Shameless Self Promotion

After a disrupted adoption, we are in the process of attempting to adopt again.  If you would like to follow our trials and tribulations as we make our way through this process a second time, please see my other blog "The Butterfly Keepers" at www.wordpress.com/thebutterflykeepers.  Thank you and I hope to see you there!

And Then, There Were Two

I did it.  I drove my daughter to University and left her there.  omg!  I can't believe that I actually did this.  I am a bit numb at this point.  I have to admit that I cried but I was lucky enough to be able to hold that in until we got to the car.  I wanted to turn around and go back the entire way home.  But I didn't.  I did it.  She texted numerous times while we were returning to Suburbia saying how she missed us and I just couldn't express with words just how much I missed her too.  I had to be strong.  I didn't want to be.  I wanted to say "Do you want mommy to come back and get you?"  But I didn't.  I assured her that she will do well, she will succeed and she will be okay.  It feels like someone has ripped my heart out and tossed it aside.  I am spent.  I didn't sleep at all last night and with good reason.  I didn't want to sleep.  I just wanted to sit and watch my baby sleep.  Creepy, yes.  Sappy, yes.  Did I do it, no.  But I wanted to.  We spent the day with her - setting up her room, picking up her books, getting her post box set up, but when it came time to leave - we left.  There were parents who didn't.  There were parents who lingered and stayed simply because the college can't kick them out.  But we did what was right.  We left.  It was what we were supposed to do as parents.  We weren't supposed to hang out and make it harder on her.  We weren't supposed to stay and get in the way.  We weren't supposed to make other students sad that their parents had left and jealous that we had stayed as some did.  We left.  And now we are here.  Here at home.  And it just isn't the same.  It will never be the same again.  She will always be my baby girl but now she is an adult.  I am the parent of an adult child.  Wow.  So that leads me to - me.  Now what?  It will be hard tomorrow when Hubby returns to work and I am here all alone.  No kid to drive to work or pick up from work.  No child centered errands to run.  No evening of hearing about the perils of the daycare toddler-keeper.  It will be hard when I come across things - a book left here, a water bottle left there - all reminding me that she's no longer here.  I will probably cry more.  But then I will smile because I know that she is doing what needs to be done.  She is going for her goal.  She is making me proud.

On My Own, Pretending You're Beside Me

So, its two weeks until The Kid moves into her new dorm and her new life at University.  I know that this is about her, but I also need to be concious that it is about me too.  Yes, it is a big change in her life but it is a big change in mine also.  We have been best buds, partners in crime, twinsies for the last 18 years.  All of that is gonna change in two weeks.  I know that I have to let her go.  I will let her go.  It will pain me and sadden me but I will let her go.  The moving her in and the leaving her there will be hard but I can numb myself through that process.  What will be hard is the coming home.  There will be no more kid in the house.  It'll just be me and Hubby.  That is a strange concept.  See, Hubby and I started dating and were married within a year.  About a month before our first anniversary, The Kid came along.  We barely had time to ever be a couple.  What if we don't function well that way?  What if The Kid is the glue that holds us together?  What if everything begins to unravel?  What am I going to do with myself now that I'm no longer at 24/7 active presence mom?  The last time I went through a major life change if you don't count quitting two jobs was when we bought the house.  We all remember what happened when we bought the house.  I had a nervous breakdown.  I ended up in the psych. ward at the hospital.  I don't want that to happen again.  I especially don't want it to happen this time as The Kid will think it is her fault when its not.  Its just me.  I can't deal with major change that easily.  It has already started happening.  I've noticed I am crankier.  I've noticed that I'm not sleeping as well.  I've noticed that I am taking more and more of my tranquilizing meds.  This is not good.  My therapist seems to think that I am doing well and that I am handling things in my life very well.  I put on a good show don't I?  She doesn't know the true me.  I find myself telling her what I think she wants to hear when I am there.  We never really talk about problems.  We talk about what is going on in my life and I emphasize the good and don't bring up the bad.  I don't tell her that I've taken to gagging a lot due to the stress.  Almost throwing up seems to be my body's way of dealing with this impending doom.  See just the fact that I referred to it as impending doom just goes to show how I am viewing this whole thing.  So if there are any empty-nesters out there who have gone through this and are willing to share some advice, I am open to listening.  And for the record, my therapist has already told me the I may want to get another job or start volunteering once The Kid leaves but I just don't feel like that is going to fill the void her leaving will cause.  It would be like taking an empty can of coke and filling it with water.  You've filled it.  Its full.  Its just not right though.  The water just doesn't fit in the place of the coke.  I know it has to happen.  I know I will live through it.  I just don't know how.

Cut the Cord Already

This past Monday was no ordinary Monday.  It was the day that my hubby and I took our daughter to University to get registered for the fall.  They had a day full of activities for the students and parents as well.  I can't really speak for the student happenings of the day but the parent sessions were really interesting.  I learned a lot of little tips for helping my child transition to university life, I was reaffirmed that the things I planned to do were indeed the right things to be doing and I realized that there are some wacko parents out there.  We had a short session that started at 8:30 a.m. and then much to the dismay of some parents, students and parents were split up.  Some of the things that were pointed out to us during those parent sessions were ridiculous - things we have been doing with our child for years.  They were recommending to parents things like "Don't call your child every morning to wake them up or to be sure they have gotten up".  I thought this was a joke.  I chuckled to myself and noticed that aside from Hubby no one else in the room seemed to be amused.  Were these parents actually considering doing this?  That's just crazy.  Your child is old enough to be responsible for rising and shining on their own.  If your child is not capable of doing this on their own, how did they get through high school.  Then it hit me - mommy and daddy.  These are the dreaded "helicopter parents" that I had heard about when my daughter was in junior high and high school.  They do everything for their children.  The thing is I didn't realize that this continued through college.  I can't imagine calling my child's professor to clear up an issue.  If you do that, at what point do you stop doing things like that.  Do they call their child's boss when their child wants a raise?  Where does it end?  My daughter heard my husband and I discussing this crazy style of parenting and shared with us a story she heard of one university student who regularly sent her homework home for her parents to do.  Are you kidding me?  You are paying big bucks for your child's education at this level.  Wouldn't you want them to actually GET that education.  Who knows - maybe it's just one of those urban myths of college.  I hope it is.  All I know is that I plan to not be a helicopter parent in any way, shape or form and should I have to deal with said "helicopter parents", I'm not sure how much patience I'll have.  Parents, at this age your children are adults, young adults, but adults nonetheless.  Allow them to function as such.

Missing the "Mommy Days"

 OMG!  I just dropped my daughter off for her last day of high school - EVER!  I can't believe it.  Its just not quite sinking in.  I will never drive my daughter to school again.  After all those times when I complained and thought of how I would rather be sleeping in, I'll never do it again.  I feel almost numb about it.  On one hand I am happy because I will get to sleep in.  On the other hand she has grown up way too fast.  When I dubbed 2012 "The Year of Change" I wasn't really thinking of all the changes that were coming that were beyond my control.  My daughter wants to get a job for the summer and there is part of me that hopes she doesn't find one.  There is a part of me that wants to spend the summer with her just hanging out and enjoying each other's company.  But once again, that is part of my delusional little world.  If she is here all summer with no job, we will most likely get on each other's nerves and under each other's skin.  A shame really considering I consider this her last summer of being a kid.  This is it.  In the fall she'll go off to college and BOOM - adulthood hits.  I look back at the years past and they are full of wonderful memories but now that will change.  There may not be family vacations.  There may not be weekends with pajama days.  I guess everone with children goes through this at some point but I can't help but think it is harder on those of us with only one child.  If you have more than one, when the first one goes off to college you still have the others at home and by the time the last one goes off to college you are already a veteran of the process.  For those of us with one child it hits us extra hard.  Right now I am trying to figure out how and when this actually happened.  When did I get so old that I have a child going off to her last day of high school?  Nothing like adding to my mid-life crisis.  I am going to hit 40 hard next year.  In the meantime, I have to figure out my new identity since I will no longer be mommy.  I will always be a mom don't get me wrong but those "Mommy Days" of her needing me on a daily basis are quickly drawing to a close.  "Mommy Days" - how I will miss you!  So if you have kids, hold them, hug them and hang onto those "Mommy Days".  The time when they will be spreading their wings and leaving the nest will be here before you know it.

Seriously? Are You Kidding Me?

Sorry its been a bit since I blogged.  I had some ideas for various blogs and maybe I'll revisit those in the future but what got me off my lazy ass and typing today is that my frustration level is through the roof.  If you've been following along over the last year and a half or so, my family almost adopted a young lady from a state that's Far Away.  We didn't go through with it because she had family in Far Away that claimed they wanted to adopt her.  Even if they didn't formally adopt her, we didn't feel it was right to move her to Suburbia.  (Please see previous posts for the whole heart-wrenching story.)  Well, today I found out that said family members with whom she was living have declared that they no longer want her and she has been moved to yet another foster home.  WHAT???  I can't believe we called off our adoption to keep the girl close to family that pulls this kind of crap.  You can't just change your mind like its a sweater you bought at the mall and want to return.  This is a child we are talking about here!  She is a HUMAN BEING with feelings and emotions and . . ugh!!!!!  I have spent the morning texting with her and I just don't know what I can do to help.  I thought Far Away Child Services sucked before, now they officially super suck in my book.  How could this all happen to someone who has already been through so much in life?  Where is the fairness in that?  It seems that in dealing out crappy situations that God could spread the wealth around a little bit.  So now she sits in yet another foster home and I sit here and feel helpless.  It honestly makes me want to call the Suburbia Child Services and see if the adoption attempt can be reinstated.  I don't even know if that's possible but hell, I could do a better job helping her than any of the people in Far Away could.  Maybe getting as far away from Far Away as she can would be a good thing for her.  I hate feeling helpless.  Today is the first day of my "I'm-not-employed-any-more" celebration.  If I hadn't quit, I would be at work right now but instead of enjoying it, I am in a state of mental distress over this whole thing.  I love this little girl.  Even though we didn't officially adopt her, I still consider her family.  It hurts me that another member of my "family" is hurting.  I worry about her and what she may do if she gets too depressed.  She has been through a lot in her young life - more than most of us will go through in an entire lifetime and right now I just want to scoop her up and bring her here and show her what a semi-normal, loving family is like.  Guess I'll spend the next few hours just being frustrated and depressed until hubby gets home so we can talk about this whole situation.  Fun day.  Things like whether or not to quit my job and weight loss seem so insignificant when you get the sudden view of the big picture of life as I have gotten today.   Here's hoping I can come up with a solution.

Maternal Contentment and the Art of Philanthropy

I just spent an hour in the basement clearing out old crap.  Hubby was with me so it wasn't too bad.  It basically consisted of me going through boxes and handing crap to Hubby saying "Trash" or "Donate".  We got rid of a lot of stuff - three bags of trash and a bunch of boxes to donate.  It feels good to get stuff cleaned out.  Some of the stuff was trash, some of it was things to be donated without pause and some of it was sentimental in value.  I thought the sentimental stuff would be harder to get rid of but it wasn't.  I stopped at one point on a shirt and thought "This would be cute in a t-shirt quilt".  Then I remembered the pile of t-shirts I already have upstairs that are not yet in quilt form and thought "This would be more beneficial to someone as a t-shirt."  What a beautiful thought.  What a beautiful freeing thought.  I don't know if I've been taken over by the spirit of someone who can actually accomplish this stuff but I was definately on a roll.  I was getting rid of stuff right and left.  I've never felt so free.  It was liberating.  The thing is that I have to be in the mood to get rid of stuff.  It's strange how that happens.  One day I can be holding onto things and remembering old times.  The next day I can be throwing out the thing I was fixated on the day before.  Its strange.  I'm strange.  Now I have a few boxes of papers that I have to go through before they can just be thrown out.  Its sad that we live in a world where you can't just throw things away because someone somewhere might go through your trash.  Sigh.  What a wonderful world we live in huh?  Well, at least nothing happened at the school on Friday although I think if someone were going to do something, they would wait until a day where there were actually people there.  Great.  Now I'm afraid to send my daughter to school tomorrow.  I tell you where I am not sending her at the moment - Walt Disney World.  Yes, I decided that my daughter's education is more important than a trip to Orlando.  It was all just too much.  The dates were wrong.  The flights cost a lot.  Most of the hotels were booked up.  It was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  Just wasn't going to happen.  So I sit here - mouseless and wonder what tomorrow will bring.  Guess I'll go work on my "Good Things About Me" list.  I guess considering the concession I made about the Florida trip, I could start off with "a good mom".

Suburban Scare

I am kind of freaking out at the moment.  I know - so what's new with that?  But I am seriously serious this time.  Not that I'm not serious any other time but . . . ok, to the point.  I just got an e-mail from my daughter's school saying that a threat has been made on a bathroom wall by an unknown person that states that "something" will happen at the school on Friday.  What?  You send me this in an e-mail?  This is serious stuff people.  I'm hoping like everyone else that it is just a hoax but in today's world, you cannot afford to think that way.  The e-mail said they are taking it seriously and are upping the police presence at the school this week but that really doesn't help me to feel any better.  I want to go to the school right now and pick my daughter up and home school her for the rest of the year.  I'm assuming that the kids don't know yet because as of my dropping her off this morning she had no clue but then again neither did I.  Why weren't we told of this yesterday if they found it after school!  Why wait till all the children are at the school and at risk the next day to let everyone know.  Probably because they were too busy with their levy last night.  I don't know.  I'm just still kind of freaking out.  I've talked to a few friends but its hard to understand until its your kid in the face of possible danger.  When you see things like this on the tv, they almost don't seem real.  You think "what is this world coming to?" but its the world out there not the world in here.  This time it is my kid.  This time it is my community.  This time it hits home.  I just checked some of the social networking sites and they are talking about it.  It is supposed to be a school shooting that will happen.  Great.  No school for my daughter tomorrow or Friday.  I'll be keeping her home.  Call me paranoid but if you get a warning wouldn't you heed it?  I'm having enough trouble not putting my coat on right now and going over and getting her out of school.  But she's there.  And I'm trying to trust that she is safe.  But once she is home I'm not giving her back.  This when there was just a facebook posting about a potential shooting planned at the middle school yesterday.  With that threat, they evacuated the school and diverted busses.  With this one, they wait and let the kids come to school.  Doesn't make sense to me.  Seems that a second threat in as many days would warrant a more cautious approach.  I don't know what they're thinking.  Unfortunately for this post I have no witty ending.  Let's just hope in reality its a happy ending.

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round - Except in Suburbia

Wow!  I can't believe that January is half over and I have only blogged on here twice this month!  Having bronchitis didn't help but honestly, there hasn't been that much happening that I've felt the need to share.  I went through a bit where I didn't want to just air out my frustrations on here but when I decided not to do that I realized I didn't have much else to say.  Oh well.  I guess its back to venting my frustrations.  Today, I shall tackle the Suburbia school district.  See, their tax levy didn't pass back in November.  Their solution to saving money has been to eliminate all bus service for the high school and require all students within a two mile radius of the school to walk to the middle school.  There are plenty of other misappropriated funds that they could move around in my opinion but nobody asked me and this is what they decided upon.  Nice huh?  So now every day, I have to get up, get dressed (who am I kidding, I go in my jammies), and take the child to school.  Then in the afternoon, I have to go pick her up.  Life will continue every stinkin' day like this until she graduates in June!  That is a long way off and a heck of a lot of dropping off and picking up.  It wouldn't be that bad if she wasn't one of approximately 2,800 students getting dropped off.  This has created quite the traffic hassle.  I have to go at like 2:30 p.m. to get in place to pick her up at 3:05 p.m.  Nothing like wasting a half an hour.  But not tomorrow!  No.  Tomorrow is "Wisdom Tooth Day" mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Yes, tomorrow our daughter is getting her wisdom teeth out.  I really don't know what to expect.  My two wisdom teeth came in and then I had one removed.  Still  have the other one.  Hubby had his out as an adult.  I remember him eating lots of mashed potatoes and jello but I think I have blocked out all the bad stuff.  I am nervous by proxy for tomorrow.  I saw a piece one time on Dateline or something where this guy had his wisdom teeth out and he lost basically all of his mental capacity.  I know, I know.  That's a once in a lifetime story and I shouldn't be afraid of that actually happening but I'm a mom and that's what I do.  So tonight, we will take our non-bus-riding daughter out to eat super crunchy food for dinner and swing by the grocery to load up on jello, mashed potatoes, soup, mac & cheese, and anything else that doesn't require much chewing.  Hey, at least she'll be off school for a few days so I won't have to deal with driving her.  See, there's always a silver lining.

12 for 12

My thoughts have been rather scattered lately.  My ADD is in overdrive and with the holiday fast approaching, this is not a good thing.  So today I've decided I'd give you a taste of what goes on in my head.  In honor of 12/12, here are 12 things that have been on my mind.

12.  Why is my house so hot in the daytime?  I'm talking like Jamaica hot.  If we turn the heat down then we are too cold later in the day.  It could just be me but I'm too young to be getting hot flashes.

11.  How did we get so much Christmas stuff?  It seems like Hubby just keeps bringing more and more of it up from the basement.  I have no idea how we have accumulated so much . . . well . . . Christmas crap.  Its festive and I love it.  Its just that there isn't room in our tiny townhouse for it all.

10.  Why is it that every time some little bitty thing goes wrong at our house in the next town over that we are renting out . . . anyway, why do they call property management every time?  Instead of checking the fuses, they just call and say that the indoor garage opener isn't working.  Fine.  Check the fuse and if that's not it then DEAL.  You still have two garage door openers and the keypad on the garage.  Its a one car garage.  Do you really need that many ways to access it?  I swear when I agreed to give these very young boys a chance, I should have realized they were spoiled rotten.  If you asked me right now if I would renew their lease in 2012, the answer would be NO!

9.  I think we may be a mite-free home.  They seem to be gone.  Fingers crossed.  Knock on wood.

8.  I am getting very restless at my job.  I don't know why.  Its not hard.  Its just annoying.  I can't imagine having the commitment of a career and working full-time, but I feel like I want more.  I really should get into this writing a book thing that I keep thinking about.  What harm would it do?  Maybe after the holidays.

7.  My daughter is going to college.  My daughter is going to college.  My daughter is going to college.  Maybe if I say it enough times, I will be ok with it.  She has gotten into the College Down the Street.  She even made it into their honors program.  I know that she will get into others and I am not looking forward to having to help her make this decision.  Choices like which Christmas gift to buy are hard for her because of her OCD.  I can't begin to imagine the drama this decision is going to come with.

6.  Am I blogging just for my own mental health or does reading my blog actually keep people informed on my life and maybe even help them with their problems?  (If nothing else by showing them that we all have problems.)  This blog has quite a few followers but I haven't gotten a new one in quite some time and my other blog http://www.myliteraryopinions.blogspot.com/ only has 5 followers.  It gets more hits than that but only 5 followers is kind of a bummer.  I wonder if I should keep them going?

5.  What am I going to mail my Grandmother's Christmas gift to her in.  I have it wrapped and ready to go in a shirt box.  A typical shirt box.  I wanted to send it Priority Mail so I got one of their mailing boxes.  The one referred to as a shirt box.  The only problem is their shirtbox is about 3/4 of an inch shorter than my shirt box.  Come on people.  A shirt box should be a shirt box.  When will the world get its act together and have uniform standard sizes?

4.  What else can I get my daughter for Christmas?  I have some gifts and some ideas but need more.  If you come up with any, you can comment on this blog.  I just won't post your comment so she doesn't see it.  What would you want if you were a 17 1/2 year old girl?

3.  How come if according to the movie "Fred Claus" when Santa becomes a saint, he and his whole family stop aging and freeze at the age they are at but then in the movie "The Santa Clause 3" he and his wife have a baby how could that happen according to the rules of Santa from "Fred Claus"?  Hubby says they are just movies but I am thinking this is an important thing to kids and what would I say if a random child should ask me?  I think Hollywood should get it together on their Santa lore.

2.  Where am I gonna find the money in our budget to pay for our trip to Hometown between Christmas and New Year's?  I really shouldn't be worrying about this because Hubby took over the budgetting for the year so technically I am giving myself one more month off before I start doing it again but I can't help but worry.  The hotel is like $160 per night.  We are looking at two or three nights.  We don't have that kind of a chunk of change just sitting around.  Besides, if we did I would have already spent it on Christmas.

1.  Is my Grandma ok?  Last week she broke her leg and had to get a rod put in place of the bones between her knee and ankle.  Its times like this when its really hard to live 5 hours away.  I know that my being there wouldn't really do anything except maybe make her smile but I just wish I was.  Calling on the phone just isn't the same.  I miss my Gram.

There you go.  A roller coaster ride through my mind this Christmas season.  I will make my best effort to have my next posting be a more cohesive thought process.  I promise.

Pssst . . . Santa . . . It's Room 104

The saying goes "you can't go home again" and I've decided that is true for me and my family.  We will be going to Hometown for Thanksgiving and between Christmas and New Year if weather permits but we will not be going for Christmas proper.  We will be spending Christmas Eve and Day here in our own humble abode.  After chatting at length with Uncle Fantastic, I came to realize that the experience I wanted my daughter to have didn't really exist anymore.  There was no sitting around the table on Christmas Eve.  It is now done buffet style.  Not that that's a huge change but it made me realize that what I experienced as a child was my childhood, not my daughter's.  Her childhood and holiday traditions involved myself and her dad.  Just our little family of three.  We have our own Christmas Eve party where we gorge ourselves on junk food and play games and/or do activities.  (Last year it was a Wii tournament.  This year's activities are craft-centered.  Just what Hubby was hoping for!  Yeah, right!)  We have done this for years.  Why should I deny her the Christmas traditions she knows just to try to relive my past.  I don't know if they even break the small sheets of blessed wafers at my grandparents house anymore and well, she's too old to crawl under the table when she's finished and tickle everybody's feet.  Besides, the dog does that now anyway.  She needs to stay rooted in her norm - our traditions.  Next year, she may be off to college and coming home for Christmas and that home will be here in Suburbia, not back in Hometown.  This IS her Hometown whether I want to accept that or not.  She grew up here.  This is what she knows.  So while I will be sad for a moment missing another Christmas Eve with my family, I will embrace the fact that I will be having Christmas Eve with My Family.  Besides, how does Santa know what hotel room number you're in anyway?  Not a risk I want to take.   :)

Learning Your Colors

I remember when my daughter was in first grade.  She came home from school one winter day and told me she had some big, important news.  She told me I probably should sit down for this.  I obeyed not knowing what to expect.  She sat down on the couch next to me and very seriously said, "Mom, there are black people and there are white people."  I stifled a giggle and then the irritation grew within me.  We had done so much hard work to raise our child color-blind when it came to people's skin.  We always lived in very multi-ethnic communities.  We never addressed people by the color of their skin.  It was always "The boy in the blue shirt" or "The woman with the baby".  We went to great effort to raise her to see people as people - not as colors.  Then she went to school.  First grade.  They were celebrating black history month and that's where my daughter learned about color.  (She probably would have learned it in Kindergarten but we had moved from another country during black history month of her Kindergarten year so she missed quite a bit.)  It is amazing how something with such good intentions can corrupt such wonderful innocence.  I have to say that that one moment was probably my most proud moment as a parent.  We had done it.  We had raised her color-blind - even if it was for only the first six years of her life.  Thanks American school system.  Thanks.

Lost and Found

Why is it that when you need something you can never find it?  Or maybe its everything you lost is something you need?  Because if it was lost and you didn't need it, would you even realize it was lost?  Either way, we had to make an emergency shopping trip today to get an orange shirt.  See, my daughter's senior pictures are tomorrow.  One of the outfits we had planned was black pants and an orange top (her school colors) to be worn in the picture with her color guard flag.  So of course, we couldn't find it.  We looked in the laundry room, the laundry itself, her closet, her floor (she is a teenager) and even my closet.  That orange shirt was not to be found.  I know when it will turn up.  About dinner time tomorrow.  After the photo session.  I have to admit, I am extremely nervous about this photo session.  More nervous than if I were the one getting my picture taken.  That's because I'm the one that has to pay for the pictures.  That part I am not looking forward to.  $60 for an 8x10.  And we need three 8x10's to begin with.  That's a lot in my book.  So I'm nervous that these pictures won't turn out perfect because if I'm gonna pay that much for pictures, they need to be perfect.  We are supposed to take about eight or nine outfits of which the photographer will pick the four best ones (for photographic purposes.)  They said no white, no pastels, no short sleeves.  That ruled out over half of her closet.  I have news for him, we are bringing clothes that are short sleeved and - gasp! - even some prints.  We had to go out and get some pieces to complete a few outfits and ended up spending over $100 easy - and that was before the pictures!  Then we had to think about jewelry and shoes and hair and make up and then she got sunburned last Thursday so we're hoping her nose isn't peeling tomorrow.  Jeez!  Oh well, I guess that's the price you pay for having a teenaged daughter!  Wouldn't trade her for the world though - unless of course you hold the secret to where all my missing things have gone.  Then we'll need to talk :)

The Unicorns Save the Day - Again!

I tend to overreact.  I admit it.  When I hear something my mind immediately goes to the worst case scenerio.  Upon hearing news, I pick up the glass that was half empty and dump the rest of it out.  Prepare for the worst.  That's my motto.  If your standards are so low, then you are most likely to be pleasantly surprised when things go even slightly better than awful.  My hubby calls it being paranoid.  I prefer to call it being preparanoid.  Because of my outlook, I am usually able to handle whatever life throws at me.  Like today when my daughter called at 8:00 am and told me that we still owed the band/colorguard program at the school $100 and they would be putting an academic hold on her grades until we sorted things out.  Great I thought!  What could be worse than finding this out on the last day of school!  I, the queen of the disorganized, had no idea where the check carbons were or even where the bank statements were!  How was I ever going to prove my being a proper parent and paying the outrageous fee?  Leave it to my hubby to fix everything.  In the land of lollipops, unicorns and rainbows there is not such thing as a crisis.  To my pessimistic surprise, everything was rectified by noon and we were on our way to have lunch with our senior.  Yeah, today our daughter officially became a senior.  She was delighted and petrified at the same time.  Thrilled to be a senior, she has repeatedly expressed her desire not to grow up.  I love my little Peter Pan and assured her that she has some time before she has to grow up.  Because honestly, she's not the only one who isn't ready for it.  I just hope before the time comes for her to enter the real world,  that I have joined my husband and his ability to expect the best.  Look out unicorns, here I come.

Cannonball!

Ok peeps!  I am finally back.  After our visit from Frontrunner was set for this week and then cancelled Monday of last week, she actually came Thursday of last week with less than 48 hours notice.  What a roller coaster!  Things went well during her stay and tears were shed when she left yesterday.  It looks like this may really work out.  Provided there are no surprises, she should be coming to live with us at the end of June.  Her visit here allowed us to be more at ease and thus more ourselves which helped contribute to everyone being more comfortable.  She and our daughter got along well.  Our daughter said to me at one point "Mom if there's something she does that I don't like or agree with, I just think of you and Uncle Crazy (my brother).  You two don't like all the same things and don't always get along but that's what having a subling is about."  Quite insightful for being raised an only child.  Frontrunner has decided to change her name - first, last and middle.  New name, new start.  She will be taking our last name - something that makes us very happy.  There will be much teaching and guiding and modeling to be done but she was showing signs of accepting a positive influence.  It will be a change.  There is no denying that.  But the change is one I think we as a family can handle.  We as a family meaning all FOUR of us.  Here I go again, jumping in the deep end but at least this time I got to dip my toes in the water first.  Now I feel like its me jumping and not being pushed in.

Snow, Swimming & Broken Hearts

April Fool's Day and I just got back from sitting in a hot tub watching the blustery snow fall outside.  Nice April Fool's Day joke mother nature.  Real funny.  We were supposed to be leaving Faraway today but thanks to about a foot of snow that continues to fall, we get to spend an extra day (in the pool once again) with our Frontrunner - who I might add is our only candidate.  At this point after driving for three days, meeting her and spending constant time with her for the past 48 hours and the next 24 as well, if this does not go through and actually happen, I don't know if I could start the process again.  We are hooked.  She has melted our hearts and we wish we could take her home with us tomorrow.  We checked and, well, we can't.  This will be the hardest part.  Leaving her here.  We have to wait about three weeks till it is her turn to visit us in Suburbia.  Then we have to wait a good two months for her to be able to move down to live with us.  We think that it would be better for her to move down sooner.  She could finish out the year in the Suburbia Middle School and make some new friends before she gets lost in the shuffle of the monster beast that is Surburbia High.  We thought it might be easier than her waiting until her school lets out at the end of June, but her worker says the dreaded red tape can't happen any faster.  Frankly, I think it is mean to say "Here is your new family for three days.  Now say goodbye to them.  Its ok.  You'll see them again in a few months."  But that's how the child welfare system works in this country.  Fractured and broken.  There will be tears tomorrow.  I am sure of it.  She has already asked us to take her home with us when we go.  At the mention of our leaving, she gets quiet and withdrawn and depressed.  I know the people on her team are professionals who are supposed to have her best interest at heart.  I just hope someone listens to what she actually wants.  I hope her voice gets heard above all of the political din.

I Got an A in Muppets Mom

What is going on with our education system?  My daughter is watching 80's videos as an assignment for her history class.  Huh?  What?  Yeah.  Watching videos for homework.  This particular teacher just doesn't understand the meaning of the word HISTORY.  Granted, technically history is anything in the past.  But you'd think for high school students that would mean wars and presidents and dates, but no.  This teacher thinks Recent US History is the same as Pop Culture.  I think pop culture has its place - maybe as a class in say, college.  But high school kids should be learning the fundamentals of history.  My daughter can't tell me who the president was before Ronald Reagan but she knows all about one hit wonders of the 80's.  They have had quizzes with questions like "Who is the founder of the muppets?" instead of questions about the Vietnam War or Desert Storm.  One assignment had them watching YouTube videos of 1970's Saturday Night Live Skits.  It was a huge challenge for Hubby and I to even find some that were appropriate for her to take to school.  Let alone help her to relate the skits to things happening in the 70's.  In the 70"s was birth through 7 years old for me.  I don't remember much from that time period.  I was busy with Barbies and Playdoh.  The point here is this - they say you should learn history so that you don't repeat it.  At this point, my daughter may be too dependent on foreign oil, involve herself in disputes outside the US and vote people into positions of power who don't have a clue what they're doing, but she will never wear neon colors, listen to Devo, or see cheezy 80's movies - other than the one she had to do the report on.

What? Its not a baby?

We are adopting an older child, a 13 year old child to be exact, and what I want to know is - why is this an issue.  The main issue I have is that there is a total lack of support for this type of adoption.  Take announcements for example.  When you have a baby or even adopt a baby , there are numerous places where you can get birth or adoption announcements.  I was excited when I heard this thinking I would be able to get some for when we finalize our adoption.  Wrong.  I checked into numerous websites that advertised adoption announcements.  What they should have advertised was adoption announcements for children under the age of 5.  I'm not sure how my new daughter would feel about adoption announcements with duckies or booties or a stroller on them but that's what they've got.  I guess I'm on my own to figure out how to share our big news when the finalization date comes.  Even some friends and family are a little lacking in their enthusiasm.  I don't know if they are worried we will be getting "damaged merchandise" or what but it would be nice to feel the warm fuzzies I know I would feel if it were a baby we were having or adopting.  Another example would be the shower factor.  While I understand a baby comes with a need for many specialized things, teenagers don't exactly come with their own set of everything they need.  We will need sheets, blankets, etc. to provide a nice place for our new teen to live.  Everything we already have is basically in sets of three.  We will have to get more bath towels, more pillows, and even things the child may be lacking like more clothes.  Seeing as she will be coming from a different state, she will most likely need some climate appropriate clothes.  And I'm not just looking for someone else to foot the bill.  We have purchased a new bed and a new dresser and numerous other things already.  Just the idea of a party to introduce the new child to the family/community would be a welcome idea.  I don't know maybe I'm overthinking this but when you have a baby or adopt a baby there are a dozen people waiting to throw you a shower.  Nobody says a peep about throwing a shower for an older child.  Nobody is chomping at the bit to throw a welcome party.  We will be having a party but it will be us having the party.  But as usual, we will find a way.  We will find a way to make this family addition as celebratory as possible.  But we will most likely be doing it on our own.  Why am I surprised?  This just falls in line with so many other things in life for me.  I just have to take the bull by the horns and as Tim Gunn would say "make it work."

Success ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! And Now the Scary Part . . .

I am officially a mom-to-be again!  No, I'm not preggers so don't even ask.  Yesterday, we had The Big Meeting about our Front Runner.  It went wonderfully.  Everyone was in agreement that it sounds as if our family and Front Runner are a great match!  Woo hoo!  The search is finally over!  No more hunting for potential new daughters.  No submitting our homestudy just to be told no.  This is it!  We even finished the video we had to make of ourselves.  Imagine someone telling you to make a video of yourself and giving you basically no guidelines but you know that this will be the most important video you ever make in your life.  It was tough.  What do you say?  It turned out to be ok I guess.  It is reflective of who we are and hopefully it won't scare Front Runner away.  (fingers crossed)  Today after wrestling with our scrapbook to get it to fit into a box, I mailed off our personal information to be shown to Front Runner next week.  I have never been so nervous in my life!  What if she doesn't like us?  What if she doesn't want to come live with us?  What if she thinks we are just a family of big old goobers?  While I am happy that the homestudy-getting-rejected part of the process is over, I have now realized that the biggest most important rejection could possibly happen.  I am scared.  All she has to judge us by is a scrapbook and a twenty minute video.  How is she supposed to decide based on that?  But I guess we decided on her without ever meeting her.  We didn't see a video.  We didn't get a scrapbook.  Yet we know she is the right one for us.  Hopefully she will get that same feeling.  It's strange to think that I have two daughters.  One is just a couple of states and a technicality away.  Wow!

Rock Sunday

While living in rural England about a decade ago, we decided one Sunday morning that we wanted to go see some of the typical tourist spots.  We decided to go to Avebury stone circle, Stonehenge, and Salisbury Cathedral.  We informed our daughter who was about four years old at the time, that we would be taking a long car trip to visit Stonehenge.  She asked what Stonehenge was and we explained that it was a bunch of large stones in a circle.  Well, like any normal four year old she began to whine and complain about driving over an hour just to see some rocks.  "Well, if you don't want to celebrate Rock Sunday," I said.  "What's Rock Sunday?" she inquired now curious.  I explained that it was a British holiday to celebrate rocks and on that day all of the British people visit stone circles and such.  And just like that, SHE BOUGHT IT.  Oh, we had a glorious Rock Sunday.  We climbed on the rocks at Avebury and bought souvenirs at the Stonehenge gift shop.  (Yes, Stonhenge has a gift shop.  Commercialism at its finest.)  We attempted to visit an old fort but decided against it when we saw the entrance fee.  The fort was carved into a hill so there were lots of rocks there to take our daughters picture with.  But when we got to the cathedral, our daughter questioned why we were there.  There weren't any rocks.  Luckily the cathedral was undergoing renovations.  As we left the beautiful structure, I quickly pointed out the "Falling Rocks" warning sign on the scaffolding near the church.  Oh, she said in a knowing, pre-school way.  Overall, the day was a wonderful experience.  It wasn't until she was much older that we told her it was a ploy and Rock Sunday didn't really exist.  I think there was a little part of her that was crushed when she learned that.  But Rock Sunday will forever live on in our hearts and memories.  So to all of my British friends - Happy Rock Sunday.  May you be blessed with sweetly naive children :)