Shameless Self Promotion

After a disrupted adoption, we are in the process of attempting to adopt again.  If you would like to follow our trials and tribulations as we make our way through this process a second time, please see my other blog "The Butterfly Keepers" at www.wordpress.com/thebutterflykeepers.  Thank you and I hope to see you there!

And Then, There Were Two

I did it.  I drove my daughter to University and left her there.  omg!  I can't believe that I actually did this.  I am a bit numb at this point.  I have to admit that I cried but I was lucky enough to be able to hold that in until we got to the car.  I wanted to turn around and go back the entire way home.  But I didn't.  I did it.  She texted numerous times while we were returning to Suburbia saying how she missed us and I just couldn't express with words just how much I missed her too.  I had to be strong.  I didn't want to be.  I wanted to say "Do you want mommy to come back and get you?"  But I didn't.  I assured her that she will do well, she will succeed and she will be okay.  It feels like someone has ripped my heart out and tossed it aside.  I am spent.  I didn't sleep at all last night and with good reason.  I didn't want to sleep.  I just wanted to sit and watch my baby sleep.  Creepy, yes.  Sappy, yes.  Did I do it, no.  But I wanted to.  We spent the day with her - setting up her room, picking up her books, getting her post box set up, but when it came time to leave - we left.  There were parents who didn't.  There were parents who lingered and stayed simply because the college can't kick them out.  But we did what was right.  We left.  It was what we were supposed to do as parents.  We weren't supposed to hang out and make it harder on her.  We weren't supposed to stay and get in the way.  We weren't supposed to make other students sad that their parents had left and jealous that we had stayed as some did.  We left.  And now we are here.  Here at home.  And it just isn't the same.  It will never be the same again.  She will always be my baby girl but now she is an adult.  I am the parent of an adult child.  Wow.  So that leads me to - me.  Now what?  It will be hard tomorrow when Hubby returns to work and I am here all alone.  No kid to drive to work or pick up from work.  No child centered errands to run.  No evening of hearing about the perils of the daycare toddler-keeper.  It will be hard when I come across things - a book left here, a water bottle left there - all reminding me that she's no longer here.  I will probably cry more.  But then I will smile because I know that she is doing what needs to be done.  She is going for her goal.  She is making me proud.

On My Own, Pretending You're Beside Me

So, its two weeks until The Kid moves into her new dorm and her new life at University.  I know that this is about her, but I also need to be concious that it is about me too.  Yes, it is a big change in her life but it is a big change in mine also.  We have been best buds, partners in crime, twinsies for the last 18 years.  All of that is gonna change in two weeks.  I know that I have to let her go.  I will let her go.  It will pain me and sadden me but I will let her go.  The moving her in and the leaving her there will be hard but I can numb myself through that process.  What will be hard is the coming home.  There will be no more kid in the house.  It'll just be me and Hubby.  That is a strange concept.  See, Hubby and I started dating and were married within a year.  About a month before our first anniversary, The Kid came along.  We barely had time to ever be a couple.  What if we don't function well that way?  What if The Kid is the glue that holds us together?  What if everything begins to unravel?  What am I going to do with myself now that I'm no longer at 24/7 active presence mom?  The last time I went through a major life change if you don't count quitting two jobs was when we bought the house.  We all remember what happened when we bought the house.  I had a nervous breakdown.  I ended up in the psych. ward at the hospital.  I don't want that to happen again.  I especially don't want it to happen this time as The Kid will think it is her fault when its not.  Its just me.  I can't deal with major change that easily.  It has already started happening.  I've noticed I am crankier.  I've noticed that I'm not sleeping as well.  I've noticed that I am taking more and more of my tranquilizing meds.  This is not good.  My therapist seems to think that I am doing well and that I am handling things in my life very well.  I put on a good show don't I?  She doesn't know the true me.  I find myself telling her what I think she wants to hear when I am there.  We never really talk about problems.  We talk about what is going on in my life and I emphasize the good and don't bring up the bad.  I don't tell her that I've taken to gagging a lot due to the stress.  Almost throwing up seems to be my body's way of dealing with this impending doom.  See just the fact that I referred to it as impending doom just goes to show how I am viewing this whole thing.  So if there are any empty-nesters out there who have gone through this and are willing to share some advice, I am open to listening.  And for the record, my therapist has already told me the I may want to get another job or start volunteering once The Kid leaves but I just don't feel like that is going to fill the void her leaving will cause.  It would be like taking an empty can of coke and filling it with water.  You've filled it.  Its full.  Its just not right though.  The water just doesn't fit in the place of the coke.  I know it has to happen.  I know I will live through it.  I just don't know how.

Teleportation - Oh, How I Long for Thee

Yay!  We are getting visitors!  My cousin and his wife are coming out near Suburbia for a concert and he contacted me to ask if we wanted to have breakfast on Monday.  Of course we want to have breakfast on Monday.  We love having people come out here to visit us especially from Hometown.  See, in case you haven't been along for the whole big blog ride, Suburbia and Hometown are about five to five and a half hours apart.  Apparently this is a vast travel nightmare to most people.  My parents come out about once a year and Hubby's parents come out a few times a year but that's about it (with the exception on major life events like a graduation or something).  Meanwhile we are expected to visit Hometown four or five times a year.  I understand that we do not have a spare room for people to stay in if they come but when we come to Hometown we don't have anywhere to stay either.  Due to allergies, we have to stay in a hotel which adds up quickly.  All I know is that the road isn't any shorter coming from Suburbia to Hometown than it is from Hometown to Suburbia.  But Monday morning we will visit with family on our own turf and it feels awesome!  I'm proud of where I live.  I want my family and friends to see it.  The area has a lot to offer with museums, amusement parks, concerts and other performances, etc.  It'll be interesting to see what will happen this Thanksgiving.  See my daughter will be two to three hours away at University and we will have to drive out there and back Tuesday or Wednesday before Thanksgiving on Thursday.  She has to be back the following Monday.  The dilemma lies in that University and Hometown are in opposite directions from Suburbia.  The Kid has a late class on Tuesday evening so we most likely won't be able to pick her up until Wednesday which would leave us driving somewhere around ten hours on Wednesday to get to University and then Hometown.  There also would be no time for The Kid to spend even a moment at home in Suburbia.  Call me selfish but that is just too much to ask of me.  We are going to have to stay home this Thanksgiving which is not going to go over well with anyone back in Hometown.  Maybe I should have Thanksgiving out here in Suburbia.  I could invite my parents and my brother and his family but I doubt they would come.  Where would I put everyone anyway.  So it looks like it will be a Thanksgiving for three here at Casa de Us.  We have done it before.  Once when I had my gallbladder removed and once when we had the copper pipes stolen from the house we own/rent out.  We'll live.  I just need some ideas of new traditions we can start to do with just us.  I'll make it work.  I always do.  If not, I wouldn't be a mom.

Seriously? Are You Kidding Me?

Sorry its been a bit since I blogged.  I had some ideas for various blogs and maybe I'll revisit those in the future but what got me off my lazy ass and typing today is that my frustration level is through the roof.  If you've been following along over the last year and a half or so, my family almost adopted a young lady from a state that's Far Away.  We didn't go through with it because she had family in Far Away that claimed they wanted to adopt her.  Even if they didn't formally adopt her, we didn't feel it was right to move her to Suburbia.  (Please see previous posts for the whole heart-wrenching story.)  Well, today I found out that said family members with whom she was living have declared that they no longer want her and she has been moved to yet another foster home.  WHAT???  I can't believe we called off our adoption to keep the girl close to family that pulls this kind of crap.  You can't just change your mind like its a sweater you bought at the mall and want to return.  This is a child we are talking about here!  She is a HUMAN BEING with feelings and emotions and . . ugh!!!!!  I have spent the morning texting with her and I just don't know what I can do to help.  I thought Far Away Child Services sucked before, now they officially super suck in my book.  How could this all happen to someone who has already been through so much in life?  Where is the fairness in that?  It seems that in dealing out crappy situations that God could spread the wealth around a little bit.  So now she sits in yet another foster home and I sit here and feel helpless.  It honestly makes me want to call the Suburbia Child Services and see if the adoption attempt can be reinstated.  I don't even know if that's possible but hell, I could do a better job helping her than any of the people in Far Away could.  Maybe getting as far away from Far Away as she can would be a good thing for her.  I hate feeling helpless.  Today is the first day of my "I'm-not-employed-any-more" celebration.  If I hadn't quit, I would be at work right now but instead of enjoying it, I am in a state of mental distress over this whole thing.  I love this little girl.  Even though we didn't officially adopt her, I still consider her family.  It hurts me that another member of my "family" is hurting.  I worry about her and what she may do if she gets too depressed.  She has been through a lot in her young life - more than most of us will go through in an entire lifetime and right now I just want to scoop her up and bring her here and show her what a semi-normal, loving family is like.  Guess I'll spend the next few hours just being frustrated and depressed until hubby gets home so we can talk about this whole situation.  Fun day.  Things like whether or not to quit my job and weight loss seem so insignificant when you get the sudden view of the big picture of life as I have gotten today.   Here's hoping I can come up with a solution.

Hold: Placement Pending

Another Monday, another week.  I'm alone again.  At home.  Trying to find things to do that I want to do that will make my day feel productive.  Not an easy task considering I don't want to do most of the productive things around here - laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc.  I've already done two pages in the scrapbook that I am making for my daughter's graduation party but that's about it so far.  I got to sleep in because Suburbia High School is having their sophomore students report on time to take the Standardized State You-have-to-pass-this-before-you-graduate Tests.  The rest of the students including my senior are on a two hour delay.  So aside from waking up late and scrapbooking I haven't done a whole lot.  I did chat with the girl we were going to adopt.  She was at school and I probably shouldn't condone her lack of attention to her studies by chatting online with her but . . . oh well, she said they weren't doing anything anyway.  I have to admit that I do still go out on the "kid shopping" website and browse around even though we aren't "actively looking" for another child to adopt.  It is strange to see the girls' statuses change to "Hold: Placement Pending" just to be made into "Available" again at some point in the future because one thing or another didn't work out.  "Hold: Placement Pending" means one of two things - either their cases are being reviewed to see if there is any interest from any prospective parents or there are prospective parents who are going through the process of adopting that child.  At the moment, the girl we were going to adopt's status is "Hold: Placement Pending".  When I originally saw this, I was quite saddened in a selfish way.  She was supposed to be our daughter.  How could she be someone else's daughter?  But I have healthily come to terms with it.  It is best for her.  I only hope that if there is a family who is proceeding with adopting her they a) keep her in her home state where she can see her family on occasion, and b) still allow her to talk to me even though I was her almost mom.  But whatever they decide, having a family is what would be best for her.  I have no claim to her.  I have no right to feel saddened.  She is a family friend and that is the extent of it.  But my heart holds on still.  Why?  I don't know.  I don't know why I can't just walk away.  Why I have to keep this connection.  Why even though she never will be, she still feels like family.  I guess time heals all wounds and eventually the wound that whole experience left on my heart will heal but till then, I will worry about her and wonder if she is being taken care of, if she is happy, and if she really misses me too.

12 for 12

My thoughts have been rather scattered lately.  My ADD is in overdrive and with the holiday fast approaching, this is not a good thing.  So today I've decided I'd give you a taste of what goes on in my head.  In honor of 12/12, here are 12 things that have been on my mind.

12.  Why is my house so hot in the daytime?  I'm talking like Jamaica hot.  If we turn the heat down then we are too cold later in the day.  It could just be me but I'm too young to be getting hot flashes.

11.  How did we get so much Christmas stuff?  It seems like Hubby just keeps bringing more and more of it up from the basement.  I have no idea how we have accumulated so much . . . well . . . Christmas crap.  Its festive and I love it.  Its just that there isn't room in our tiny townhouse for it all.

10.  Why is it that every time some little bitty thing goes wrong at our house in the next town over that we are renting out . . . anyway, why do they call property management every time?  Instead of checking the fuses, they just call and say that the indoor garage opener isn't working.  Fine.  Check the fuse and if that's not it then DEAL.  You still have two garage door openers and the keypad on the garage.  Its a one car garage.  Do you really need that many ways to access it?  I swear when I agreed to give these very young boys a chance, I should have realized they were spoiled rotten.  If you asked me right now if I would renew their lease in 2012, the answer would be NO!

9.  I think we may be a mite-free home.  They seem to be gone.  Fingers crossed.  Knock on wood.

8.  I am getting very restless at my job.  I don't know why.  Its not hard.  Its just annoying.  I can't imagine having the commitment of a career and working full-time, but I feel like I want more.  I really should get into this writing a book thing that I keep thinking about.  What harm would it do?  Maybe after the holidays.

7.  My daughter is going to college.  My daughter is going to college.  My daughter is going to college.  Maybe if I say it enough times, I will be ok with it.  She has gotten into the College Down the Street.  She even made it into their honors program.  I know that she will get into others and I am not looking forward to having to help her make this decision.  Choices like which Christmas gift to buy are hard for her because of her OCD.  I can't begin to imagine the drama this decision is going to come with.

6.  Am I blogging just for my own mental health or does reading my blog actually keep people informed on my life and maybe even help them with their problems?  (If nothing else by showing them that we all have problems.)  This blog has quite a few followers but I haven't gotten a new one in quite some time and my other blog http://www.myliteraryopinions.blogspot.com/ only has 5 followers.  It gets more hits than that but only 5 followers is kind of a bummer.  I wonder if I should keep them going?

5.  What am I going to mail my Grandmother's Christmas gift to her in.  I have it wrapped and ready to go in a shirt box.  A typical shirt box.  I wanted to send it Priority Mail so I got one of their mailing boxes.  The one referred to as a shirt box.  The only problem is their shirtbox is about 3/4 of an inch shorter than my shirt box.  Come on people.  A shirt box should be a shirt box.  When will the world get its act together and have uniform standard sizes?

4.  What else can I get my daughter for Christmas?  I have some gifts and some ideas but need more.  If you come up with any, you can comment on this blog.  I just won't post your comment so she doesn't see it.  What would you want if you were a 17 1/2 year old girl?

3.  How come if according to the movie "Fred Claus" when Santa becomes a saint, he and his whole family stop aging and freeze at the age they are at but then in the movie "The Santa Clause 3" he and his wife have a baby how could that happen according to the rules of Santa from "Fred Claus"?  Hubby says they are just movies but I am thinking this is an important thing to kids and what would I say if a random child should ask me?  I think Hollywood should get it together on their Santa lore.

2.  Where am I gonna find the money in our budget to pay for our trip to Hometown between Christmas and New Year's?  I really shouldn't be worrying about this because Hubby took over the budgetting for the year so technically I am giving myself one more month off before I start doing it again but I can't help but worry.  The hotel is like $160 per night.  We are looking at two or three nights.  We don't have that kind of a chunk of change just sitting around.  Besides, if we did I would have already spent it on Christmas.

1.  Is my Grandma ok?  Last week she broke her leg and had to get a rod put in place of the bones between her knee and ankle.  Its times like this when its really hard to live 5 hours away.  I know that my being there wouldn't really do anything except maybe make her smile but I just wish I was.  Calling on the phone just isn't the same.  I miss my Gram.

There you go.  A roller coaster ride through my mind this Christmas season.  I will make my best effort to have my next posting be a more cohesive thought process.  I promise.

Pssst . . . Santa . . . It's Room 104

The saying goes "you can't go home again" and I've decided that is true for me and my family.  We will be going to Hometown for Thanksgiving and between Christmas and New Year if weather permits but we will not be going for Christmas proper.  We will be spending Christmas Eve and Day here in our own humble abode.  After chatting at length with Uncle Fantastic, I came to realize that the experience I wanted my daughter to have didn't really exist anymore.  There was no sitting around the table on Christmas Eve.  It is now done buffet style.  Not that that's a huge change but it made me realize that what I experienced as a child was my childhood, not my daughter's.  Her childhood and holiday traditions involved myself and her dad.  Just our little family of three.  We have our own Christmas Eve party where we gorge ourselves on junk food and play games and/or do activities.  (Last year it was a Wii tournament.  This year's activities are craft-centered.  Just what Hubby was hoping for!  Yeah, right!)  We have done this for years.  Why should I deny her the Christmas traditions she knows just to try to relive my past.  I don't know if they even break the small sheets of blessed wafers at my grandparents house anymore and well, she's too old to crawl under the table when she's finished and tickle everybody's feet.  Besides, the dog does that now anyway.  She needs to stay rooted in her norm - our traditions.  Next year, she may be off to college and coming home for Christmas and that home will be here in Suburbia, not back in Hometown.  This IS her Hometown whether I want to accept that or not.  She grew up here.  This is what she knows.  So while I will be sad for a moment missing another Christmas Eve with my family, I will embrace the fact that I will be having Christmas Eve with My Family.  Besides, how does Santa know what hotel room number you're in anyway?  Not a risk I want to take.   :)

Oh, There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays

I am in a bit of a spot here.  It involves me, hometown, family and Christmas.  See my family has some big traditions when it comes to Christmas.  From what they eat on which days to who sits where to pass out presents.  My dilemma is I would really like my daughter to get to experience these traditions.  We have never gone to hometown for actual Christmas Day proper.  We always go sometime between Christmas and New Year.  We have always used the "Santa excuse" for not coming on said day.  But I want my daughter who is now 17 to have the opportunity to experience, just once, the kind of Christmas I grew up with.  I know I can't duplicate my childhood for her but giving her a taste of what I endured . . . I mean participated in would mean a lot to me.  Not to mention my mother.  It would totally make her dreams come true to see us on December 24th and 25th.  She may get so excited she may just explode.  I don't want my mother to explode.  What kind of daughter would I be if I wanted that?  Anyway, I also have another concern.  See, my family doesn't like change.  Any kind of change at all.  If we go back for Christmas Eve/Day, this is going to throw them for a loop.  We don't have assigned seats at the table.  We don't have assigned seats in the basement for present distribution.  We just don't belong there.  I can't help feeling this way but it has been held without us for the past 16 years.  Throwing us into the mix is just asking for trouble.  A huge monkey wrench in the holiday plans.  I'm positive if I asked my Grandma she'd be thrilled to have us.  Do doubt in my mind.  My trouble is do I want to do this or not.  I don't want the drama that comes along with a large family gathering even if it is Christmas.  I think maybe I've been away too long.  Maybe I'm just remembering all the good things about Christmas and blocking out all the bad stuff and THAT is what I want my daughter to experience.  A Christmas where nobody is bitter or upset or downright angry.  Just a nice fairytale Christmas where we all sit around singing carols and drinking cocoa.  Yeah, that's not what I'm gonna get.  I guess I just have to make a decision and go with it.  The song says "there's no place like home for the holidays" but I don't know.  I am open to any advice anyone would like to share.  Let the friendly guidance commence . . . now.

Crouching Tiger, Smiling Fish

Well, I survived another business trip.  Yes, Hubby went away again last week and left me alone with the virally infectious one known as our kid.  I thought between school and color guard rehearsal, I would be facing three days of solitary confinement.  Instead, I had a buddy all the whole time.  She planted herself on the couch and I planted myself in the chair next to it and we sat.  I only went out to get take away food.  It was kind of nice but by the time that Hubby got back I was itching to go somewhere and dying to shop.  So today we went to the Pandora store so I could get my latest addition to my my-husband-goes-away-on-business-and-I-have-to-run-the-show-alone bracelet.  I went with a list of ten possibilities and walked away with number ten on my list.  I always do that.  I think I'm going to get a certain bead and then when I get there those notions go completely out the window and I choose something off the wall that I wasn't really even considering.  Today I walked away happy with "The Happy Fish".  In an effort to get The Kid out of the house for more than ten minutes, we also went to the store to find a top to go with a skirt that I was saving to wear to a friend's wedding next month.  After searching the entire store, I was taking something over to the window to look at it against the skirt in the natural light when I noticed - the skirt had snags on it!  Just my luck!  So I had to scrap that idea and just buy a whole new outfit instead.  Poor me.  I love the outfit I got.  I wish I could wear it tomorrow but they might think I'm a little overdressed for a college admissions visit.  Yes, another Monday, another college.  That's the way we roll in this house these days.  Got to get them all in before Hubby takes his next business trip.  You know.  The trip of which we do not speak.  The trip to Hawaii.  Maybe The Kid can stay healthy for the next trip.  My luck I'll be the one to get sick.  Or maybe it'll be Hubby and he won't be able to go to Hawaii.  Wouldn't that be a shame.  <evil grin>  I guess I shouldn't complain or wish bad things on anyone.  I should just smile and be a Happy Fish.

The Guessing Game

Today I am waiting for my parents to get here.  Yes, I know!  They are actually coming out here to Suburbia!  They usually make their annual trip around this time of year - for my daughter's birthday.  I shouldn't whine or complain but it is hard that they only come out here once a year - twice if we're really lucky.  I know its a tough trip for them but it still makes me sad.  Its difficult when my mom wanders around my house saying "Oh, look at that" and "I don't remember you having this".  I just want to say you don't remember it because you haven't been here in a year.  But I bite my tongue and smile.  It takes them about six hours or so to get here from Hometown.  I asked my mom to call me when they got into our state thinking she'd call when they crossed over the border.  She did call.  She said they were in our state but she didn't seem to know where or how long ago they entered the state.  There are approximately five hours of their trip within our state.  So I have no idea what time they will get here.  She said they would call again when they got closer.  Problem there is I don't know if closer to her means the state capitol which is an hour away or the mall up the street which is five minutes away.  My daughter wants to go to dinner and then play Wii with them.  She has a cold.  They really seem to want to take her somewhere to do something but they want her to choose and she just wants to stay home.  So it should be an interesting weekend.  Meanwhile, we sit and wait.  Till when, who knows?  Is my house clean enough?  Who knows?  What will we end up doing?  Who knows?  How long are they staying tomorrow?  Who knows?  I am a planner.  I like to have somewhat of a plan.  But that's how I plan when they are coming.  I just plan not to know anything.

I'm Mister Green Christmas. I'm Mister Sun. I'm Mister Heat Blister. I'm Mister Hundred and One.

Man is it hot outside!  I don't know about where you live but here it is pretty sweltering.  On the news they keep talking about record breaking heat and when we will get a break but then I blink and miss the one day where it is around 90 degrees and BAM! we're back up around 95!  Then today, my car a/c runs out of juice.  Great!  Hubby's car is already out of juice with a price tag of $1000 to fix.  That means that the score of cars without a/c to cars with a/c in our house in a big fat 2 to 0!  I shouldn't complain though because we do have an air conditioned house to hide out in.  I remember back when I was a child.  (Here is where I morph into an old person once again.)  Back in my day, we didn't have air conditioning in our house.  Not central air.  Not even a window unit.  And my parents had a strict policy of your windows only being open for an inch or so at the top while you slept.  Confusing because we slept on the second floor.  Oh and did I mention that they didn't allow us to sleep with fans on.  I do vaguely remember some sort of window fan thing but I don't recall it being on all night.  We would fall asleep every night listening to the trains across the street and wonder if we would drown in pools of our own sweat.  I remember one night as I slept the candlesticks I had in my room melted and bent completely over.  Can you believe that?  Its true.  I sweat . . . I mean swear.  Anyway, Hubby is back in from trying to fix my car's a/c and well, no such luck.  Which is why everyone should have a good doctor, lawyer, contractor AND mechanic in their nearby family and friends.  Or you could just have my dad.  He can fix anything.  It just happens to come out a shade of light blue in the end.  See, my parents painted their bedroom when we were little and apparently had some left over paint because everything that my dad fixed after that turned out blue.  Even the playhouse he made for us was light blue inside and out.  I guess I could drive my car the 5 hours to have my dad fix it.  It is already blue.

Reality: The Great Wake-up Call

The other day my Grandma fell and broke three ribs.  A horrible thing for anyone but especially horrible to a lady in her eighties.  She is quite bruised up from what I understand.  But she is one stubborn Polish chick.  She fell at about 3 am and didn't tell anyone until 10 am.  Seven whole hours she sat there in pain!  Now I know where I get my stubborn streak from.  But this latest fall got me to thinking about just how fragile life is and with that thought came the wonderful "cloud of depression" settling over me.  I kind of think this time it is descending over the entire family.  We have watched as a family as those elderly pillars of strength have become weaker and weaker but there was always a sense of "they've always been there and always will be".  They have beat the odds numerous time, but now I think we are facing the fact that there is no way "always being there" is possible.  Things need looked at in the light of reality and not through rose-colored glasses.  While they cherish their independence is it indeed in their best interest.  I hope these subjects are being broached by those with more authority than me.  I am but a mere grandchild and would quickly be given the evil eye if I were to bring it up to the family.  Plus I am not there - geographically.  So I sit here and brood because I am so far away that I hardly ever get to see them anymore.  Its a fact that I can't really help but it stills hurts.  My visits have always been marked with the passing notion of "I wonder when I'll see everyone again".  Now, that will be followed by "if I ever see them again".  My own mortality is settling around me and making me solemn.  Everyone that we have in our lives is a gift.  Every moment we have in our lives is a joy.  Make the most of it.  Write a letter, make a phone call, go for a visit, but let those you love know that you love them.  You don't know when that moment may slip right out of your hands.

Bibbidee-bobbidee-boo!

Well, after a very tiring weekend, we are finally home safe and sound.  This weekend included two emergency shopping trips, an emergency hair consultation, a meeting with the guardian ad lidem for Frontrunner, a college graduation party that made us feel really old, preparations for prom including nails, hair and make-up, prom pictures, dinner, prom, after prom, a trip to Pennsylvania, a baby baptism and reception, two . . . wait no . . . three runs through a deluge of rain, a campus tour, a hotel stay, and dinner with the parents.  When you spell it all out like that its no wonder I'm so tired.  I have never been so busy, tired, and wet in my life.  But I am happy.  I am an official, unofficial Fairy Godmummy.  My brother Uncle Fabulous (formerly Uncle Crazy) and his wife Aunt Fabulous asked me to be a Godmother to Baby Fabulous.  After much strife involving the Catholic church and their disappointment that neither I nor Aunt Fab's sister had a penis, it was decided that I would be a Godmummy - just not on the official Catholic books.  Which is fine by me.  I'm not exactly a facebook friend of the Catholic church or anything although technically I am still a registered parishoner at St. Up-the-street's.  I was included in the ceremony just like the Godparents who are on the up and up.  But the important thing is that Baby Fab will know me as Fairy Godmummy.  And after all, isn't the child the important thing here.  Isn't it her soul that is the focus and not what we had to do to humor the Catholic church.  And what more could I want.  I held her, kissed her, fed her, burped her and when she poohed, I gave her back.  Ah, there is nothing sweeter than getting all the perks without the work.  God bless you Baby Fab!  I'll make sure you know to get home before midnight!

Making a List and Checking It Twice . . . Three times . . . Okay One Last Time and I'm Done I Swear . . .

It is better to overreact given the situation.  I was right.  I'm not crazy.  I heard what I heard and I knew I heard it.  That said, I didn't learn much new at therapy yesterday.  Except maybe that fact that I should be going weekly and not monthly at this point.  Too many things going on.  Too much stress.  Too many major life decisions involving major life changes for me not to have a sounding board at this point.  The trouble now is that Hubby thinks my sounding board is swaying me in one direction.  I look at it more as snapping me back into reality.  Either way, my feelings on this are worse than hormonal mood swings.  All I know is I cannot put myself through this again.  If its not gonna work this time, then its just not gonna work.  Period.  I need a good list of pros and cons.  And not one of those bogus lists of pros and cons that I always make where everything is a pro and a con.  I need to stick to the facts and feelings and decide if each item is a pro or a con.  Maybe that will at least help me to think things through a bit.  And I like making lists.  I do.  I will even add things to my list of things to do that aren't on it.  If I have forgotten to put something on there, I will write it on once I finish it just so I can cross it off.  Drawing that little line through an item gives me such a feeling of accomplishment.  But then again, I never know when to end the lists.  At what point do you stop adding things.  When will my list of pros and cons be complete?  When I am happy with the column that has won?  When I have thought of every infinite possibility that could maybe occur?  God the thought of making a list is stressing me out.  It's not on my list but I think I'll go take a nap.

Cannonball!

Ok peeps!  I am finally back.  After our visit from Frontrunner was set for this week and then cancelled Monday of last week, she actually came Thursday of last week with less than 48 hours notice.  What a roller coaster!  Things went well during her stay and tears were shed when she left yesterday.  It looks like this may really work out.  Provided there are no surprises, she should be coming to live with us at the end of June.  Her visit here allowed us to be more at ease and thus more ourselves which helped contribute to everyone being more comfortable.  She and our daughter got along well.  Our daughter said to me at one point "Mom if there's something she does that I don't like or agree with, I just think of you and Uncle Crazy (my brother).  You two don't like all the same things and don't always get along but that's what having a subling is about."  Quite insightful for being raised an only child.  Frontrunner has decided to change her name - first, last and middle.  New name, new start.  She will be taking our last name - something that makes us very happy.  There will be much teaching and guiding and modeling to be done but she was showing signs of accepting a positive influence.  It will be a change.  There is no denying that.  But the change is one I think we as a family can handle.  We as a family meaning all FOUR of us.  Here I go again, jumping in the deep end but at least this time I got to dip my toes in the water first.  Now I feel like its me jumping and not being pushed in.

My Family Went on Vacation and All I Got Was This Lousy Blog

I've decided to sum up our recent trip to Faraway with a helpful Top Ten Traveling Tips
10.  A foot of snow can stop a 7 day a week Chinese buffet from opening, but it won't stop Chinese delivery.
9.  When in doubt, bribe your child with the promise of a trip to Canada.
8.  Child services agencies in the US are even more screwed up than I thought they were.
7.  It is not possible to have everyone be comfortable in a rental car.
6.  Indian reservations look just like everywhere else, except for the giant fiberglass 50 foot tall Native American statues
5.  Connecticut = $$$Cha-Ching$$$
4.  It is impossible to have a nice, calm, relaxing meal at a Denny's.
3.  Forget about deer.  Try not hitting a moose.
2.  Just because its called the China Dine-ah doesn't mean it has Chinese food.
1.  The magnet is right.  What happens in Maine stays in Maine but really nothing ever happens in Maine.

Snow, Swimming & Broken Hearts

April Fool's Day and I just got back from sitting in a hot tub watching the blustery snow fall outside.  Nice April Fool's Day joke mother nature.  Real funny.  We were supposed to be leaving Faraway today but thanks to about a foot of snow that continues to fall, we get to spend an extra day (in the pool once again) with our Frontrunner - who I might add is our only candidate.  At this point after driving for three days, meeting her and spending constant time with her for the past 48 hours and the next 24 as well, if this does not go through and actually happen, I don't know if I could start the process again.  We are hooked.  She has melted our hearts and we wish we could take her home with us tomorrow.  We checked and, well, we can't.  This will be the hardest part.  Leaving her here.  We have to wait about three weeks till it is her turn to visit us in Suburbia.  Then we have to wait a good two months for her to be able to move down to live with us.  We think that it would be better for her to move down sooner.  She could finish out the year in the Suburbia Middle School and make some new friends before she gets lost in the shuffle of the monster beast that is Surburbia High.  We thought it might be easier than her waiting until her school lets out at the end of June, but her worker says the dreaded red tape can't happen any faster.  Frankly, I think it is mean to say "Here is your new family for three days.  Now say goodbye to them.  Its ok.  You'll see them again in a few months."  But that's how the child welfare system works in this country.  Fractured and broken.  There will be tears tomorrow.  I am sure of it.  She has already asked us to take her home with us when we go.  At the mention of our leaving, she gets quiet and withdrawn and depressed.  I know the people on her team are professionals who are supposed to have her best interest at heart.  I just hope someone listens to what she actually wants.  I hope her voice gets heard above all of the political din.

Stay

Its Sunday afternoon and I am sad.  Hubby has to leave tomorrow for a business trip.  He will be gone till Wednesday night.  Not a long trip this time but time away from us nonetheless.  I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman but in reality, I'm not.  I have to admit - I hate it when he has to go away.  I hate sleeping alone.  I hate having nobody to call during the day.  I hate not having him here period.  My depression doesn't help the situation.  I am a spoiled girl.  I like to get what I want when I want it.  I like to have control over all aspects of my life.  But on this front, I don't.  I hate the actual traveling part.  I worry about him on those planes.  I once heard that flying was basically a building on its side thrown from place to place.  I don't like to think of it that way but its really the truth.  Not much reassurance when you think about it.  I especially hate when he travels to a location that is on a different time schedule than us here in Suburbia.  Its hard to connect and talk on the phone when there is a time difference.  I can't sleep without him here.  I toss and turn.  I watch television and just lie there but I don't sleep.  Makes facing the next day even harder.  The evenings won't be too bad.  Our daughter does not have practice this week so she will keep me company in the second half of the day.  I work on Tuesday so that will help a little.  I just feel a little lost without him here.  I know that its corny but I feel like a part of me is missing.  But I will be, as we say in my family, a big brave dog.  I will deal and cope with what I cannot change.  I will miss him until he returns.  Then I will be happy again.  And one Pandora bead richer.

What? Its not a baby?

We are adopting an older child, a 13 year old child to be exact, and what I want to know is - why is this an issue.  The main issue I have is that there is a total lack of support for this type of adoption.  Take announcements for example.  When you have a baby or even adopt a baby , there are numerous places where you can get birth or adoption announcements.  I was excited when I heard this thinking I would be able to get some for when we finalize our adoption.  Wrong.  I checked into numerous websites that advertised adoption announcements.  What they should have advertised was adoption announcements for children under the age of 5.  I'm not sure how my new daughter would feel about adoption announcements with duckies or booties or a stroller on them but that's what they've got.  I guess I'm on my own to figure out how to share our big news when the finalization date comes.  Even some friends and family are a little lacking in their enthusiasm.  I don't know if they are worried we will be getting "damaged merchandise" or what but it would be nice to feel the warm fuzzies I know I would feel if it were a baby we were having or adopting.  Another example would be the shower factor.  While I understand a baby comes with a need for many specialized things, teenagers don't exactly come with their own set of everything they need.  We will need sheets, blankets, etc. to provide a nice place for our new teen to live.  Everything we already have is basically in sets of three.  We will have to get more bath towels, more pillows, and even things the child may be lacking like more clothes.  Seeing as she will be coming from a different state, she will most likely need some climate appropriate clothes.  And I'm not just looking for someone else to foot the bill.  We have purchased a new bed and a new dresser and numerous other things already.  Just the idea of a party to introduce the new child to the family/community would be a welcome idea.  I don't know maybe I'm overthinking this but when you have a baby or adopt a baby there are a dozen people waiting to throw you a shower.  Nobody says a peep about throwing a shower for an older child.  Nobody is chomping at the bit to throw a welcome party.  We will be having a party but it will be us having the party.  But as usual, we will find a way.  We will find a way to make this family addition as celebratory as possible.  But we will most likely be doing it on our own.  Why am I surprised?  This just falls in line with so many other things in life for me.  I just have to take the bull by the horns and as Tim Gunn would say "make it work."