Hold: Placement Pending

Another Monday, another week.  I'm alone again.  At home.  Trying to find things to do that I want to do that will make my day feel productive.  Not an easy task considering I don't want to do most of the productive things around here - laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc.  I've already done two pages in the scrapbook that I am making for my daughter's graduation party but that's about it so far.  I got to sleep in because Suburbia High School is having their sophomore students report on time to take the Standardized State You-have-to-pass-this-before-you-graduate Tests.  The rest of the students including my senior are on a two hour delay.  So aside from waking up late and scrapbooking I haven't done a whole lot.  I did chat with the girl we were going to adopt.  She was at school and I probably shouldn't condone her lack of attention to her studies by chatting online with her but . . . oh well, she said they weren't doing anything anyway.  I have to admit that I do still go out on the "kid shopping" website and browse around even though we aren't "actively looking" for another child to adopt.  It is strange to see the girls' statuses change to "Hold: Placement Pending" just to be made into "Available" again at some point in the future because one thing or another didn't work out.  "Hold: Placement Pending" means one of two things - either their cases are being reviewed to see if there is any interest from any prospective parents or there are prospective parents who are going through the process of adopting that child.  At the moment, the girl we were going to adopt's status is "Hold: Placement Pending".  When I originally saw this, I was quite saddened in a selfish way.  She was supposed to be our daughter.  How could she be someone else's daughter?  But I have healthily come to terms with it.  It is best for her.  I only hope that if there is a family who is proceeding with adopting her they a) keep her in her home state where she can see her family on occasion, and b) still allow her to talk to me even though I was her almost mom.  But whatever they decide, having a family is what would be best for her.  I have no claim to her.  I have no right to feel saddened.  She is a family friend and that is the extent of it.  But my heart holds on still.  Why?  I don't know.  I don't know why I can't just walk away.  Why I have to keep this connection.  Why even though she never will be, she still feels like family.  I guess time heals all wounds and eventually the wound that whole experience left on my heart will heal but till then, I will worry about her and wonder if she is being taken care of, if she is happy, and if she really misses me too.

Here Comes the Bride and the Tornadoes

Well, I got my voice back.  Most of it at least.  Just in time to run screaming into my basement away from the tornadoes we are expected to get here today.  Every November, we get one bout of severe weather.  Its like spring in the autumn.  From what the weatherman/woman says - today is our day.  I should be thankful.  With as busy as we have been lately, it is amazing that it is happening on a day where we have nothing going on.  Last week was a college visit.  This past weekend was an out of town wedding.  Tomorrow another college visit.  So I guess if I had to schedule in some severe weather on my calendar, today is a good day.  It is amazing that on Friday it was cold enough to be snowing and now its balmy enough for severe weather.  Then again we were about three or four hours north of Suburbia so I guess that could have something to do with it.  It was a nice trip.  Up on Thursday with a college stop along the way.  Wedding on Friday.  Back to Suburbia on Saturday.  A nice little getaway.  The wedding itself was beautiful.  The service just the right length of time.  The mood just light enough to be humorous yet personal and romantic.  The bride was glowing and the groom was grinning.  I have to admit I almost cried a few times.  Why am I such a sap?  We've only known the bride since she was in high school - possibly younger, I can't really remember life here in Suburbia without knowing her and her family.  So, I want to take this opportunity to say Congratulations to Marion the Librarian and her Music Man.  May you have love, laughter, and happiness through all the days of your life together.  Oh, and you make me feel old.

Reality: The Great Wake-up Call

The other day my Grandma fell and broke three ribs.  A horrible thing for anyone but especially horrible to a lady in her eighties.  She is quite bruised up from what I understand.  But she is one stubborn Polish chick.  She fell at about 3 am and didn't tell anyone until 10 am.  Seven whole hours she sat there in pain!  Now I know where I get my stubborn streak from.  But this latest fall got me to thinking about just how fragile life is and with that thought came the wonderful "cloud of depression" settling over me.  I kind of think this time it is descending over the entire family.  We have watched as a family as those elderly pillars of strength have become weaker and weaker but there was always a sense of "they've always been there and always will be".  They have beat the odds numerous time, but now I think we are facing the fact that there is no way "always being there" is possible.  Things need looked at in the light of reality and not through rose-colored glasses.  While they cherish their independence is it indeed in their best interest.  I hope these subjects are being broached by those with more authority than me.  I am but a mere grandchild and would quickly be given the evil eye if I were to bring it up to the family.  Plus I am not there - geographically.  So I sit here and brood because I am so far away that I hardly ever get to see them anymore.  Its a fact that I can't really help but it stills hurts.  My visits have always been marked with the passing notion of "I wonder when I'll see everyone again".  Now, that will be followed by "if I ever see them again".  My own mortality is settling around me and making me solemn.  Everyone that we have in our lives is a gift.  Every moment we have in our lives is a joy.  Make the most of it.  Write a letter, make a phone call, go for a visit, but let those you love know that you love them.  You don't know when that moment may slip right out of your hands.

Bibbidee-bobbidee-boo!

Well, after a very tiring weekend, we are finally home safe and sound.  This weekend included two emergency shopping trips, an emergency hair consultation, a meeting with the guardian ad lidem for Frontrunner, a college graduation party that made us feel really old, preparations for prom including nails, hair and make-up, prom pictures, dinner, prom, after prom, a trip to Pennsylvania, a baby baptism and reception, two . . . wait no . . . three runs through a deluge of rain, a campus tour, a hotel stay, and dinner with the parents.  When you spell it all out like that its no wonder I'm so tired.  I have never been so busy, tired, and wet in my life.  But I am happy.  I am an official, unofficial Fairy Godmummy.  My brother Uncle Fabulous (formerly Uncle Crazy) and his wife Aunt Fabulous asked me to be a Godmother to Baby Fabulous.  After much strife involving the Catholic church and their disappointment that neither I nor Aunt Fab's sister had a penis, it was decided that I would be a Godmummy - just not on the official Catholic books.  Which is fine by me.  I'm not exactly a facebook friend of the Catholic church or anything although technically I am still a registered parishoner at St. Up-the-street's.  I was included in the ceremony just like the Godparents who are on the up and up.  But the important thing is that Baby Fab will know me as Fairy Godmummy.  And after all, isn't the child the important thing here.  Isn't it her soul that is the focus and not what we had to do to humor the Catholic church.  And what more could I want.  I held her, kissed her, fed her, burped her and when she poohed, I gave her back.  Ah, there is nothing sweeter than getting all the perks without the work.  God bless you Baby Fab!  I'll make sure you know to get home before midnight!

Stay

Its Sunday afternoon and I am sad.  Hubby has to leave tomorrow for a business trip.  He will be gone till Wednesday night.  Not a long trip this time but time away from us nonetheless.  I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman but in reality, I'm not.  I have to admit - I hate it when he has to go away.  I hate sleeping alone.  I hate having nobody to call during the day.  I hate not having him here period.  My depression doesn't help the situation.  I am a spoiled girl.  I like to get what I want when I want it.  I like to have control over all aspects of my life.  But on this front, I don't.  I hate the actual traveling part.  I worry about him on those planes.  I once heard that flying was basically a building on its side thrown from place to place.  I don't like to think of it that way but its really the truth.  Not much reassurance when you think about it.  I especially hate when he travels to a location that is on a different time schedule than us here in Suburbia.  Its hard to connect and talk on the phone when there is a time difference.  I can't sleep without him here.  I toss and turn.  I watch television and just lie there but I don't sleep.  Makes facing the next day even harder.  The evenings won't be too bad.  Our daughter does not have practice this week so she will keep me company in the second half of the day.  I work on Tuesday so that will help a little.  I just feel a little lost without him here.  I know that its corny but I feel like a part of me is missing.  But I will be, as we say in my family, a big brave dog.  I will deal and cope with what I cannot change.  I will miss him until he returns.  Then I will be happy again.  And one Pandora bead richer.

He's My "Ken"

So, today I get a call from Hubby just before lunch.  A co-worker/buddy of his has passed a major licensing test and they are going out to celebrate after work.  Ok.  I'm fine with that.  The catch to this one - they want me to come along.  Hubby says I will not be the only one.  His work-wife's real-life husband and son will be there and so-and-so is calling her husband to come.  Great.  What am I supposed to say?  Its not that I'm not happy for co-worker/buddy.  I am.  I just have enough trouble with social situations involving people I know and have things in common with.  He pointed out that our daughter has an after-school activity so we won't be leaving her home and lonely.  There goes my excuse.  I'm going to go to this thing and not know what to say to anyone.  I will sit quietly at Hubby's side and let him be the social one since it is his function.  The trouble there is Hubby isn't exactly Mr. Social Butterfly.  Maybe it will be different since he is comfortable around these people.  Maybe he will prove me wrong and be a Chatty Kathy all evening.  I really considered saying no when he asked if I'd come but what kind of wife would I be if I didn't support him in his supporting others?  So, I'll go.  I'll have a soda since its a pub and I don't drink (neither does Hubby).  I will smile.  I will laugh when appropriate.  I will speak when spoken to.  I will be "Wife Barbie".  I will be a non-blonde, non-sexy, non-skinny trophy wife - there for no purpose aside from  . . . well . . . I would say looking cute but . . . I've seen me.  But I will remember that he loves me and would do the same for me.  So this is what they mean by "wifely duties".  I always thought that was just sex.  This is much more difficult.

Top Ten Things I Learned This Weekend

10.  My best girl friend is tops.  She is my Yoda.
9.  You can make your own buffalo chicken salad at LaRosa's restaurant. 
8.  Factory Card Outlet is the slowest store at putting up their Christmas items. 
7.  My father-in-law is tops.  I owe him some boneless buffalo wings.
6.  Apparently, winter style is layering camis until you are warm enough. 
5.  It is possible to feel your heart breaking. 
4.  My hubby is tops.  He's better than pizza with extra cheese.
3.  Don't do anything with anybody.  Do it by yourself.  Rely only on you.
2.  There is a point were even I wish I hadn't worn sandals.
1.  Always Always Always start every phone conversation with "Am I on speaker?"

O Bother, Its Your Birthday

Today is the 40th anniversary of my husband's birth.  I was going to have a nice, witty, sarcastic blog today, but instead I would rather spend the time with him.  Wait, he's on the couch with ESPN on the TV.  Maybe it's best to just leave him be to do what he wants.  He seems happy at the moment.  If I go over there and bother him, he will most likely want to turn the channel to something that won't put me in a coma.  I would feel bad if he did that when he seems so content watching his little sports channel.  But then again, I'm sure he'd love to have me over there snuggling with him on the couch.  He looks quite comfortable by himself though.  If I go over there, he's just going to feel like he has to resituate himself so that I am comfortable too and why should he have to do that.  It is his birthday.  There's only ten minutes until we have to leave anyway so I guess I'll just finish up this blog posting and . . . well, now I'm done.  But if I stop typing he'll wonder why I'm not coming over and I'll feel all bad.  Then he'll feel all bad and I don't want him to feel all bad on his birthday.  So I guess I'll just keep typing so that he hears the noise and . . . wait . . . he's coming over here.  Oh, its time to go.  Problem solved.  Happy Birthday Hubby!   

8,935,200 Minutes With You

Today is the birthday of my marriage or my anniversary if you like to simplify things.  My husband is wonderful and my life is pretty darn satisfying, but there is one thing that I dread about my anniversary.  There are a few people who shall remain nameless who will wish me a happy anniversary and it will be followed by the silly question "What did you get?"  Um, ok, let's see.  I got to spend the last 17 years with my soulmate.  That's what I got and it's a wicked awesome gift if you ask me.  I don't really need to receive a tangible token of my hubby's love to mark this event.  He tells me he loves me and that's enough.  In fact, he tells me that every day.  I don't need to get a bauble or a trinket to know it.  I know it in my heart.  There's only one gift that I want today and that's to get to spend at least a portion of it with him.  I thank God that we can be together and cherish every moment we share, I thank the forces that brought us together way back when and I thank him for putting up with me and my antics for yet another year.  Hmmmm . . . maybe I should get him a little thank you gift . . .