Yo Ho, Yo Ho, No Pirate Patch for Me

Holy Health Scare Batman!  So here's the whole shebang in a nutshell.  I was seeing a flash.  Actually it was more like a glowing blob that would appear in my vision for about half a second and then be gone.  It had been happening for months but it seemed to be getting more frequent so I went to the eye doctor.  He said everything looked fine but had me come back in two weeks for a recheck.  I went back and to be on the safe side he referred me to a retina specialist.  "You'll be the youngest one there by 30 years." he said.  "they'll check you out and laugh and say I was crazy for referring you," he said.  "Well this will be a grand waste of time," I thought.  But I went.  I WAS the youngest person there and the triage portion was long and boring.  I had the pleasure of being snapped at by a nurse with RBF big time.  (That's Resting Bitch Face for those of you who don't know.)  Come to find out throughout the visit that it wasn't just RBF.  She was just a bitch.  Anyway, I finally got in to see the doctor.  He looked in my eye and blinded me with a bunch of shiny things.  I was fully prepared for the "I don't know why he sent you here.  You are fine."  I waited to hear those words when he reclined me and began poking and prodding at my eye.  I waited to hear those words when he said, "Give me a moment to make some notes and then we'll chat."  I waited to hear those words as he made scribbles and marks on the eye diagram on his computer.  I was still waiting to hear those words as he began to "chat" with me about my RETINAL DETACHMENT!!!   What?!?!?!  Did I just say retinal detachment?  Yes I did!  He started with that and then went on but all I heard was "wah, wah, wah wah wah wah."  All of a sudden he was Charlie Brown's teacher.  He said something about gel in the back of my eye and something about being prone to tears and something about a tear and a hole and surgery.  My mouth was hanging open.  My husband's mouth was hanging open.  When he realized I was in shock, he slowed down and explained my treatment options.  There were three.  Number one:  Do nothing which he said wasn't really an option.  Number two:  Have laser surgery to forma scar around the tear/hole to prevent it from expanding.  This option does not stop the flashes but may prevent them from getting larger and more intrusive in my vision.  Number three:  Have traditional cutting surgery.  It involves anesthesia and a band around your eye and then "wah, wah, wah wah wah wah."  Risks include bleeding, infection, and a bunch of other things.  "Ok," I'm thinking, "I really need to do some research and thinking about which I want to do."  No such luck!  The doctor slams me into a state of shock again with the news that the laser surgery would be done today and the traditional surgery would be done the day after tomorrow.  Well there goes the research and the thinking.  He ushers us into another room to decide and I want to burst into tears.  My hubs who thought he would be back to work in an hour quickly cleared his meeting schedule.  While he was doing that, I was left to decide my fate.  The laser would be quick but not painless.  The surgery was more invasive but may fix the flashes and they would knock me out for it.  I had no idea what to do.  My only bright spot (pun intended) was maybe I'd get a pirate-style eye patch to wear home.  That intrigue was short lived as I imagined the laser zapping my vision away if I accidently looked in the wrong spot.  I thought of the recovery period after the traditional surgery and wondered if they put stitches in your eye.  There was no one to answer any of my questions.  Everybody acted as though there was no decision to make.  I ended up opting for the laser surgery which was scary as hell.  It felt like I was getting a tattoo on my eyeball.  Like someone was snapping the inside of my eye with a rubber band repeatedly.  They finished the first portion and put me in the waiting room with juice and crackers to recover a bit.  After about an hour, it was time for round two.  My eyes were tired and uncooperative but the cod managed to do what he needed to do.  Once I could see again, we made our way home.  My eyeball was sore from all the drops and poking and prodding and zapping.  It felt swollen and it ached.  I now know what to look for as signs of retinal detachment but am totally paranoid about every little light or shadow I see.  Eventually I'll get back to normal but knowing I am more vulnerable to going blind in the future - well, I kind of sucks.  The most disappointing part was I didn't even get an eye patch.  Ahoy, no pirate look for me matey.  Arrrrr!!!

***If you see flashes, floaters, shadows, or black spots, please see your eye doctor right away***

Shameless Self Promotion

After a disrupted adoption, we are in the process of attempting to adopt again.  If you would like to follow our trials and tribulations as we make our way through this process a second time, please see my other blog "The Butterfly Keepers" at www.wordpress.com/thebutterflykeepers.  Thank you and I hope to see you there!

Involuntary Nastics at the Gym

Well it finally happened.  I dreaded it.  I tried to avoid it.  I even had nightmares about it.  I actually fell off the treadmill at my gym.  It happened simply enough.  My phone was in the holder on the machine.  I hit a button and went to move my hand back and caught the wire of the ear buds.  My phone tumbled to the running belt.  Of course, my instincts kick in and I try to grab it but since I am incapable of doing two things at once, my feet stopped walking.  Within a half a second, I realized I needed to keep walking but it was too late.  By that point I was flailing with one arm and holding onto the side of the machine with the other.  I let go of the side, stopped flailing, and just let myself be ejected off the back of the machine.  I must have kicked my phone at some point because it was still on the treadmill and was ejected after me.  The entire time I was thinking "I can't believe this is happening."  Luckily, or was it by divine intervention, I was able to stick the landing.  I managed not to fall on my ass.  My niece would have been proud of my "nastics" moves but I highly doubted anyone else in the gym would be appreciative of them.  I looked around and saw everyone in the gym, ears plugged with ear buds, continuing on with their workouts.  Even the folks at the desk didn't seem to notice.  I was grateful for this but also a bit unnerved.  I just wiped out on the treadmill in grand fashion and nobody noticed.  What if I had been really hurt?  Would someone have come to my aid?  I was in the back so I guess that helped my anonymity.  Still.  I could have used a "poor baby."  And as for not hurting myself, that train quickly left the station.  I finished my workout but my arm was hurting a bit.  As the evening went on, I became more sore in the realm of my right arm.  Today, it hurts to type this and I can't lift my right arm without the fear of vomiting in pain.  It'll be a trip to the urgent care tonight for me.  Is it sad that I know the x-ray guy at the urgent care by name?  And it's January so that means deductible time.  So I'll be paying full price for my exam and x-rays.  It'll cost more than the year long membership at my gym.  So if I had never gone to the gym, I'd have my membership money, my x-ray money, and not be in constant pain?  Sounds like the gym is the problem here.  Or is it just my lack of coordination.  Either way if I hadn't gone to the gym, like ever, I'd be a lot richer and a lot healthier.  That doesn't quite seem right.  But what's done is done and what's injured is injured.  At least I don't have to come up with a disguise to go back to the gym.  But I will be forever haunted by the idea that somewhere out there in interwebland there may be surveillance camera evidence of my treadmill dance with death.

Sandy Toes, Salty Kisses, and Butt Support of the American Revolution

I suck.  I suck, I suck, I suck.  I really want to be better at this blogging regularly but blogging occasionally is a hell of a lot better than not blogging at all.  Funny, I feel the same way about exercising as I do about blogging.  I think about it a lot, but don't actually get around to it a lot.  I saw something online today that said "I am fat because a tiny body couldn't hold all this awesomeness."  I feel this way about 50% of the time.  The other 50% of the time I wonder if chairs will hold me and if I will fit through certain places.  This was especially true on our recent vacation to Virginia Beach and Colonial Williamsburg.  The day we arrived I felt tremendously self-conscious and we didn't even put our swim suits on.  Day two I warmed up to the beach and stopped worrying about what I looked like and enjoyed myself.  I'm not very happy that there are pictures to prove this beach vacation but whatever.  When we left the beach and headed to Colonial Williamsburg, I thought I was in the clear - no such luck.  I forgot about one thing - the dreaded Colonial chair.  Not only did many of the Colonial doors into the Colonial buildings open in the middle only giving you half the Colonial doorway to squeeze through, but there were these chairs - Colonial chairs - that are historically accurate to the Colonial time period in material and construction.  Apparently, I am not historically accurate to the Colonial time period because these suckers hurt.  They were about half the size of my butt with knobs that poked in some not-so-comfortable places.  And that was just the design.  The materials used to make said chairs would creak and snap and basically make you feel like its the soundtrack to your ass falling on the Colonial floor.  But I survived and promised myself that I would get back in the gym as soon as the patella femoral tendonitis I had was healed.  That and as soon as the gym we joined was back in business after THE TORNADO!  That's right!  We joined a gym down the street and within a month I had hurt myself and shortly thereafter the gym was hit by an EF1 tornado.  Luckily, we were not there.  Even though it was our usual day and time to go, we didn't.  But I'm thinking there's no way more direct for God to say be happy with who you are first and if you then still want to change yourself - all the better - than with 100mph rotating winds.  So as the gym heals and I heal, I tried to take stock of my self-worth and self-esteem and realize that I am fine.  I like me.  No, I love me.  And I want to slowly but surely improve me - for my health and my family, not for vanity or appearances.  And if I ever find a time machine or develop a means for time travel, I will omit the Colonial period as a destination option. 

We Interrupt Your Day for this Not So Important Message

According to my husband, I have been neglecting my blog.  I have to admit that this is true.  I want to say there is good reason for this but there really is not.  Since my daughter left for college, I have been through a sort of depression.  It wasn't my normal depression.  I didn't sleep all day and spend my waking hours crying and staring at the television.  No.  This time it totally caught me off guard because it manifested itself differently.  I became obsessed with my online shop and could think of nor do much of anything else.  I made lots of jewelry and marketed a lot.  I even sold my first piece that didn't go to a friend or family member.  But the catch here is I closed out the entire world and secluded myself away.  I didn't care about much else.  I did the minimum to get by.  I missed my baby girl.  And now I am aware of that and trying my best to change that.  I am trying my best to figure out just how life is supposed to be now.  Things are changing.  Things HAVE changed.  And they just keep changing.  Things have happened that I'm not sure I want to talk about here in public.  I mean, don't get my wrong.  I love all my blog readers but there are things that have been happened that are not mine to divulge yet they affect me in a major way.  Because of that, I am not sure what to do.  Do I break confidence or risk betrayal just to include everything honestly in my writing or do I stick to what is happening to me directly and keep what is happening to those around me and who are important in my life the secret I am sure it should be?  I am trying to get back to normal.  I have been reading again as well as posting in my book review blog.  I have written a few letters.  I should call some people that I promised to call and do lunch with but I'm just not up to it yet.  I was going to volunteer but that didn't work out.  I tried to tell one place that I was interested in volunteering.  They gave me a pamphlet and told me to call a phone number.  What do you mean here's a pamphlet, call the number?  I'm standing right here in your facility.  So I kind of gave up on that.  I am feeling a little worthless right now.  Mostly because I am not bringing in any money.  For some reason that makes me feel worthless.  That and the rental house that we own but can't live in because of me is sitting empty and sucking our bank account dry.  Another thing that I feel is my fault.  My hubby says its nobody's fault but then why do I feel like crap about everything.  I am hoping to be able to figure out how to continue my blog while being depressed and maintaining confidentiality.  So please forgive me for neglecting you and I hope that you will hear from me again soon.

On My Own, Pretending You're Beside Me

So, its two weeks until The Kid moves into her new dorm and her new life at University.  I know that this is about her, but I also need to be concious that it is about me too.  Yes, it is a big change in her life but it is a big change in mine also.  We have been best buds, partners in crime, twinsies for the last 18 years.  All of that is gonna change in two weeks.  I know that I have to let her go.  I will let her go.  It will pain me and sadden me but I will let her go.  The moving her in and the leaving her there will be hard but I can numb myself through that process.  What will be hard is the coming home.  There will be no more kid in the house.  It'll just be me and Hubby.  That is a strange concept.  See, Hubby and I started dating and were married within a year.  About a month before our first anniversary, The Kid came along.  We barely had time to ever be a couple.  What if we don't function well that way?  What if The Kid is the glue that holds us together?  What if everything begins to unravel?  What am I going to do with myself now that I'm no longer at 24/7 active presence mom?  The last time I went through a major life change if you don't count quitting two jobs was when we bought the house.  We all remember what happened when we bought the house.  I had a nervous breakdown.  I ended up in the psych. ward at the hospital.  I don't want that to happen again.  I especially don't want it to happen this time as The Kid will think it is her fault when its not.  Its just me.  I can't deal with major change that easily.  It has already started happening.  I've noticed I am crankier.  I've noticed that I'm not sleeping as well.  I've noticed that I am taking more and more of my tranquilizing meds.  This is not good.  My therapist seems to think that I am doing well and that I am handling things in my life very well.  I put on a good show don't I?  She doesn't know the true me.  I find myself telling her what I think she wants to hear when I am there.  We never really talk about problems.  We talk about what is going on in my life and I emphasize the good and don't bring up the bad.  I don't tell her that I've taken to gagging a lot due to the stress.  Almost throwing up seems to be my body's way of dealing with this impending doom.  See just the fact that I referred to it as impending doom just goes to show how I am viewing this whole thing.  So if there are any empty-nesters out there who have gone through this and are willing to share some advice, I am open to listening.  And for the record, my therapist has already told me the I may want to get another job or start volunteering once The Kid leaves but I just don't feel like that is going to fill the void her leaving will cause.  It would be like taking an empty can of coke and filling it with water.  You've filled it.  Its full.  Its just not right though.  The water just doesn't fit in the place of the coke.  I know it has to happen.  I know I will live through it.  I just don't know how.

Why is Not Just a Question for Preschoolers

I'm not sure that I really have anything to say today.  I just figured it has been some time since I posted so I should at least give you all an update.  The update is - nothing.  She is still missing.  I read an article yesterday from a local newspaper in Far Away about the whole situation.  It said that she was having a sexual relationship with the 30 year old man she left with.  They believe she left of her own free will.  Doesn't surprise me one bit actually.  I've given up on thinking that if we had adopted her then none of this would have happened.  It may have happened here just as well.  It doesn't matter because we didn't adopt her and I need to move on from that.  I need to not worry about her any more than I would any other friend or family aquiantance.  Hard to do?  Yeah.  But not impossible.  I just have to focus on other things.  I hope she is found and I hope that the guy she went with is put in prison but until then I've done all that I can do.  End of story.  I need to just put the whole adoption thing behind me.  Today I saw a friend that I haven't seen in a long time.  She let me know that she is not doing well.  She told me that she has early onset dementia.  I was stunned.  I didn't know what to say.  It got me thinking about a friend's mother who had dementia and even Hubby's grandmother which as usual gets me started thinking about mortality in general which gets me thinking about Hubby and I and our mortality.  I don't know if or when I am going to die.  I like to think that I never will but I guess . . . scratch that, I know we all do at some point.  That takes care of the who and the what which just leaves the question of where, when and how.  The problem isn't my death.  It's Hubby's.  I cannot picture my life without Hubby.  I've tried to think about it, tried to prepare myself for the dreaded "what if" but its like without him I will cease to exist.  I worry about that feeling.  With my depression and history of mental illness, I wonder what would happen to me if something happened to him.  So I try not to think about it.  Instead I fill my days doing things to distract my obsessive brain with other things.  Like blogging.  When I remember to do it.  And when I feel that someone out there somewhere may be interested in what I have to say or which is not often.  I guess that's why I don't blog as much as I did before.  My confidence is lacking.  I don't know why but it is.  I need an ego boost.  A shot of confidence in myself.  That takes care of the who and the what now I just need to figure out the where, when and how.  Wait.  I left out the why.  Why do we die?  Why don't I have confidence?  Why am I even writing this right now?  Wow, guess I had more to say than I thought I did.  Wonder why?

Missing

Well, <sigh> its been a hell of a day.  I found out this morning that the girl we were going to adopt from Far Away is missing.  That's right.  Missing.  Her grandmother told me this morning via facebook message that she is missing and they think she is with her friend's father.  He seems to have vanished too and can't be reached by text or phone.  From what I could gather from reading several posts, she has been missing since June 9th.  That's almost a week.  They say that the police are involved but a friend of mine did an Amber Alert search and came up empty.  My guess is that they are considering her a runaway because of her age and the fact that this guy is missing too.  Who knows?  I am doing all I can to try to get in touch with her.  Texting, messaging, posting.  I have put her picture out there on facebook for people to share saying that she is missing.  I've had a few friends repost the picture.  I just can't believe this has happened.  I don't know what to do or how to help.  At this point, I am just asking that if you are on facebook that you go to my profile and repost her picture and the picture of the guy.  (I got his picture from his profile.  Thank God for people who don't lock down their security settings.)  If you are not a personal friend of mine then all I can do is ask that you pray to whatever God you believe in that she is found safe and sound. 

Suburban Scare

I am kind of freaking out at the moment.  I know - so what's new with that?  But I am seriously serious this time.  Not that I'm not serious any other time but . . . ok, to the point.  I just got an e-mail from my daughter's school saying that a threat has been made on a bathroom wall by an unknown person that states that "something" will happen at the school on Friday.  What?  You send me this in an e-mail?  This is serious stuff people.  I'm hoping like everyone else that it is just a hoax but in today's world, you cannot afford to think that way.  The e-mail said they are taking it seriously and are upping the police presence at the school this week but that really doesn't help me to feel any better.  I want to go to the school right now and pick my daughter up and home school her for the rest of the year.  I'm assuming that the kids don't know yet because as of my dropping her off this morning she had no clue but then again neither did I.  Why weren't we told of this yesterday if they found it after school!  Why wait till all the children are at the school and at risk the next day to let everyone know.  Probably because they were too busy with their levy last night.  I don't know.  I'm just still kind of freaking out.  I've talked to a few friends but its hard to understand until its your kid in the face of possible danger.  When you see things like this on the tv, they almost don't seem real.  You think "what is this world coming to?" but its the world out there not the world in here.  This time it is my kid.  This time it is my community.  This time it hits home.  I just checked some of the social networking sites and they are talking about it.  It is supposed to be a school shooting that will happen.  Great.  No school for my daughter tomorrow or Friday.  I'll be keeping her home.  Call me paranoid but if you get a warning wouldn't you heed it?  I'm having enough trouble not putting my coat on right now and going over and getting her out of school.  But she's there.  And I'm trying to trust that she is safe.  But once she is home I'm not giving her back.  This when there was just a facebook posting about a potential shooting planned at the middle school yesterday.  With that threat, they evacuated the school and diverted busses.  With this one, they wait and let the kids come to school.  Doesn't make sense to me.  Seems that a second threat in as many days would warrant a more cautious approach.  I don't know what they're thinking.  Unfortunately for this post I have no witty ending.  Let's just hope in reality its a happy ending.

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round - Except in Suburbia

Wow!  I can't believe that January is half over and I have only blogged on here twice this month!  Having bronchitis didn't help but honestly, there hasn't been that much happening that I've felt the need to share.  I went through a bit where I didn't want to just air out my frustrations on here but when I decided not to do that I realized I didn't have much else to say.  Oh well.  I guess its back to venting my frustrations.  Today, I shall tackle the Suburbia school district.  See, their tax levy didn't pass back in November.  Their solution to saving money has been to eliminate all bus service for the high school and require all students within a two mile radius of the school to walk to the middle school.  There are plenty of other misappropriated funds that they could move around in my opinion but nobody asked me and this is what they decided upon.  Nice huh?  So now every day, I have to get up, get dressed (who am I kidding, I go in my jammies), and take the child to school.  Then in the afternoon, I have to go pick her up.  Life will continue every stinkin' day like this until she graduates in June!  That is a long way off and a heck of a lot of dropping off and picking up.  It wouldn't be that bad if she wasn't one of approximately 2,800 students getting dropped off.  This has created quite the traffic hassle.  I have to go at like 2:30 p.m. to get in place to pick her up at 3:05 p.m.  Nothing like wasting a half an hour.  But not tomorrow!  No.  Tomorrow is "Wisdom Tooth Day" mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Yes, tomorrow our daughter is getting her wisdom teeth out.  I really don't know what to expect.  My two wisdom teeth came in and then I had one removed.  Still  have the other one.  Hubby had his out as an adult.  I remember him eating lots of mashed potatoes and jello but I think I have blocked out all the bad stuff.  I am nervous by proxy for tomorrow.  I saw a piece one time on Dateline or something where this guy had his wisdom teeth out and he lost basically all of his mental capacity.  I know, I know.  That's a once in a lifetime story and I shouldn't be afraid of that actually happening but I'm a mom and that's what I do.  So tonight, we will take our non-bus-riding daughter out to eat super crunchy food for dinner and swing by the grocery to load up on jello, mashed potatoes, soup, mac & cheese, and anything else that doesn't require much chewing.  Hey, at least she'll be off school for a few days so I won't have to deal with driving her.  See, there's always a silver lining.

12 for 12

My thoughts have been rather scattered lately.  My ADD is in overdrive and with the holiday fast approaching, this is not a good thing.  So today I've decided I'd give you a taste of what goes on in my head.  In honor of 12/12, here are 12 things that have been on my mind.

12.  Why is my house so hot in the daytime?  I'm talking like Jamaica hot.  If we turn the heat down then we are too cold later in the day.  It could just be me but I'm too young to be getting hot flashes.

11.  How did we get so much Christmas stuff?  It seems like Hubby just keeps bringing more and more of it up from the basement.  I have no idea how we have accumulated so much . . . well . . . Christmas crap.  Its festive and I love it.  Its just that there isn't room in our tiny townhouse for it all.

10.  Why is it that every time some little bitty thing goes wrong at our house in the next town over that we are renting out . . . anyway, why do they call property management every time?  Instead of checking the fuses, they just call and say that the indoor garage opener isn't working.  Fine.  Check the fuse and if that's not it then DEAL.  You still have two garage door openers and the keypad on the garage.  Its a one car garage.  Do you really need that many ways to access it?  I swear when I agreed to give these very young boys a chance, I should have realized they were spoiled rotten.  If you asked me right now if I would renew their lease in 2012, the answer would be NO!

9.  I think we may be a mite-free home.  They seem to be gone.  Fingers crossed.  Knock on wood.

8.  I am getting very restless at my job.  I don't know why.  Its not hard.  Its just annoying.  I can't imagine having the commitment of a career and working full-time, but I feel like I want more.  I really should get into this writing a book thing that I keep thinking about.  What harm would it do?  Maybe after the holidays.

7.  My daughter is going to college.  My daughter is going to college.  My daughter is going to college.  Maybe if I say it enough times, I will be ok with it.  She has gotten into the College Down the Street.  She even made it into their honors program.  I know that she will get into others and I am not looking forward to having to help her make this decision.  Choices like which Christmas gift to buy are hard for her because of her OCD.  I can't begin to imagine the drama this decision is going to come with.

6.  Am I blogging just for my own mental health or does reading my blog actually keep people informed on my life and maybe even help them with their problems?  (If nothing else by showing them that we all have problems.)  This blog has quite a few followers but I haven't gotten a new one in quite some time and my other blog http://www.myliteraryopinions.blogspot.com/ only has 5 followers.  It gets more hits than that but only 5 followers is kind of a bummer.  I wonder if I should keep them going?

5.  What am I going to mail my Grandmother's Christmas gift to her in.  I have it wrapped and ready to go in a shirt box.  A typical shirt box.  I wanted to send it Priority Mail so I got one of their mailing boxes.  The one referred to as a shirt box.  The only problem is their shirtbox is about 3/4 of an inch shorter than my shirt box.  Come on people.  A shirt box should be a shirt box.  When will the world get its act together and have uniform standard sizes?

4.  What else can I get my daughter for Christmas?  I have some gifts and some ideas but need more.  If you come up with any, you can comment on this blog.  I just won't post your comment so she doesn't see it.  What would you want if you were a 17 1/2 year old girl?

3.  How come if according to the movie "Fred Claus" when Santa becomes a saint, he and his whole family stop aging and freeze at the age they are at but then in the movie "The Santa Clause 3" he and his wife have a baby how could that happen according to the rules of Santa from "Fred Claus"?  Hubby says they are just movies but I am thinking this is an important thing to kids and what would I say if a random child should ask me?  I think Hollywood should get it together on their Santa lore.

2.  Where am I gonna find the money in our budget to pay for our trip to Hometown between Christmas and New Year's?  I really shouldn't be worrying about this because Hubby took over the budgetting for the year so technically I am giving myself one more month off before I start doing it again but I can't help but worry.  The hotel is like $160 per night.  We are looking at two or three nights.  We don't have that kind of a chunk of change just sitting around.  Besides, if we did I would have already spent it on Christmas.

1.  Is my Grandma ok?  Last week she broke her leg and had to get a rod put in place of the bones between her knee and ankle.  Its times like this when its really hard to live 5 hours away.  I know that my being there wouldn't really do anything except maybe make her smile but I just wish I was.  Calling on the phone just isn't the same.  I miss my Gram.

There you go.  A roller coaster ride through my mind this Christmas season.  I will make my best effort to have my next posting be a more cohesive thought process.  I promise.

Reality: The Great Wake-up Call

The other day my Grandma fell and broke three ribs.  A horrible thing for anyone but especially horrible to a lady in her eighties.  She is quite bruised up from what I understand.  But she is one stubborn Polish chick.  She fell at about 3 am and didn't tell anyone until 10 am.  Seven whole hours she sat there in pain!  Now I know where I get my stubborn streak from.  But this latest fall got me to thinking about just how fragile life is and with that thought came the wonderful "cloud of depression" settling over me.  I kind of think this time it is descending over the entire family.  We have watched as a family as those elderly pillars of strength have become weaker and weaker but there was always a sense of "they've always been there and always will be".  They have beat the odds numerous time, but now I think we are facing the fact that there is no way "always being there" is possible.  Things need looked at in the light of reality and not through rose-colored glasses.  While they cherish their independence is it indeed in their best interest.  I hope these subjects are being broached by those with more authority than me.  I am but a mere grandchild and would quickly be given the evil eye if I were to bring it up to the family.  Plus I am not there - geographically.  So I sit here and brood because I am so far away that I hardly ever get to see them anymore.  Its a fact that I can't really help but it stills hurts.  My visits have always been marked with the passing notion of "I wonder when I'll see everyone again".  Now, that will be followed by "if I ever see them again".  My own mortality is settling around me and making me solemn.  Everyone that we have in our lives is a gift.  Every moment we have in our lives is a joy.  Make the most of it.  Write a letter, make a phone call, go for a visit, but let those you love know that you love them.  You don't know when that moment may slip right out of your hands.

A Freudian Slip-pery Slope

Today I had a therapy session.  Yes, I go to therapy.  You got a problem with that.  Didn't think so.  Anyway, aside from the fact that I'm a little defensive about it, my session today was . . . well . . . confusing.  I took Hubby with me because I felt that I needed the support and since we were going to discuss the same topics we did last time and last time he came, I just figured that his coming was a given.  Nope.  There was an early morning crisis as I debated whether or not he should come.  The problem wasn't whether or not he should come, the problem was he didn't really want to come.  He had been encouraging me all week to go by myself.  I didn't want him to come, I wanted him to want to come.  He gave in and came.  We chatted and discussed many issues I will not specify here.  The hour went by too quickly and before I knew it my therapist had picked up her pen (the sign we as her clients are taught means time to pay - its all rather Pavlovian).  But we were just in the middle of something.  We were just getting to the good part.  What do you mean its time to pay and be on my way.  I quickly voiced my desire to come back as soon as possible hoping on some unrealistic level that she would just let us stay a few more hours.  But it is Friday, so I have to wait until Monday to go back.  By then I will have lost my place.  My thoughts will be subdued and it'll basically be like starting over.  When we left the office and Hubby stated that he didn't really learn anything new (what my ears hear: that was a waste of time and I didn't need to come).  But he did speak in there.  So there was a purpose to him coming.  I thought we did well.  I thought we made progress.  I thought we both learned new things about how to cope and deal and strive to be the ever elusive "normal".  Instead, I have an appointment on Monday and I'm pretty sure that justifies what I'm pretty sure he is thinking - the problem is me.  I think its better to overreact instead of being oblivious.  He thinks the other way around.  We were told to meet in the middle but due to our circumstances in our particular situation it is better to ____________.  I fill in the blank with overreact.  He says she said no such thing.  I wrote it down so I can check with her and find out what exactly she said on Monday.  Of course he won't be there so he might not believe me when I tell him the answer.  The right answer.  My answer.  I can't believe we argued about this on the way home from the therapist.  Great.  Nothing like a little therapy to come between us.
To Be Continued on Monday . . . After My Session . . .

Stay

Its Sunday afternoon and I am sad.  Hubby has to leave tomorrow for a business trip.  He will be gone till Wednesday night.  Not a long trip this time but time away from us nonetheless.  I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman but in reality, I'm not.  I have to admit - I hate it when he has to go away.  I hate sleeping alone.  I hate having nobody to call during the day.  I hate not having him here period.  My depression doesn't help the situation.  I am a spoiled girl.  I like to get what I want when I want it.  I like to have control over all aspects of my life.  But on this front, I don't.  I hate the actual traveling part.  I worry about him on those planes.  I once heard that flying was basically a building on its side thrown from place to place.  I don't like to think of it that way but its really the truth.  Not much reassurance when you think about it.  I especially hate when he travels to a location that is on a different time schedule than us here in Suburbia.  Its hard to connect and talk on the phone when there is a time difference.  I can't sleep without him here.  I toss and turn.  I watch television and just lie there but I don't sleep.  Makes facing the next day even harder.  The evenings won't be too bad.  Our daughter does not have practice this week so she will keep me company in the second half of the day.  I work on Tuesday so that will help a little.  I just feel a little lost without him here.  I know that its corny but I feel like a part of me is missing.  But I will be, as we say in my family, a big brave dog.  I will deal and cope with what I cannot change.  I will miss him until he returns.  Then I will be happy again.  And one Pandora bead richer.

A New Twist on Technology

I don't know what your idea of happiness is but mine happened today.  Today, on facebook, I received a friend request from - drum roll please - our Front Runner!  I checked my facebook quickly before dinner and there it was.  A friend request of the greatest kind.  I was thrilled.  I was scared.  I was so very, very nervous.  Of course, I accepted right away.  But what to post on her wall?  What do you say?  You want the first words you say to your potential new daughter to be profound and meaningful.  So I went with "Hello".  I thanked her for the friend request and told her I couldn't wait to learn more about her and get to know each other.  I also told her to feel free to ask me anything.  Not very profound but heartfelt and, I hope, meaningful.  I'm still nervous.  What if she doesn't like us?  What if she turned us down but is just curious about us?  I am still a nervous wreck.  With each step we take in this adoption, I think "This is the hardest step" only to get to the next step and think "What was I thinking?  This is the hardest step."  I don't know if it will get any easier but I know that what we are doing is what we are supposed to be doing.  I don't know how I know, I just do.  With each step I hope to get less nervous and scared.  But with each step, I end up more nervous and scared.  I feel like I'm in junior high again wanting the popular kids to like me.  All I want is for her to like me, like us.  Once I know that maybe I will be less scared and nervous and all that will be overcome with just happiness.

Success ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! And Now the Scary Part . . .

I am officially a mom-to-be again!  No, I'm not preggers so don't even ask.  Yesterday, we had The Big Meeting about our Front Runner.  It went wonderfully.  Everyone was in agreement that it sounds as if our family and Front Runner are a great match!  Woo hoo!  The search is finally over!  No more hunting for potential new daughters.  No submitting our homestudy just to be told no.  This is it!  We even finished the video we had to make of ourselves.  Imagine someone telling you to make a video of yourself and giving you basically no guidelines but you know that this will be the most important video you ever make in your life.  It was tough.  What do you say?  It turned out to be ok I guess.  It is reflective of who we are and hopefully it won't scare Front Runner away.  (fingers crossed)  Today after wrestling with our scrapbook to get it to fit into a box, I mailed off our personal information to be shown to Front Runner next week.  I have never been so nervous in my life!  What if she doesn't like us?  What if she doesn't want to come live with us?  What if she thinks we are just a family of big old goobers?  While I am happy that the homestudy-getting-rejected part of the process is over, I have now realized that the biggest most important rejection could possibly happen.  I am scared.  All she has to judge us by is a scrapbook and a twenty minute video.  How is she supposed to decide based on that?  But I guess we decided on her without ever meeting her.  We didn't see a video.  We didn't get a scrapbook.  Yet we know she is the right one for us.  Hopefully she will get that same feeling.  It's strange to think that I have two daughters.  One is just a couple of states and a technicality away.  Wow!

Just Call Me Dorothy

I am petrified of storms.  Its really sort of a love/hate relationship.  I love to hear the thunder and rain.  The lightening doesn't even bother me.  For me, its all in the wind.  I hate storms because they come with wind and, sometimes, tornadoes.  I've always been this way.  Its part of who I am.  When I was a little girl and the wind would pick up or it looked like a storm was coming, I would run all over our backyard pulling anything that wasn't tied down into the house.  Toys, decorations, lawn furniture.  It all had to come in.  And I didn't even live in tornado alley.  We're talking mid-atlantic states here.  Not exactly known for their tornadoes.  I mean, this is a place where what would normally be tornado sirens are used instead to call volunteer firefighters to the fire station.  We did have a tornado once.  It came through near to our house while we were away.  I remember being so scared that when we got home all my stuff would be gone.  (And to someone with OCD, even undiagnosed at the time, "stuff" is very, very important.)  Hubby and I survived some non-descending funnel clouds while living along the gulf coast.  I remember hearing the tornado sirens in the middle of the night thinking "wow, that must be one big fire".  Little did we know.  I think back to the two years that Hubby and I DID live in tornado alley and I don't know how I functioned like a human being.  I think I just chose to ignore the threat as a coping mechanism of some sort.  I remember the green skies, the wall clouds, the sideways rain and the tornado sirens but I never remember being scared.  Now, I live here in Suburbia, basically the midwest, where the threat is higher than you'd think it would be.  I live the months of March, April, May, June, July and August in fear of the wicked winds.  I force my family, birds and all, into the basement every now and then where we sit with our bike helmets on waiting for the warnings to be over.  I have, through much therapy, come to realization that I am as safe as I can be in my home, but my car is a completely different story.  The thing that fears me most about storms now is traveling in them.  One night, on the way home from a wedding, we were driving down the interstate when the radio went off with tornado warnings for all the local counties.  Having just passed the last exit before a vast stretch of farmland, I insisted that Hubby drive backwards down the interstate on ramp shoulder so that we could take refuge in a Hampton Inn lobby while the cyclonic cones of death made their way through the area.  Today, we laugh about that night, but I would do it again in a heartbeat if I had to.  The reason I'm writing all of this today is that tomorrow we are taking a trip to Hometown to see our new little niece.  We are making the trip in one day which means we will be coming back to Suburbia in the dark, driving straight into a cold front.  They are not calling for any severe weather but with their tendency to do nowcasting and not forecasting, I am nervous.  But I will go.  When the thunder rumbles, I will white knuckle my atlas.  When the lightening flashes, I will scan the horizon for potential funnels.  When we start the trip home, I will medicate . . . heavily.  Meteorlogical scars run deep in my mind but I will live through this.  If not, I'll see you in Oz.

Innards Peace

We got the background information on the girl we are most interested in today and there's nothing in there that would make me say no.  So many others had a "yeah but" or a "well" that made me . . . or rather us . . . hesitate.  It was exactly the opposite as I thought it would happen.  I thought I would see a picture and know in my gut.  Instead, I saw a picture and thought "she's cute" but there's got to be a catch.  Maybe I had just been let down too many times to allow myself to get in too deep.  I never got my hopes up.  I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  There had to be a hitch.  There had to be something that would make us say no.  But so far, there's not.  Its difficult, but I'm still trying not to fall in love with her.  I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong.  I haven't accepted the fact that there may be nothing wrong.  My gut is telling me to approach with caution.  But I need to remember that my gut is wrong a lot of the time.  I have to learn to listen to my gut . . . and then run in the other direction.  My gut is telling me to be on guard.  My gut is not telling me that this is positively the right one for us and that could very likely mean she IS the right one for us. Maybe I should get a gut transplant.  One that's a little more accurate.  Until then I just have to do the opposite of what it tells me.  If only my heart and my brain could talk to my gut and convince it there is nothing to be afraid of.  Why can't my organs communicate with one another?  If there was harmony amongst my insides then I feel I could experience peace in this life changing situation.

Ketchup

Gotcha!  The title was interesting so you thought "How can she possibly have an entire blog posting about ketchup?".  Wrong.  Today I've decided to do a little "ketchup" to update you on some things I have posted about in the past.  This should bring you up to speed:

-  We have found insurance for our vacant property through a different company.  We were contacted by our Nationwide agent after the holidays at which point he told us they had an underwriter who would gladly handle our needs.  We asked for a quote.  Four days later, he called again while we were out.  He left a message (at closing time on a Friday) but no quote and then wished us a Happy Holidays even though it was nearing mid-January.  This just confirmed for us that they don't care, they don't want our business, and they don't look at the calendar.  We never received a quote in the mail.  We did receive a phone call a few days AFTER our drop date.  They tried to sell us life insurance.  If you have Nationwide Insurance through our former agent, you have my pity.  (See "Insuring a Perfect Holiday")

-  We are headed this Friday to our interview at the other county's social services place.  I don't know if I really want to be doing this or not.  It feels like a commitment even though I know that we can still say no if we want.  Just not looking forward to going in there and defending myself from the attack that is sure to happen.  We have a few other leads we are following that we are more interested in and look more promising.  I will be sure to medicate before the interview. (See "Under the Microscope" and "Moving On, Hanging Out and Trying to Look Up")

-  I am sick of snow.  After a few more snow storms and an ice storm, I am ready for winter to be over.  Luckily, during the ice storm we did not lose our power but we did lose our cable which is enough to make you lose your mind.  After reading, stitching, scrapbooking, playing Wii, playing games and watching movies, we were out of ideas.  We tried to be thankful that we still had power but it was hard to feel good about our situation without the TV to show us people in even worse situations.  The news may be full of negativity but it sure makes you feel good about your own life.  (See "I'm Dreaming of a White Tuesday)

-  Not all children in foster care exclusively love horses.  Most love dolphins as well.  While the horses seem a constant staple, the dolphins appear to be growing in popularity.  I am all for this since I don't recall being allergic to dolphins.  Not that I've really had the chance to find out, but I've been to Sea World and didn't sneeze even once.  Anyway, I'm going to emphasize my family's love of dolphins in the hopes of distracting from the fact that I don't have a horse . . . or a trampoline.  (See "Wanted: Family - Must LOVE Horses")

 -  After much internal wrestling with the subject, I mellowed out a bit on "the song" from the show.  I had to do some coercing of Hubby to get him to accept going to the show, but eventually he did.  So we all went to see the show and heard "the song".  Some of the subject matter was a bit adult oriented.  I'm not sure our daughter got all of the jokes and if she did - I don't want to know.  The show was hilarious and we thoroughly enjoyed it.  Overall, it was a nice afternoon out - even with the erection.  (See "Sex Education: The Musical Version" and "Sex Education: The Musical Version - The Sequel")

So that's about all there is.  If I have forgotten to update you on something and you are interested in hearing more about it, just comment on this posting and I will try to catch you up even more.  Until next time, enjoy your ketchup.

Sex Education: The Musical Version - The Sequel

As many of you will remember from my January 13, 2011 post "Sex Education: The Musical Version", I was rather furious with City Playhouse for their lack of a warning on a musical being performed there.  The musical contained a song about a specific private male bodily function to put it mildly.  I was not sure I was comfortable with my daughter hearing this song so I sent them an e-mail asking that they send me my tickets so that I could either sell them or give them away.  After nearly two weeks without hearing anything, I got Hubby to call the box office and find out what was happening.  He explained that we wouldn't be able to attend the performance and City Playhouse quickly offered to cancel our tickets and issue us gift certificates for a future show.  Great!  This was a wonderful solution!  So we waited . . . and waited . . . and waited . . . and yesterday in the mail we got . . . (wait for it) . . . OUR TICKETS!  Not gift certificates as promised but our tickets!  Hubby no longer wanted to go and I couldn't go without him even though I had mellowed out to the show content.  With four days to go before the performance, the likelihood of us finding someone to buy/take the tickets seemed slim to none.  Our daughter was busy through this whole incident texting her BFF with a blow by blow description of our dilemma.  Then BFF told her mother and they offered to buy the two adult tickets.  Cool!  We unloaded them at a price of two for one.  Now with only a student ticket left we were considering our options when BFF invited my daughter to join her mom and her with the extra student ticket.  Nice.  Thanks BFF.  Torn on whether the content would bother her, I allowed my daughter  to listen to said song on the computer to see her reaction.  Naive mother that I am, she was totally okay with it (there were even a few giggles).  So now on Sunday, Hubby and I will sit at home while our daughter goes with BFF and her mom to the show with the song that I didn't want her to hear in the first place.  Ironic ain't it?