pay for our trip to Hometown between Christmas and New Year's?  I really shouldn't be worrying about this because Hubby took over the budgetting for the year so technically I am giving myself one more month off before I start doing it again but I can't help but worry.  The hotel is like $160 per night.  We are looking at two or three nights.  We don't have that kind of a chunk of change just sitting around.  Besides, if we did I would have already spent it on Christmas.

1.  Is my Grandma ok?  Last week she broke her leg and had to get a rod put in place of the bones between her knee and ankle.  Its times like this when its really hard to live 5 hours away.  I know that my being there wouldn't really do anything except maybe make her smile but I just wish I was.  Calling on the phone just isn't the same.  I miss my Gram.

There you go.  A roller coaster ride through my mind this Christmas season.  I will make my best effort to have my next posting be a more cohesive thought process.  I promise.

Personal Postal Purging ------------- (try saying that five times real fast)

I did it!  I did it!  I can't believe I did it!  I finally had the nerve to cut some people off of my Christmas card list!  After sending out 96 cards last year, I decided enough was enough.  I went through my list which was now well over 100 and axed a few non-recipricaters.  Chop! Chop!  I liked sending cards to them and thought they liked receiving them but when you don't hear back from people you just never know.  So I said ado to about ten people.  Yeah, that's right - a whole big ten people.  Chop!  Chop!  I'm ruthless.  What can I say?  Then, I realized I had lost my Christmas card address book.  This was a huge catastrophe in my house.  I looked everywhere and then I started to see the silver lining of this dilemma.  I couldn't find it so I started asking people for their addresses again.  Some responded and some didn't.  Most who didn't respond got the axe.  Chop!  Chop!  They may be great people who were at one point or another cherished friends but if they can't spring for the couple of quarters it takes to buy a stamp.  See ya!  Chop! Chop!  I did manage to find my address book the day after I mailed my cards.  And I have to admit that I did make out a few cards to a few people that I missed.  I even received a card from someone I didn't send one to.  I broke down and sent one to them too.  I was weak and the guilt got to me.  I admit it.  But my number is still below 100 and as Santa is my witness, I will never let my Christmas card list go over 100 cards again. 

This is the Story of a Girl who Cried a River and Drowned the Whole World

Today was one of the hardest days of my entire life.  See Monday, the social worker in Far Away was supposed to tell Frontrunner that we would not be adopting her.  Wednesday she still didn't know.  Thursday she still didn't know.  Today when she was chatting with me on the computer, she still didn't know.  I felt like I was lying by omission.  It sucked.  I had not idea when the social worker was actually going to tell her and I thought it cruel not to so I told her.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.  I spent the entire time blubbering and sobbing.  Our decision was multi-faceted but the main reason were her family ties.  Her family ties were from our point of view much stronger than we were led to believe.  Not that we wouldn’t allow a child to have any family bonds, its just that we didn’t feel right moving her over a thousand miles away from those family ties.  We don’t feel that the adjustment to a new community and school that is tremendously larger than the community and school she currently is a part of was going to go smoothly at all.  She would miss out on the personal attention that she receives in that environment.  She also had a ton of freedom and control in her current situation.  Freedom and control she would have lost by coming to live with us and our rules.  It would have felt like a prison.  It was a heart-wrenching decision but we felt it was in her best interest.  I reassured her that we love her and we really do.  I will always love her.  I am just afraid that she hates me.  Hates us.  I still want to be there for her as a support in her life but fear she will shut us out completely.  I am grieving this loss and have no interest in looking for another child to adopt.  I feel like a mean, heartless monster.  I just hope some day she can forgive me.  Great, I’m crying again.

A New Chapter

My books are going to hate me.  See after running out of space for all of them, I have decided that I should get a Barnes & Noble Nook Color.  Yeah, that's right.  I'm giving in.  Selling out.  Cheating on my paper and ink friends.  I wasn't sure at first and am still not 100% sure (but I rarely am about anything).  Anyway, I looked around my bedroom the other day and thought "Wow, I'd have a lot more space if it weren't for all these books."  Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my books.  Perhaps a little too much.  See once I read a book, I have immense trouble letting it go.  Could be my OCD, I don't know.  I feel a bond with the people and the places and the story.  I hate giving them up.  In the past I have forced myself to part with books I didn't really enjoy and was ok with that.  But there are also books I really did enjoy that once sold to Half-price Books or donated to a charity, I wish I had kept.  I wanted them back.  But in order to reclaim my living space, I had to give them up.  With the Nook Color, I can have 8,000 books in my library and still have space on my shelves.  I will also have mobile internet access in hot spots, tons of apps and even the ability to view pictures and videos.  Its almost like a smaller, much cheaper IPad.  I can get e-books from the library and even share my books with others who have a Nook.  My books are even backed up on the Barnes & Noble server so if something happens to my Nook, I just get a new one and poof! access to all of my old books is like magic.  And no breaking my purse or juggling my belongings trying to lug around a thick hardcover copy of the latest novel.  I'm really having trouble seeing the downside of this choice.  In my quest to decide which e-reader to get, I asked friends and family and was met with a resounding - just use good old-fashioned books.  They have not seem my bedroom.  I understand their fondness for the tactile words but sometimes things change and you've just got to roll with it.  My love of books, bookstores, libraries, bookmarks and anything and everything to do with books is unfailing, but I feel the need to take this huge technological step.  Goodbye my dear tangible literary companions.  Hello night-reader-easy-on-the-eyes-setting while reading in bed without having to struggle holding a book open and rolling from side to side to see the proper page.    Happy Birthday/Mother's Day to me!

My Family Went on Vacation and All I Got Was This Lousy Blog

I've decided to sum up our recent trip to Faraway with a helpful Top Ten Traveling Tips
10.  A foot of snow can stop a 7 day a week Chinese buffet from opening, but it won't stop Chinese delivery.
9.  When in doubt, bribe your child with the promise of a trip to Canada.
8.  Child services agencies in the US are even more screwed up than I thought they were.
7.  It is not possible to have everyone be comfortable in a rental car.
6.  Indian reservations look just like everywhere else, except for the giant fiberglass 50 foot tall Native American statues
5.  Connecticut = $$$Cha-Ching$$$
4.  It is impossible to have a nice, calm, relaxing meal at a Denny's.
3.  Forget about deer.  Try not hitting a moose.
2.  Just because its called the China Dine-ah doesn't mean it has Chinese food.
1.  The magnet is right.  What happens in Maine stays in Maine but really nothing ever happens in Maine.

Fit . . . Fat . . . What's One Little Vowel?

I hate to use the word hate so I will start off by saying I have a strong dislike for my birthday gift from last year.  I requested (well, more like begged for it) and received a Wii Fit plus to go with our Wii.  This was going to make me healthy.  This was going to get me active.  This has done nothing but lower my self-esteem.  I no longer refer to it as the Wii Fit.  I call it the Wii Fat because that's what it calls me every time I get on it.  It does some measurements and calculations and basically tells me I'm obese.  What do I mean basically, I mean literally.  The machine makes my little avatar plump up and says "You're obese".  Oh yeah, this sounds like fun.  I wanna go first - not.  There is nothing about this activity that makes me want to participate.  I'm just waiting for the day that I step on and it tells me to please step back off because I'm too heavy.  There is nothing motivating about a computer humiliating you repeatedly.  Its upsetting.  So what's a girl to do.  My big plan of choreographing an exercise routine has fallen through.  I tried a website called FitDay where you enter what you've eaten and your activity to help you burn more calories than you input.  That lasted all of three days.  I have a lot to do in my life and it just so happens that most of it has to be done sitting down.  I can't finish stitching the blanket for my brother's baby while jogging.  I can't write a letter while jumping rope.  The problem here is, and I'm sure many of you can relate to this, I just can't find the time to exercise.  I guess I have to schedule it in and commit to doing it.  I am a stubborn, competitive girl.  I can do this.  (I think I already made this promise in a previous post.)  I can prove the Wii Fat wrong.  I think I'll start . . . maybe tomorrow.  Yeah, I'll start tomorrow . . . or the next day at the latest but definitely at the latest.  :)

Guilt Blogging

Ok.  Today's blog is out of guilt.  I haven't blogged in a few days and I'm feeling guilty about it.  But when I stopped and thought about it, I really didn't have anything creative, pertinent, or even witty to say.  Its been a pretty normal past few days.  I had my Christmas party at work.  It was fun.  My boss, who is the only other person in the office, worked through half . . . well . . . most of the party.  So I sat and read a lot.  I've heard from some of the caseworkers but nothing more than "Please send us a copy of your homestudy".  I have to wait until next Monday to submit any more names to my case worker.  I didn't go to work today because I have a sinus headache that could bring down a bear.  I've been thinking a lot about my purpose in life again, but still haven't come up with any lightbulb moments.  I've been up to . . . well . . . not much.  I'm not quite sure why I'm telling y'all this but I am just blogging out of guilt.  Guilt.  There's one thing I'm good at.  I'm Catholic.  It's something we're taught from a very young age.  It is an amazing thing.  Not only do we know how to experience it, but we know how to inflict it as well.  We're masters at the art.  We use it to get what we want and then feel guilty for using it.  It amazes me how participants of other religions don't get the full experience of guilt that Catholics do.  My husband is perfectly capable of having no guilt.  I don't know how he does it.  He also has the ability to not place blame.  Something I have had to work hard to not do.  I think guilt and blame go hand in hand.  My family loved playing the blame game and for some reason, I always seemed to be get the brunt of it.  But I won't bother you with that right now.  I'm just babbling.  Today's blog is just not up to par and, Lord help me,  I feel guilty.