Involuntary Nastics at the Gym

Well it finally happened.  I dreaded it.  I tried to avoid it.  I even had nightmares about it.  I actually fell off the treadmill at my gym.  It happened simply enough.  My phone was in the holder on the machine.  I hit a button and went to move my hand back and caught the wire of the ear buds.  My phone tumbled to the running belt.  Of course, my instincts kick in and I try to grab it but since I am incapable of doing two things at once, my feet stopped walking.  Within a half a second, I realized I needed to keep walking but it was too late.  By that point I was flailing with one arm and holding onto the side of the machine with the other.  I let go of the side, stopped flailing, and just let myself be ejected off the back of the machine.  I must have kicked my phone at some point because it was still on the treadmill and was ejected after me.  The entire time I was thinking "I can't believe this is happening."  Luckily, or was it by divine intervention, I was able to stick the landing.  I managed not to fall on my ass.  My niece would have been proud of my "nastics" moves but I highly doubted anyone else in the gym would be appreciative of them.  I looked around and saw everyone in the gym, ears plugged with ear buds, continuing on with their workouts.  Even the folks at the desk didn't seem to notice.  I was grateful for this but also a bit unnerved.  I just wiped out on the treadmill in grand fashion and nobody noticed.  What if I had been really hurt?  Would someone have come to my aid?  I was in the back so I guess that helped my anonymity.  Still.  I could have used a "poor baby."  And as for not hurting myself, that train quickly left the station.  I finished my workout but my arm was hurting a bit.  As the evening went on, I became more sore in the realm of my right arm.  Today, it hurts to type this and I can't lift my right arm without the fear of vomiting in pain.  It'll be a trip to the urgent care tonight for me.  Is it sad that I know the x-ray guy at the urgent care by name?  And it's January so that means deductible time.  So I'll be paying full price for my exam and x-rays.  It'll cost more than the year long membership at my gym.  So if I had never gone to the gym, I'd have my membership money, my x-ray money, and not be in constant pain?  Sounds like the gym is the problem here.  Or is it just my lack of coordination.  Either way if I hadn't gone to the gym, like ever, I'd be a lot richer and a lot healthier.  That doesn't quite seem right.  But what's done is done and what's injured is injured.  At least I don't have to come up with a disguise to go back to the gym.  But I will be forever haunted by the idea that somewhere out there in interwebland there may be surveillance camera evidence of my treadmill dance with death.

Sandy Toes, Salty Kisses, and Butt Support of the American Revolution

I suck.  I suck, I suck, I suck.  I really want to be better at this blogging regularly but blogging occasionally is a hell of a lot better than not blogging at all.  Funny, I feel the same way about exercising as I do about blogging.  I think about it a lot, but don't actually get around to it a lot.  I saw something online today that said "I am fat because a tiny body couldn't hold all this awesomeness."  I feel this way about 50% of the time.  The other 50% of the time I wonder if chairs will hold me and if I will fit through certain places.  This was especially true on our recent vacation to Virginia Beach and Colonial Williamsburg.  The day we arrived I felt tremendously self-conscious and we didn't even put our swim suits on.  Day two I warmed up to the beach and stopped worrying about what I looked like and enjoyed myself.  I'm not very happy that there are pictures to prove this beach vacation but whatever.  When we left the beach and headed to Colonial Williamsburg, I thought I was in the clear - no such luck.  I forgot about one thing - the dreaded Colonial chair.  Not only did many of the Colonial doors into the Colonial buildings open in the middle only giving you half the Colonial doorway to squeeze through, but there were these chairs - Colonial chairs - that are historically accurate to the Colonial time period in material and construction.  Apparently, I am not historically accurate to the Colonial time period because these suckers hurt.  They were about half the size of my butt with knobs that poked in some not-so-comfortable places.  And that was just the design.  The materials used to make said chairs would creak and snap and basically make you feel like its the soundtrack to your ass falling on the Colonial floor.  But I survived and promised myself that I would get back in the gym as soon as the patella femoral tendonitis I had was healed.  That and as soon as the gym we joined was back in business after THE TORNADO!  That's right!  We joined a gym down the street and within a month I had hurt myself and shortly thereafter the gym was hit by an EF1 tornado.  Luckily, we were not there.  Even though it was our usual day and time to go, we didn't.  But I'm thinking there's no way more direct for God to say be happy with who you are first and if you then still want to change yourself - all the better - than with 100mph rotating winds.  So as the gym heals and I heal, I tried to take stock of my self-worth and self-esteem and realize that I am fine.  I like me.  No, I love me.  And I want to slowly but surely improve me - for my health and my family, not for vanity or appearances.  And if I ever find a time machine or develop a means for time travel, I will omit the Colonial period as a destination option. 

Sam's Club, Celtic Tradition and Malfunctioning Pants

Yesterday I went to the celtic festival in Downtown and it was pretty fun.  At first I didn't want to go, my mind being all "there will be a million people there all out to get you by judging you to death."  But I stifled that internal voice and went anyway - after taking some wonderful calming drugs.  With the drugs I was all "I like their knots so why not."  Then I laughed for about five minutes because of my punny use of the word knot/not and because of those wonderful drugs.  So anyway, we went and walked around and I purchased a nice pair of earrings that I won't be able to wear for like 6 months because I just got my ears repierced and I'm a rule follower.  We were about to leave when I spotted the chocolate dipped cheesecake on a stick booth.  I'm pretty sure a light shone down from heaven onto it while choirs of angels began to sing.  I indulged and now I know that the celtic people are out to make me fat.  I didn't enter the calories for it on my lose weight app.  In fact, I haven't entered anything since our mini-vacation to Hometown.  I also haven't ventured onto a scale since before that event.  There was way too much eating without thinking while we were on our mini-vaca so I abandoned my fat tracking for wanton eating.  Which is similar to wonton eating because both are delicious and not so good for your waistline.  But I think my waistline may be shrinking because my pants are loose and falling down.  I'm serious.  I feel like a teenage boy who thinks they are cool but not really because I believe in belts as opposed to showing the world my undies.  But I don't really believe that I am losing that much weight that my pants are loose and falling down.  I am convinced that this is a malfunction of said pants.  How pants go from fitting to magically malfunctioning is beyond me but mine are totally malfunctioning.  All of my pants.  How can I be expected to function like a normal person with malfunctioning pants.  I would go shopping for new pants but that would just be because I love shopping and find that it gives meaning to my life rather than actually buying new fitting pants that will no longer fit once I eat another chocolate dipped cheesecake on a stick and one fourth of a half gallon of ice cream.  It was called Skinny Minty and is supposed to be low calorie ice cream but I doubt that means you are supposed to eat it in bulk straight out of the carton.  I have also been consuming large amounts of Combos as of late.  That is not my fault either.  It is the fault of Sam's Club.  Actually, it is the fault of my dad for taking me to Sam's Club but that totally cannot be true because my daddy can do no wrong.  He's my daddy.  I am such a daddy's girl.  Sometimes I think my mom gets upset that I call myself a daddy's girl but that's just the way it is.  Maybe my daddy can take me to Sam's Club for some new pants.  Ooooo and then we could get that yummy ice cream on the way out!  Sounds like a plan :) 
P.S.  I am surprised they let me into the Sam's Club but I will save that for my next post.

Six Pounds of Happiness

I'm here again to keep everyone updated on . . . well . . . everything.  The girl that went missing from Far Away has been found.  I don't know much beyond that she is back home and says she is fine.  The man she was with, whether voluntarily or not, has been arrested.  He wasn't dumb.  He didn't take her across state lines so that it wouldn't be a federal issue.  But she's home and that's what is important.  Now hopefully child services in Far Away will get on the ball and put her someplace where she will be monitored and supervised better than she has been before.  As for the home business, I am learning tons.  See apparently the site I am using to sell my wares is kind of like a cult for some people.  These are the people who have thousands of views of their items.  They join teams and promote each others work whether they like it or not.  I'm not really down with that.  I've join a few teams to promote my stuff and to help others promote their items that I like but I'm not going to blindly promote someone just because they are in my group.  They also have these, for lack of a better term, buying trains.  They make groups within the teams and all buy off of each other.  Good because you sell stuff but bad because it is going someplace where it may not be appreciated.  I would rather know that my stuff is going to a good home than to sell just for the sake of selling.  There are codes and names for stuff and cliques and all kinds of stuff.  Its a little scary to be honest.  Some people really get into it.  I have benefited from learning about these games, clubs and abbreviations but I have to draw the line somehwere or I will go crazy and be on the computer all the time.  Not something that I really desire.  Something I do desire however at the moment is dinner.  Yeah, its only 3:30 but I am soooooo hungry.  Hubby and I have been doing this calorie counting app and it seems to be working.  After three weeks of doing it, I got on the scale and was 6 pounds lighter.  Yay me!  The problem now is that I am convinced it was a fluke and I am afraid to get on the scale again and see that I am right back where I started.  Don't think I could handle that.  Oh, and the lady who took over for me at my old job called me twice yesterday to ask me basic beginner office type questions that she should have been able to figure out on her own.  Oh well, maybe they'll realize what they had now that its gone.  I will no longer be answering the phone when private caller numbers call.  It could be her asking me what to do when her pen runs out of ink.  Lol!  Really.  They were that level of question.  I swear.  So, to recap - one girl home, one girl skinnier, and one girl lost in officeland.  Got to go.  Hubby is home and that means I can eat dinner.  Yes, I know that dinner at 4 p.m. means I should be over the age of 70 but I don't care.  See ya later!

What a Weekend!

Things I have learned this weekend:

10) My daughter is addicted to reruns of Grey's Anatomy.

9)  I don't wish that I was young again.  I just wish I posessed the same potential I did when I was younger.

8)  Getting healthy isn't a punishment - its a wonderful, hopefully achievable, goal.

7) I like walking downtown in major cities - even though they can sometimes smell like poo.

6) I am severely addicted to Powerade Zero. 

5) It is possible to sleep without the air cleaner, fan, air conditioner, night light and television on. Not well, but possible.

4) Don't read Dean Koontz when the power goes out.

3) Cirque du Soliel is even more amazing in person. Everyone should see it at some point in their lives and now I can cross it off my bucket list.

2) Skateboarding dogs are even funnier in person. I can also cross this off my bucket list.

1) I am obsessed with death.  Big time!

Look Out World, Here Comes Superwoman!

I am on an upswing!  Must be a few good bipolar days for me or something because I have made so much progress yesterday and today.  Yesterday I woke up in a funk.  I could practically see the dark cloud over my head.  It was awful.  I felt hopeless.  I felt despair.  I felt totally useless.  I called my boss and took a mental health day from work and then I talked to a great friend online and did something I didn't know I was going to do that day.  I chucked the new therapist I had been seeing.  That's right.  I kicked her to the curb.  I called (lauckily getting her answering service) and cancelled my appoinment for Friday.  It was like the heavens opened and light was shining down on me.  All of a sudden I had this huge weight lifted off my back that I didn't even realize was there.  I had been dreading my next appointment and now that I had scrapped that I was free.  I called a new therapist and explained to her that what I am looking for is talk therapy not behavioral stuff and she said she will be happy to talk to me.  She even got me in within the next two weeks.  I was light as air at this point so I asked myself, what else do I want to do and have been putting off?  So I started today to set up my online shop.  I have enough  necklaces to start one and can make more if I need to but I thought today is the day.  So I went onto the site and set up shop.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be but I am determined.  I have no items in it yet and probably won't launch it until next week.  But I am doing it damn it!  I am going to be happy!  I've even decided to get healthier and Hubby has agreed to jump on the bandwagon.  We are going to do the "Couch to 5K" program.  I have a friend that did it and another friend who is currently doing it so it has a realistic look to it.  I just hope I can ride this high long enough to see some improvements in my life.  So, now in addition to being a blog about a girl who is switching therapists, it will also be a blog about a girl attempting to shed some pounds and start her own business.  See - a little bit of something for everyone.  I aim to please!

Child Endangerment: The New Way to a Thinner You

I saw something the other day that made me scowl.  It was a magazine cover.  No, I'm not a Ryan Gosling fan miffed because Bradley Cooper was named the Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine - although I do have to say, I whole heartedly agree with People.  It was a cover picture of Mariah Carey.  The text was something about her losing like, oh I don't know, 70 pounds or something after having her babies a few months ago.  Ok everyone.  Calm down.  This is not the feat you think it is.  Glad you have your pre-baby body back Ms. Carey but do you really think this is cover story worthy?  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her.  I just don't understand why this is amazing.  She has a personal chef to cook her healthy meals, she has a personal trainer to guide her body sculpting, she probably has a nanny to watch her kids while she does all of this and without a rigorous 9 to 5 job, she has the time to do it all.  What I really want to see is some nobody on the cover of a magazine.  Some mom who has three kids and lost 70 pounds while only finding minimal time to workout and being forced to eat fast food due to time and financial constraints.  Now that would be a story.  Make it real like we women really are.  I tried losing weight after having my baby.  She was approximately 16 months old and I thought kick boxing sounded fun.  So I bought an instructional video because I didn't have the money to join a gym and/or get a personal trainer.  It went well for the first five minutes but without a nanny to watch my little bundle of joy while I was sweating my way to a thinner me, things were bound to go wrong.  My daughter thought this was a fun game and began to run rings around mommy as she kicked.  I had my timing down pretty good, kicking when she was behind me.  Then the tempo on the video switched and let's just say when a toddler receives a swift foot blow to the head, they don't particularly enjoy it.  We didn't have money to go to the ER so I spent the rest of the day cuddling her apologetically and checking her pupils for signs of a concussion.  So, I think magazines should stop making us feel inferior and start reporting on what is real.  Real problems faced by real people.  Then maybe I'd really buy them instead of just flipping through while in the check-out line.

Fit . . . Fat . . . What's One Little Vowel?

I hate to use the word hate so I will start off by saying I have a strong dislike for my birthday gift from last year.  I requested (well, more like begged for it) and received a Wii Fit plus to go with our Wii.  This was going to make me healthy.  This was going to get me active.  This has done nothing but lower my self-esteem.  I no longer refer to it as the Wii Fit.  I call it the Wii Fat because that's what it calls me every time I get on it.  It does some measurements and calculations and basically tells me I'm obese.  What do I mean basically, I mean literally.  The machine makes my little avatar plump up and says "You're obese".  Oh yeah, this sounds like fun.  I wanna go first - not.  There is nothing about this activity that makes me want to participate.  I'm just waiting for the day that I step on and it tells me to please step back off because I'm too heavy.  There is nothing motivating about a computer humiliating you repeatedly.  Its upsetting.  So what's a girl to do.  My big plan of choreographing an exercise routine has fallen through.  I tried a website called FitDay where you enter what you've eaten and your activity to help you burn more calories than you input.  That lasted all of three days.  I have a lot to do in my life and it just so happens that most of it has to be done sitting down.  I can't finish stitching the blanket for my brother's baby while jogging.  I can't write a letter while jumping rope.  The problem here is, and I'm sure many of you can relate to this, I just can't find the time to exercise.  I guess I have to schedule it in and commit to doing it.  I am a stubborn, competitive girl.  I can do this.  (I think I already made this promise in a previous post.)  I can prove the Wii Fat wrong.  I think I'll start . . . maybe tomorrow.  Yeah, I'll start tomorrow . . . or the next day at the latest but definitely at the latest.  :)

Who Am I Foolin'? Oh, That's Right, Me!

I have figured out a wonderful solution to my exercising dilemma.  You remember my exercising dilemma - I hated doing it and thus just didn't.  Anyway, the solution - music!  I forgot how much I like music.  There is no way I can have music on and not move.  Even while I am sitting here in my chair typing this, I have the music on and am grooving around.  I was a dancer for many, many, many years so I guess its in my blood.  And since I have experience as a choreographer, I have decided to choreograph my own exercise routine.  I'm not going to do 100 squats in a row.  That just won't work with me.  But I will move if the moves are dance related and moving is what counts.  My goal is to get this organized for the new year and start my self-choreographed dancercise program as one of my resolutions.  Its a bit ambitious for me considering I love to just sit on my couch, but I really have to do something.  I don't like the way things are at the moment.  I'd love to be the skinny little dancer girl that I was in college but I realize that's just not going to happen.  What I would like is to not jiggle when I wiggle.  Not resembling jello would be a great start.  The holidays are not going to help which is why I'm not even attempting this until after the holidays are over.  There's no point in making an attempt that you know will be thwarted through your own lack of self-control.  So that's my plan.  P!nk and Lady GaGa, among others, will serve as my personal trainers and will whip my butt into shape.  I just have to remember its not exercising, its dancing.  Can't wait to see how long I can actually fool myself with that one!

Do or Do Not, There is No Try

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a skinny girl.  Nowadays, I need to lose weight.  The more things I try on from my closet, the more I know this.  Sure I joke around about it but I need to figure out a way to actually make this happen.  The problem is two fold: 1) I don't like to exercise and 2) I like to eat.  My weight problem is physics gone bad.  I am a victim of inertia - you know, where a body at rest will stay at rest and a body in motion will stay in motion.  So if I can just motivate myself off of the couch, maybe I can stay in motion and call it exercise.  I am also very persistent.  Well, ok, not persistent as much as stubborn.  Once I start something I will do it every day until I cannot do it one day then the body at rest stays at rest.  I just tend to give up.  One slip and I'm a lost cause.  I know my weight gain has a lot to do with my depression because it was the depression meds that made me gain the weight in the first place, but I think this whole thing has much more to do with my chronic depression than I realize.  When you don't see yourself as having value, why better yourself.  Why put forth the effort?  Which leads you to overeat, which leads you to be more depressed.  How does one break free of this vicious cycle?  I think I have been in denial.  We don't have a lot of mirrors in our house and the ones we do have I avoid.  I feel like the same skinny girl I was back in college and when I do catch sight of myself in a mirror, I am horrified.  To think that I (with the assistance of the meds) caused this.  We do eat out a lot and I'm sure that is not helping.  My Five Weeks to Financial Betterification is passing quickly.  I could easily kill two birds with one stone (a saying which I hate) by eating out less.  More money, less weight.  Win/win right?  So why don't I just do it?  I have to remember that inertia only happens until the object (me) is acted upon by an outside force.  An outside force.  That's it.  If I could just find the force to make me skinny again.  Where is Yoda when you need him?