Look Out World, Here Comes Superwoman!

I am on an upswing!  Must be a few good bipolar days for me or something because I have made so much progress yesterday and today.  Yesterday I woke up in a funk.  I could practically see the dark cloud over my head.  It was awful.  I felt hopeless.  I felt despair.  I felt totally useless.  I called my boss and took a mental health day from work and then I talked to a great friend online and did something I didn't know I was going to do that day.  I chucked the new therapist I had been seeing.  That's right.  I kicked her to the curb.  I called (lauckily getting her answering service) and cancelled my appoinment for Friday.  It was like the heavens opened and light was shining down on me.  All of a sudden I had this huge weight lifted off my back that I didn't even realize was there.  I had been dreading my next appointment and now that I had scrapped that I was free.  I called a new therapist and explained to her that what I am looking for is talk therapy not behavioral stuff and she said she will be happy to talk to me.  She even got me in within the next two weeks.  I was light as air at this point so I asked myself, what else do I want to do and have been putting off?  So I started today to set up my online shop.  I have enough  necklaces to start one and can make more if I need to but I thought today is the day.  So I went onto the site and set up shop.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be but I am determined.  I have no items in it yet and probably won't launch it until next week.  But I am doing it damn it!  I am going to be happy!  I've even decided to get healthier and Hubby has agreed to jump on the bandwagon.  We are going to do the "Couch to 5K" program.  I have a friend that did it and another friend who is currently doing it so it has a realistic look to it.  I just hope I can ride this high long enough to see some improvements in my life.  So, now in addition to being a blog about a girl who is switching therapists, it will also be a blog about a girl attempting to shed some pounds and start her own business.  See - a little bit of something for everyone.  I aim to please!

You've Got a Friend (Request) in Me

While I am eternally grateful for facebook, I can't help but think about how this tool has manipulated the way in which we think.  There are people out there that have over 1000 friends.  Over 1000 friends?  If I wrote down the names of everyone I've known my whole life I doubt I'd get to 1000.  This person doesn't have 1000 friends.  They have 1000 people that they clicked "send friend request" for.  They obviously don't have the same definition of friend that many of us have.  I don't have many friends.  That is something that I am working on.  Being more social and maintaining relationships with people.  Mostly I'm focusing on tangible people.  Not that I want to literally touch the people.  That would be weird.  I just find that I am much more able to make friends and meet people when I'm on the inter-web.  Having friends in real life is much harder than that.  You have to make an effort to stay in touch.  Its super easy to be friends with someone who is always at your fingertips and just a click away.  Its harder to set up a time to meet and have lunch and chat for an hour or so.  Number one - you have to get dressed.  This can be challenging for those of us with depression.  Number two - you have to fit it in their schedule because if you are a person with depression and anxiety who doesn't leave the house too much, your schedule is pretty open.  Number three - you have to psych yourself up when the times comes and not find a reason to back out which is super easy to do.  If you're depressed and anxious, you have a million excuses at hand.  Number four - you have to maintain a lively conversation.  You have to make enough eye contact but not too much.  You have to think up witty interesting topics.  You have to endure the periodic silences where other people, normal people, would not even notice but where you sit and wonder why you are such a social freak.  And last but not least Number five - you go home and feel triumphant for about half an hour till you start to think about the lunch and wonder if the other person could tell you went through Numbers one through four.  Its kind of like the stress most people associate with dating only you're not dating, you're just having lunch with a friend.  That is what it is like when you have depression and an anxiety disorder.  I'm hoping this doesn't freak out any of the friends that I DO have lunch and coffee with but only serve to help everyone understand how hard it is for us to do these "normal" things.  That is why most of us retreat to our cyber-haven and seek out "friendships" there.  Some of them DO turn into actual friendships that last for years and through much more than most physical friends would weather with you.  But all too often we end up deleted from someone's friend list with no explanation leaving us wondering yet again - what is wrong with us.

What's Next? Picturing my Happy Place?

I went to therapy again today.  This time she wanted to teach me relaxation breathing and I figured I had already paid my $25 co-pay so I should probably give it a chance.  I was open to the idea until she said she encourages her clients to lie on the couch in her office and participate in the exercise.  I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't do it.  Something about lying on a couch in a psychologist's office was just too cliche for me.  I felt like I would have been a satirical cartoon not a reality so I told her I wasn't comfortable with that and that I would just sit up.  I was proud of myself for standing my ground but it made me wonder again if this is the right fit for me therapy-wise.   And I can't help but feel that going on a weekly basis is a huge step backward from my monthly basis I had previously worked up to.  I am used to talk therapy.  I go in.  I talk about my life.  Problems emerge.  I get guidance on how to deal with them.  I go home.  Simple process, right?  Apparently not because that's not the way this lady does it.  I don't know.  Maybe we'll get to the talking part after the relaxation techniques are over.  The problem with that is she shared with me today that there are four, yes FOUR relaxation techniques she would like to work on with me. And she only wants to focus on one per session.  That's an entire month of relazation techniques.  I just want some basic plain old talk therapy.  That's it.  No elaborate psychoanalysis.  I just can't get past the the fact that dealing with my therapist gives me stress.  Maybe I should use my breathing techniques before I go to therapy.  Ah, the irony of it all.

That's Ms. Smurfhead to You!

I did it!  I went and got my green hair fixed and now it is a nice smurfy blue.  I love the way it looks.  And I was even there in a thunderstorm watch and I didn't freak out.  The only down side is she wanted to dye all of my hair which did freak out about a little bit.  I like my natural hair color with the blond and the red mixed in with the brown but she really wanted to do the whole thing so she could "do it right".  I don't mind it.  I really haven't looked at it much because I really don't like to look in the mirror much.  But I'm sure its ok.  Hubby said if I don't tell people that they won't even know but I'm not so sure about that.  I am telling all of you so that kind of negates that.  The worst part was when I was finished.  See our daughter had a function at the school at 6 and my appointment was at 4 and was supposed to last until 5:30.  Well, it lasted till 6.  Right when my hubby was taking my daughter to her function a good 15 minutes away.  So I had to wait a nice 20 -25 minutes in this lady's house just sitting there akwardly talking to her and her sons.  It wasn't bad it was just . . . well . . . weird.  But I'm happy with my hair and that's what matters.  I smell like a chemical reaction.  I may just be getting high off my hair but I have this sudden urge to sing la la la-la la-la la la-la la la. 

Hold: Placement Pending

Another Monday, another week.  I'm alone again.  At home.  Trying to find things to do that I want to do that will make my day feel productive.  Not an easy task considering I don't want to do most of the productive things around here - laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc.  I've already done two pages in the scrapbook that I am making for my daughter's graduation party but that's about it so far.  I got to sleep in because Suburbia High School is having their sophomore students report on time to take the Standardized State You-have-to-pass-this-before-you-graduate Tests.  The rest of the students including my senior are on a two hour delay.  So aside from waking up late and scrapbooking I haven't done a whole lot.  I did chat with the girl we were going to adopt.  She was at school and I probably shouldn't condone her lack of attention to her studies by chatting online with her but . . . oh well, she said they weren't doing anything anyway.  I have to admit that I do still go out on the "kid shopping" website and browse around even though we aren't "actively looking" for another child to adopt.  It is strange to see the girls' statuses change to "Hold: Placement Pending" just to be made into "Available" again at some point in the future because one thing or another didn't work out.  "Hold: Placement Pending" means one of two things - either their cases are being reviewed to see if there is any interest from any prospective parents or there are prospective parents who are going through the process of adopting that child.  At the moment, the girl we were going to adopt's status is "Hold: Placement Pending".  When I originally saw this, I was quite saddened in a selfish way.  She was supposed to be our daughter.  How could she be someone else's daughter?  But I have healthily come to terms with it.  It is best for her.  I only hope that if there is a family who is proceeding with adopting her they a) keep her in her home state where she can see her family on occasion, and b) still allow her to talk to me even though I was her almost mom.  But whatever they decide, having a family is what would be best for her.  I have no claim to her.  I have no right to feel saddened.  She is a family friend and that is the extent of it.  But my heart holds on still.  Why?  I don't know.  I don't know why I can't just walk away.  Why I have to keep this connection.  Why even though she never will be, she still feels like family.  I guess time heals all wounds and eventually the wound that whole experience left on my heart will heal but till then, I will worry about her and wonder if she is being taken care of, if she is happy, and if she really misses me too.

Maternal Contentment and the Art of Philanthropy

I just spent an hour in the basement clearing out old crap.  Hubby was with me so it wasn't too bad.  It basically consisted of me going through boxes and handing crap to Hubby saying "Trash" or "Donate".  We got rid of a lot of stuff - three bags of trash and a bunch of boxes to donate.  It feels good to get stuff cleaned out.  Some of the stuff was trash, some of it was things to be donated without pause and some of it was sentimental in value.  I thought the sentimental stuff would be harder to get rid of but it wasn't.  I stopped at one point on a shirt and thought "This would be cute in a t-shirt quilt".  Then I remembered the pile of t-shirts I already have upstairs that are not yet in quilt form and thought "This would be more beneficial to someone as a t-shirt."  What a beautiful thought.  What a beautiful freeing thought.  I don't know if I've been taken over by the spirit of someone who can actually accomplish this stuff but I was definately on a roll.  I was getting rid of stuff right and left.  I've never felt so free.  It was liberating.  The thing is that I have to be in the mood to get rid of stuff.  It's strange how that happens.  One day I can be holding onto things and remembering old times.  The next day I can be throwing out the thing I was fixated on the day before.  Its strange.  I'm strange.  Now I have a few boxes of papers that I have to go through before they can just be thrown out.  Its sad that we live in a world where you can't just throw things away because someone somewhere might go through your trash.  Sigh.  What a wonderful world we live in huh?  Well, at least nothing happened at the school on Friday although I think if someone were going to do something, they would wait until a day where there were actually people there.  Great.  Now I'm afraid to send my daughter to school tomorrow.  I tell you where I am not sending her at the moment - Walt Disney World.  Yes, I decided that my daughter's education is more important than a trip to Orlando.  It was all just too much.  The dates were wrong.  The flights cost a lot.  Most of the hotels were booked up.  It was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  Just wasn't going to happen.  So I sit here - mouseless and wonder what tomorrow will bring.  Guess I'll go work on my "Good Things About Me" list.  I guess considering the concession I made about the Florida trip, I could start off with "a good mom".

Little Miss Crankypants

I called the girl to fix the color in my hair and she was nice - as usual I just made things out to be worse than they really are.  I have no villian at the moment so I'm kind of cranky.  It is a beautiful day outside and I'm still cranky.  I had a productive day and I'm still cranky.  I had a breakfast date with my hubby and I'm still cranky.  What the hell is my problem?  Oh, that's right, I have Mood Disorder N. O. S.  There I go again.  Making myself be the disorder.  My therapist says that I shouldn't let my disorders define who I am but when your disorders affect majority of your thoughts, actions, and emotions, how do you differentiate yourself from the disorder without ending up with a split personality.  Which, I might add is a whole other disorder. I think I'm just tired.  My doc allowed me to go off of one of my meds upon my request.  Sometimes I get tired of putting so many extra chemicals into my body even if they are needed or have good results.  It was the med that helped me to sleep.  I'm falling asleep just fine but I'm not sleeping as deeply or as soundly as I was before.  When I wake up at night (and I do wake up many times with or without the medication) I find that I am more awake and alert than with my medication which makes me realize that the medication was actually doing something.  The trouble is that I don't want to go back on the medicine but I want to be getting enough sleep.  Whatever.  I'm just cranky and that's the way its going to be today.