From Talking to Stalking in Five Easy Calls

Ok.  Here's the deal.  Remember that therapist that I was seeing.  Well, she called.  Then she called again.  Then she called another time.  Then she called this past Friday.  Then she called this morning.  She is just not getting the hint.  Actually, its not just a hint.  Its what is obvious.  I am not calling her back therefore I am not interested in seeing her any more.  End of story.  Stop calling.  At this point what she is doing constitutes harassment and if she calls me again I will categorize her as a stalker.  I am glad that I didn't stay with her as a therapist and establish any type of relationship beyond the initial few meetings.  If she thinks I owe her after just those few meetings, I'd hate to see what she feels about her actual patients.  I owe her nothing.  She keeps saying she wants to know what my plans are.  My plans are not to call her back and to get on with my life.  I have a new therapist and I am happy with her so far and even if I was thinking of coming back to you, your relentless calling would have stifled that idea.  Can you say creepy?  That's what I am living through at the moment.  She is going out of town tomorrow so I may call her answering service and leave a nice blunt message with them that she cannot misinterpret.  But then again, I don't feel I owe her anything.  I don't have to explain my plans or intentions to her.  I am not coming to see her anymore.  What else is there to understand?  Whatever.  We are on our way in a few minutes to go to the back to discuss student loans and parent loans for that matter.  I'm not looking forward to this but it has to be done if we are going to finance our daughter's education.  Actually, if I take the money that the stalker ex-therapist wanted me to spend seeing her weekly and put that money toward my daughter's education, I may get it paid off sooner than I thought.  Here's hoping.  Everyone wish me luck and send me a dollar :)  lol

The Unanswerable Question

How do you throw away a trash can?  Yes, I am seriously asking this.  We have an old trash can that we want to get rid of.  So the other day, we (ok let's be real, it's Hubby that puts out the trash) Hubby put out the can.  He put out old standing fan in it as we were throwing that out as well.  We had loads of recyclables and a can full of trash too.  But when all was said and done, both our good trash can and our old trash can remained.  So I ask the question, how do you throw away a trash can?  Next week, I am going to put a sign on the front of it that says "This can is trash.  Please recycle." and hopefully they will take it.  If not, I don't know what else to do.  Just like I don't know what to do about that crazy relaxation breathing therapist.  She called on Tuesday and left a message saying she got my cancellation message and to call her to reschedule.  I, of course, expecting her to call let it go to the machine.  I luckily did the same thing again yesterday when she called back again.  She left a similar message as the one on Tuesday asking me to call so we could reschedule.  My question with her is - Don't you get the hint lady?  I cancelled my appointment and now I'm not calling you back to reschedule.  Get it.  I don't want to talk to her again so I'm not calling her back.  Hopefully she'll stop calling.  In the meantime, I have been prepping my online store for its launch on Monday.  I'm excited and nervous but I really feel this is the next step for me.  I've kind of hit a wall though.  See, before I can list any items, I have to verify my Paypal account which requires me to input two deposit amounts from my bank account.  So, Hubby went out to get those numbers for me but we were unfortunately stumped by the security question "What was the name of your first pet?"  After three tries, it of course locked up.  So Hubby journeyed to the bank and they voided out the question saying that only our second question would appear.  So Hubby tried again and apparently we don't remember where we went to high school (even though we both went to the same one) because we got that one wrong too.  So today Hubby is going back to the bank to straighten things out.  In the meantime, I wait impatiently to start the next phase of my life.  Thank goodness the bank didn't ask "How do you throw away a trash can?" as their security question.

Look Out World, Here Comes Superwoman!

I am on an upswing!  Must be a few good bipolar days for me or something because I have made so much progress yesterday and today.  Yesterday I woke up in a funk.  I could practically see the dark cloud over my head.  It was awful.  I felt hopeless.  I felt despair.  I felt totally useless.  I called my boss and took a mental health day from work and then I talked to a great friend online and did something I didn't know I was going to do that day.  I chucked the new therapist I had been seeing.  That's right.  I kicked her to the curb.  I called (lauckily getting her answering service) and cancelled my appoinment for Friday.  It was like the heavens opened and light was shining down on me.  All of a sudden I had this huge weight lifted off my back that I didn't even realize was there.  I had been dreading my next appointment and now that I had scrapped that I was free.  I called a new therapist and explained to her that what I am looking for is talk therapy not behavioral stuff and she said she will be happy to talk to me.  She even got me in within the next two weeks.  I was light as air at this point so I asked myself, what else do I want to do and have been putting off?  So I started today to set up my online shop.  I have enough  necklaces to start one and can make more if I need to but I thought today is the day.  So I went onto the site and set up shop.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be but I am determined.  I have no items in it yet and probably won't launch it until next week.  But I am doing it damn it!  I am going to be happy!  I've even decided to get healthier and Hubby has agreed to jump on the bandwagon.  We are going to do the "Couch to 5K" program.  I have a friend that did it and another friend who is currently doing it so it has a realistic look to it.  I just hope I can ride this high long enough to see some improvements in my life.  So, now in addition to being a blog about a girl who is switching therapists, it will also be a blog about a girl attempting to shed some pounds and start her own business.  See - a little bit of something for everyone.  I aim to please!

What's Next? Picturing my Happy Place?

I went to therapy again today.  This time she wanted to teach me relaxation breathing and I figured I had already paid my $25 co-pay so I should probably give it a chance.  I was open to the idea until she said she encourages her clients to lie on the couch in her office and participate in the exercise.  I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't do it.  Something about lying on a couch in a psychologist's office was just too cliche for me.  I felt like I would have been a satirical cartoon not a reality so I told her I wasn't comfortable with that and that I would just sit up.  I was proud of myself for standing my ground but it made me wonder again if this is the right fit for me therapy-wise.   And I can't help but feel that going on a weekly basis is a huge step backward from my monthly basis I had previously worked up to.  I am used to talk therapy.  I go in.  I talk about my life.  Problems emerge.  I get guidance on how to deal with them.  I go home.  Simple process, right?  Apparently not because that's not the way this lady does it.  I don't know.  Maybe we'll get to the talking part after the relaxation techniques are over.  The problem with that is she shared with me today that there are four, yes FOUR relaxation techniques she would like to work on with me. And she only wants to focus on one per session.  That's an entire month of relazation techniques.  I just want some basic plain old talk therapy.  That's it.  No elaborate psychoanalysis.  I just can't get past the the fact that dealing with my therapist gives me stress.  Maybe I should use my breathing techniques before I go to therapy.  Ah, the irony of it all.

Maternal Contentment and the Art of Philanthropy

I just spent an hour in the basement clearing out old crap.  Hubby was with me so it wasn't too bad.  It basically consisted of me going through boxes and handing crap to Hubby saying "Trash" or "Donate".  We got rid of a lot of stuff - three bags of trash and a bunch of boxes to donate.  It feels good to get stuff cleaned out.  Some of the stuff was trash, some of it was things to be donated without pause and some of it was sentimental in value.  I thought the sentimental stuff would be harder to get rid of but it wasn't.  I stopped at one point on a shirt and thought "This would be cute in a t-shirt quilt".  Then I remembered the pile of t-shirts I already have upstairs that are not yet in quilt form and thought "This would be more beneficial to someone as a t-shirt."  What a beautiful thought.  What a beautiful freeing thought.  I don't know if I've been taken over by the spirit of someone who can actually accomplish this stuff but I was definately on a roll.  I was getting rid of stuff right and left.  I've never felt so free.  It was liberating.  The thing is that I have to be in the mood to get rid of stuff.  It's strange how that happens.  One day I can be holding onto things and remembering old times.  The next day I can be throwing out the thing I was fixated on the day before.  Its strange.  I'm strange.  Now I have a few boxes of papers that I have to go through before they can just be thrown out.  Its sad that we live in a world where you can't just throw things away because someone somewhere might go through your trash.  Sigh.  What a wonderful world we live in huh?  Well, at least nothing happened at the school on Friday although I think if someone were going to do something, they would wait until a day where there were actually people there.  Great.  Now I'm afraid to send my daughter to school tomorrow.  I tell you where I am not sending her at the moment - Walt Disney World.  Yes, I decided that my daughter's education is more important than a trip to Orlando.  It was all just too much.  The dates were wrong.  The flights cost a lot.  Most of the hotels were booked up.  It was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  Just wasn't going to happen.  So I sit here - mouseless and wonder what tomorrow will bring.  Guess I'll go work on my "Good Things About Me" list.  I guess considering the concession I made about the Florida trip, I could start off with "a good mom".

Little Miss Crankypants

I called the girl to fix the color in my hair and she was nice - as usual I just made things out to be worse than they really are.  I have no villian at the moment so I'm kind of cranky.  It is a beautiful day outside and I'm still cranky.  I had a productive day and I'm still cranky.  I had a breakfast date with my hubby and I'm still cranky.  What the hell is my problem?  Oh, that's right, I have Mood Disorder N. O. S.  There I go again.  Making myself be the disorder.  My therapist says that I shouldn't let my disorders define who I am but when your disorders affect majority of your thoughts, actions, and emotions, how do you differentiate yourself from the disorder without ending up with a split personality.  Which, I might add is a whole other disorder. I think I'm just tired.  My doc allowed me to go off of one of my meds upon my request.  Sometimes I get tired of putting so many extra chemicals into my body even if they are needed or have good results.  It was the med that helped me to sleep.  I'm falling asleep just fine but I'm not sleeping as deeply or as soundly as I was before.  When I wake up at night (and I do wake up many times with or without the medication) I find that I am more awake and alert than with my medication which makes me realize that the medication was actually doing something.  The trouble is that I don't want to go back on the medicine but I want to be getting enough sleep.  Whatever.  I'm just cranky and that's the way its going to be today.

Billie Joe Armstrong is My Idol (Title Has No Relation to my Post I'm Just Singing Green Day on Guitar Hero While Trying to Come Up with a Title)

I went to my therapy appointment today and it went well.  I was so scared that she was going to be angry with me for buying the wrong book but she wasn't and if she was, she didn't let me know it.  The workbook I have is on Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  She said she didn't know much about it but she had heard good things.  I'm on page 40 so I think its going well.  Most things would have lost my attention by page 10.  But this I'm finding interesting.  It is reminding me that not everything I do is negative.  There are some good things to me.  That's what I have to do for my next therapy session next Friday - make a list of good things about me.  It'll be tough.  I'm not really one to see the good in things let alone myself.  But the book is helping.  And believe it or not, today's therapy session helped too.  I was convinced that it wouldn't.  Actually, I was convinced that my therapist was a puppy kicking, hair pulling bully.  But she's not.  She is nice.  I don't know why I tend to villify everyone.  Ok, so maybe not everyone.  Just her mostly.  But I did do it.  I wish I wouldn't.  I wish I could go through life with lollipops and rainbows like my hubby.  But I must be true to myself and until I've gone through enough therapy with Dr. Not-Cruella-Deville to learn differently I guess I will continue to villify someone most of the time.  I mean what good is a story without a villian.  I'll try to limit it to one person at a time.  Now, I just have to call that kitten punching, shin kicking chick who is going to fix my blue-green hair color.  I'm sure in reality she's really sweet.

Long Time, No Blog

Hello there stranger!  It's been some time hasn't it?  I let myself get into a bit of an insecure funk and couldn't bring myself to blog but hopefully I'm back - at least no more breaks of longer than a month.  I can't believe that I didn't blog even once in February.  It must have been a much bigger funk than I thought it was.  Oh well, you can't go back and change what's in the past.  You can only change what will happen in the future with your actions of the present.  Wow.  Pretty profound for me dontcha think?  I continue to drive my daughter to school and pick her up everyday.  Tomorrow is Super Tuesday (although they really should call it Pain-in-the-Ass Tuesday with all the political crap that's everywhere you turn) and we get to vote on the tax levy again tomorrow.  Not that that will change anything for this year.  I shouldn't really complain.  It gets my butt out of the house each weekday at least twice - once fully dressed, no jamas!  Super Tuesday is really bumming me out though.  My phone rings ten times a day and each time I get excited thinking its an actual person for me but its not.  Its just some bogus recorded message telling me to vote for Mr. Slimeball because he's the least creepy of the candidates.  Nothing like reminding me that I have no friends who actually call me Mr. Slimeball.  Way to get my hopes up.  But I'm working on it.  This no friends thing.  Don't get me wrong, I have tons of acquaintances but not many that fall into the realm of friends and the ones that do fall into my strict definition of friend usually live at a distance and I'm not really all that good at keeping up with those relationships.  Maybe I need to redefine my definition of friend.  Maybe I need to be more socially active.  Maybe I lost my therapist and am not sure if I like the new lady and so I'm looking to you guys for emotional and psychological guidance.  Yeah, I think that last one hit the nail on the head.  After six years of intense work, my therapist had to quit for medical reasons.  I feel bad for her - really I do.  But I also feel bad for me.  I feel like six years of work has just gone down the drain.  Nothing like starting all over again.  After much agonizing, I chose a new therapist or at least a candidate for my new therapist and I'm not sure if I like her or not.  So far, most of what we have done is background work - when were you hospitalized, what progress have you made, what was your original diagnosis - that kind of stuff.  Surprisingly I've learned that I have a more in depth diagnosis than I thought I did (Who knew I was agoraphobic or borderline bipolar in addition to the OCD, depression and panic attacks?) as well as the fact that I indeed had made considerable progress over those last six years (Boundaries.  I got 'em now babe.)  I guess its a little like watching your kids grow up.  Its so small every day, every week that when you really step back and look at it - holy cow they've grown!  Anyway, I've decided to document my search for a new therapist in the hopes of helping others who may go through the same thing.  So far, aside from the background, she has assigned me to buy a workbook on relaxation techniques and stress management.  I didn't.  Instead I bought a workbook on depression and anxiety.  I've been using it and it seems to be helpful so far.  I guess we'll see what "Dr. Number 2" has to say about my rebellion.  If she's not ok with it, I don't think I'm ok with her.  I see her again on Friday so we'll see how it goes.  This will be my third weekly visit.  I hate to tell her, I'm not really looking for relaxation techniques.  I'm not there yet.  I'm looking for ways to stop obsessive thoughts, improve my self-esteem, and break out of this funk for starters.  Frankly, I think even though she has the degree, I am the one who should know what I need.  I need to work through my severe anxiety before I go deep breathing and picturing my happy place.  If nothing else comes from my having this depressive funk, at least I have my new blue hair!