If Only I was You're-a-peein'

I was pondering what to write as a blog entry today.  Numerous ideas crossed my mind such as my latest tangle with my local pharmacy ("No I will not pay you $322 because you keep pushing the wrong button") but I settled on a topic that I'm sure we are all interested in - the bidet.

WARNING: This blog post contains juvenile wording for natural human processes and parts.  If this will offend you, please stop reading here.  If you're ok with words like pooh and tinkle, please proceed but comments saying how offended you are will not be tolerated.  You've been warned.

I don't know how it came up.  I think we were watching an episode of House Hunters on HGTV and the house the people were looking at had a bidet.  The potential occupants were surprised and in their uncomfortable way made some borderline inappropriate jokes.  But my daughter asked why they had two toilets.  I responded that one was a bidet.  She had no idea what that was so I explained to her that you use it after the toilet and it shoots water on your lady bits to clean you and then blow dries your private zone.  I explained that they are very popular in Europe but nobody uses them in the United States and I got to thinking - why not?  Why are we as Americans not blessed with possibly one of the greatest forms of hygenic cleansing ever invented?  I mean, what are we afraid of?  A little water?  A little air flow?  We pride ourselves in having technology out the whazoo but when it comes to our whazoo we skimp.  I did however have three questions for my European followers who are veteran bidet users.  First off, does water do the job?  I mean the full job.  Let's face it. We've all had those moments where we need to use more toilet paper than an overzealous three year old.  Does the stream of water have some force behind it to force our behind into clean territory?  Second, same question basically but this time it involves the dryer.  Do you end up feeling like you just sat in a puddle?  And latestly, how does one get from the toilet to the bidet without making a mess or leaving a trail?  I mean they are typically positioned close to each other but not THAT close.  Now, given that I have zero patience to wait for my European friends to comment.  I did what any normal American does when they don't know anything about something.  They Google it.  This is where I discovered the Swash 1000 Bidet Toilet Seat.  With an installation time of less than 20 minutes, you too can feel as though you are poohing abroad.  The review was good (Well I guess it was good.  I don't read many bidet reviews so I don't have a standard against which to measure this one.)  It even answered some of my questions.  Yes, the water does the job.  Yes, you still may need a minimal amount of toilet paper.  And with this particular model, there is no messy transfer from seat to seat.  Its an all in one deal.  It even has a smell elimination feature!  The only real downside is that you will hate poohing anywhere else once you've experience it.  You will become one spoiled tinkler.  But I say, bring it on.  Look out toilet paper industry.  Here comes the Swash 1000.  It will put you out of business.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe the supression of the bidet has been formulated by the toilet paper industry to protect their profits.  Like a toilet paper mafia!  See - good things come from waching cable TV and frequent Googling.  Without these, I never could have warned you about the toilet paper mafia.  Feel free to leave your thanks in the comments and remember this is America - it is your right to bidet.  United we Swash!

Oh Yeah, Its Confirmed. I am a Genius!

So my hubby just got home and shared a conversation that he overheard at work today.  He was passing by the "watercooler" and was intrigued by the talk of cell phone signals.  See, we do not get a good cell phone signal here in our house.  Even though we pay our bill on time and our house is located in their "green zone", we get an average of zero bars.  One if we are lucky.  I have found a solution to this that has made my hubby chuckle on more than one occasion.  I hold the cell phone on my head.  Yup.  You heard me right.  I hold the phone on my head which, to me, seems to work.  My hubby insisted that this was a coincidence and not an actual effective method of signal reception.  But today, in the midst of a human systems engineer (I'm not even smart enough to know what that is) my hubby was told that the human skull can actually amplify cell signals!  Who knew?  Apparently I did!  Boo-ya!  In your face guy who almost has his master's degree!  I - am a genius!  When people are walking around holding their phones on their heads everywhere, I can say I was doing that long before it was the "thing to do."  And that my friends makes me a GENIUS!!!  So next time you can't get a cell signal, hold that phone proudly on your head and say "My friend quirky does this all the time and she's a genius."  If contacted, I will confirm your affiliation with me and your cranial/mobile combination.  Oh, but please note, if you too find out that you have been a genius all along and just didn't know it, do not ask said husband how to spell genius.  It kind of ruins the illusion of intelligence.

A New Twist on Technology

I don't know what your idea of happiness is but mine happened today.  Today, on facebook, I received a friend request from - drum roll please - our Front Runner!  I checked my facebook quickly before dinner and there it was.  A friend request of the greatest kind.  I was thrilled.  I was scared.  I was so very, very nervous.  Of course, I accepted right away.  But what to post on her wall?  What do you say?  You want the first words you say to your potential new daughter to be profound and meaningful.  So I went with "Hello".  I thanked her for the friend request and told her I couldn't wait to learn more about her and get to know each other.  I also told her to feel free to ask me anything.  Not very profound but heartfelt and, I hope, meaningful.  I'm still nervous.  What if she doesn't like us?  What if she turned us down but is just curious about us?  I am still a nervous wreck.  With each step we take in this adoption, I think "This is the hardest step" only to get to the next step and think "What was I thinking?  This is the hardest step."  I don't know if it will get any easier but I know that what we are doing is what we are supposed to be doing.  I don't know how I know, I just do.  With each step I hope to get less nervous and scared.  But with each step, I end up more nervous and scared.  I feel like I'm in junior high again wanting the popular kids to like me.  All I want is for her to like me, like us.  Once I know that maybe I will be less scared and nervous and all that will be overcome with just happiness.

Come On. You Know You Wanna. All the Cool Kids are Doin' It.

Happy Blogiversary to me!  I can't believe I've been blogging every day for more than an entire month.  Even more unbelievably, I have been able to uphold a level of non-coma-inducing topics and have not lost every "peep" I have gained.  I appreciate all of my readers and encourage you to share with your social networking friends the blogs that you find particularly amusing.  I would love to expand my audience, the next step in my pursuit of world domination - I mean, spreading humor and cheer.  I love the feedback that I get and would like to create a more interactive environment by addressing some issues supplied by my "peeps".  Blogging has been a great way for me to do some real soul searching and almost has a therapeutic quality about it.  (I say almost because if I admit it is truly therapeutic I would feel obligated to pay you each as I pay my real life therapist.)  I have realized some things about myself over the last month that I was not even aware of.  I have learned by the labels with which I categorize each post that I am often filled with "frustration" and there is a bunch of "crap I don't understand".  Remembering that every post is public has been a challenge but for every subject I tackle, I become more secure in who I am and what I stand for - a great way to progress in the world of self-improvement.  So, if you've ever had the inkling, I encourage you to jump on the band wagon and become a blogonista too.  I'd love to hear what you have to share.

Leave a Message at the Beep ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beep!

Hello.  You have reached my blog.  My blog operates 24/7, 365 days a year.  If you are calling during this time, please pay attention as our options have changed.  If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911.  Press 1 if you would like to read my blog.  Press 2 if you would like to comment on my blog.  Press 3 for the location of my blog.  Press 4 if you would like to speak to a receptionist to make an appointment with my blog.  Press 5 if all of the above apply to you.  Press 6 if none of the above apply to you.  Press 7 if you are blond.  Press 8 if you speak english.  Press 9 if you are under 5'9".  Press 0 to reach the operator or simply stay on the line.  -click-  buzzzzzzz . . .  -  Can you believe something very, very similar to this is what I heard today when I called, of all places, the doctor's office?  I expect this when I call a school, a hospital, or Walmart, but the doctor.  Come on!  When you are sick, the last thing you want to do is push buttons trying to reach an actual live human being.  Luckily, I was not the sick one and had a small amount of patience which was quickly eroded by this wonder of automation.  All I wanted was an appointment.  If I wasn't getting disconnected, I was being rerouted back to the main menu or, even more frustrating, sent to the receptionist's voice mail.  She's the receptionist.  Her job is to ANSWER the phone.  Webster's defines the position as "one employed to greet callers".  What in God's name does a person that has the job of ANSWERING the phone need with voice mail?  What ever happened to answering the phone and putting the person on hold?  At least that way, you can hope they will return and talk to you.  Or even the dreaded busy signal, a thing of the past, would be more welcome than the receptionist's voice mail.  After twenty minutes of pushing button and starting over again, I finally reached someone who transfered me to the receptionist and made sure she would take my call.  I guess she was the receptionist to the receptionist.  I don't know.  All I know is my daughter was hacking up a lung beside me as I journeyed through the seven levels of automated hell.  But in the end, I got the appointment, she got the antibiotics and we got the heck out of there before I got sick and had to start calling all over again.

You Are My BFFNBISYAFRFNRR (Best Friend For Now Because I Sent You A Friend Request For No Real Reason)

I have friends.  Facebook friends.  I am quite picky when it comes to this aspect of my virtual existence.  These are the people who have had some impact in some way however large or small on my life.  What I don't understand are some of the people who send me friend requests.  What are they thinking?  I am not going to give you access to all my personal information, pictures, thoughts, hopes and dreams just because you clicked on my name.  Don't get me wrong.  I have made a few friends through facebook that I consider soul sisters, but I have also added a few crazies to boot.  Some of my favorite catagories include:

"Collectors" - These people will send a friend request to anyone.  They have no idea who you are and they don't care.  As long as their friend count is in the thousands, they are happy.  Quantity, not quality.

"Commentators" - These folks seem innocent enough but they lurk in the background waiting, just waiting for you to change your status then - bing - new comment.  And the comments are often their way of redirecting any emotion evoked by your status to them.  They are the one-uppers of the social networking world.   

"Defendants" - These people get personally upset when you ask them why they have sent you a friend request.  Hey buddy, who approached who here?

"Non-Commitals" - These are people who send you a friend request just to end up dropping you in a few days.  Hello.  Why did you send me a friend request in the first place? 

"Refrienders" - Those who then send you another friend request in the future not realizing that they have already lowered your self-esteem by lowering your friend count.  Thanks for that.

"Friends by Osmosis" - When you make a new friend and immediately get bombarded with friend requests from all of their friends.  We have one friend in common.  Quick.  Let's be pals. 

Can you imagine if we acted like this in real life?  We'd be back on the third grade school yard.  I'm your best friend.  I hate you.  No, I love you.  You're not my friend anymore.  I guess some people never outgrow that method of thinking.  And the trust it takes to just friend someone you don't even know.  Call me too cautious but I just can't do it.  I value my privacy and will continue to routinely inquire about the validity of the requests and purge my friend list often.  Making new friends can be a rewarding experience but in today's virtual world you have to be safe rather than sorry. You never know what kind of nuts you'll find out there.  You found me didn't you :)