He's My "Ken"

So, today I get a call from Hubby just before lunch.  A co-worker/buddy of his has passed a major licensing test and they are going out to celebrate after work.  Ok.  I'm fine with that.  The catch to this one - they want me to come along.  Hubby says I will not be the only one.  His work-wife's real-life husband and son will be there and so-and-so is calling her husband to come.  Great.  What am I supposed to say?  Its not that I'm not happy for co-worker/buddy.  I am.  I just have enough trouble with social situations involving people I know and have things in common with.  He pointed out that our daughter has an after-school activity so we won't be leaving her home and lonely.  There goes my excuse.  I'm going to go to this thing and not know what to say to anyone.  I will sit quietly at Hubby's side and let him be the social one since it is his function.  The trouble there is Hubby isn't exactly Mr. Social Butterfly.  Maybe it will be different since he is comfortable around these people.  Maybe he will prove me wrong and be a Chatty Kathy all evening.  I really considered saying no when he asked if I'd come but what kind of wife would I be if I didn't support him in his supporting others?  So, I'll go.  I'll have a soda since its a pub and I don't drink (neither does Hubby).  I will smile.  I will laugh when appropriate.  I will speak when spoken to.  I will be "Wife Barbie".  I will be a non-blonde, non-sexy, non-skinny trophy wife - there for no purpose aside from  . . . well . . . I would say looking cute but . . . I've seen me.  But I will remember that he loves me and would do the same for me.  So this is what they mean by "wifely duties".  I always thought that was just sex.  This is much more difficult.

Peace, Love, and Pajamas

And today on a lighter note - I love my pajamas.  I stay in them all day if I possibly can.  My family even has "Pajama Days" where we do.  If I didn't have to go to work and retrieve food from the local mega-store, I would live in my pajamas.  There is nothing more comfy and fun than a pair of fuzzy flannels with duckies or monkeys or owls all over.  I love my jammies so much that I have no problem going out in the car in them.  I drop my daughter off for school some days in them.  I pick her up from activities in them.  I will even go through a restaurant drive-thru in them.  I see nothing wrong with this.  My daughter has grown accustomed to seeing me waiting in the car in my pajamas.  My hubby thinks I am insane.  He does not agree with my casual-day-to-the-extreme attitude.  He thinks if you leave the house for any reason, you should get dressed.  I agree with that to a point.  If you are going further than the driveway/mailbox or are getting out of the car, then by all means, get dressed.  But for most of us our car is just an extension of our home anyway.  Why not feel comfortable there?  I wish it was socially acceptable to wear my jammies everywhere.  Imagine being that comfy and cozy at work.  Or how much better shopping would be if you were able to do it in your jammies.  Many people enjoy these now through the magic of the internet.  What is the big attraction to working or shopping from home?  That you can do it in your jammies.  I think that if we all wore our jammies around, we'd be a lot nicer as a people in general.  Can you really be rude to someone decked out in a sheep print?  Could you get made at someone wearing a cows jumping over the moon print?  I think the world would be a much better place if we all wore our jammies around.  Maybe this is it.  The answer to world peace.  Pajamas.  Someone call the UN and tell them I've solved world peace with my jammies.  Now if only I could solve world hunger with my Snuggie.  Hmmmmm . . .

Depression 101

Depression.  By definition - a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, and feelings of dejection.  In reality - a living hell.  You can feel sad, yes, but more importantly and more often than not you just feel confused.  You want to do things but you don't.  You don't know why.  You can't stay focused.  You can't commit to anything or follow through on anything.  You don't want to be alone but you don't want to have to deal with people either.  There is no making you happy.  Your thoughts are scattered.  You ask yourself "What's wrong with me?"  You are disgruntled, mostly at yourself.  Some people think depression is just getting sad or being sad and its so much more, much deeper than that.  You sleep a lot.  To avoid reality.  The average person gets tired and looks at the couch and wants to lie down.  The depressed person looks at the couch, is tired, and wants to crawl under it and hide.  Nobody understands.  Your motto becomes "Why?  What's the point?" and you honestly can't answer that question.  The things that used to make you smile now just make you think.  Everything starts to look pointless, then hopeless.  You stay in.  Seclude yourself.  Think about going out but think "Why bother?"  You get pangs of loss but you haven't lost anything.  You think of yourself as not worth it.  You feel like a failure at everything.  You feel as though you may cease to exist.  You may even wish that you ceased to exist.  Nothing is good.  Nothing is comforting.  Nothing is all there is.  Its a deep black hole without a bottom that you are free falling through without any control.  Its amazing how much you can cry yet you don't know why you're crying at all.  People will tell you to cheer up.  Its not that easy.  Every cell in your brain and your body says the opposite.  People will tell you to snap out of it.  If you could, you would.  Don't they know that.  It is a frustrating disorder made further frustrating because it is misunderstood.  The more people try to help, the further away you push them.  Usually till they give up and you have nobody.  But that's what you've felt all along.  Like you have nobody.  You feel alone.  All alone.  Like it will never end.

If you or anyone you know feel this way, please contact a professional for help.  Therapy and medication management are amazing things that can have a great impact on your life.  You don't have to feel this way and its not your fault that you do.  There is help out there.  Just have the strength and the courage to ask.  There should be no shame in asking for help.

Moving On, Hanging Out and Trying to Look Up

So over the last few days I've been trying to rebound from the catastrophe that was the match meeting.  I'm still not exactly sure what happened there, but they never called to schedule an interview.  I guess we are out of the running which is fine by us.  They really don't seem to want this little girl to get adopted for some reason.  I don't know why.  In the meantime, I have seen about five hundred commercials about adoption stating "you don't have to be a perfect parent" and that "kids in foster care need you".  Um . . . ok.  Then why do they make this process so hard?  But I need to put this behind me and focus on more positive things.  The problem being I can't really come up with many positive things that are happening right now.  I tried to come up with a cheerier topic for today, but just couldn't.  There is the possibility that we may rent our house soon but that has fallen through so many times in the past that I have learned not to get my hopes up.  Our daughter has her first winterguard competition coming up next weekend, but they are nowhere near finished with their routine.  So I may be paying $200 to watch her stand there for large portions of the show.  Today will be spent here in the house trying to find creative outlets to keep my attitude on the up.  I am trying to be optimistic about things but I'm just not sure how right now.  I'm trying not to let the depression creep in but it is so easy to let it consume you.  For those of you who have never experienced depression or had someone in your life with diagnosed depression, it can be very hard to understand.  Its not an easy subject to tackle but I will attempt to get my thoughts together on the topic and have an informative blog about it tomorrow.  I look forward to depressing you in the future.  Well, that came out wrong.  Hell, you know what I mean.

Under the Microscope

I feel defeated.  I finally heard from our case worker and now we have to go for an interview at the other county's social services office.  Its not that I mind the drive.  Its not that I mind answering their questions.  The thing is I don't know what more I can say than what is in our homestudy.  If they don't want us, then eliminate us.  Simple as that.  Just more hoops to jump through.  I'm tired of jumping through hoops.  I'm tired of making phone calls.  I'm tired of shopping for kids online.  I'm tired of leaving messages.  I'm tired of sending emails.  I'm just tired.  This is the first time I have really felt like throwing in the towel.  I don't want to go there and argue and defend myself as to why I would make a great parent.  I have a happy, healthy, well-adjusted sixteen year old daughter.  Can you get much more proof than that?  And all this when I don't even know in my gut if this is the right girl for us or not.  Its like they want a sure thing before they give us the ok.  How can they get a sure thing when we have nothing to go on?  We haven't seen here background information.  We haven't seen her history.  We haven't met the child but its like they want to know that the whole adoption will go smoothly before they go any further.  And in the meantime, they demean us and our case worker.  They question everything that we do.  Every choice that we make.  How do you not take that personally?  They grilled our case worker to the point where she became frustrated.  I have just convinced myself through much therapy that you can't control the "what ifs" in life.  But now I'm going to have to answer all of their "what ifs".  I don't want to play that game.  Its one thing to try to promote yourself and your family through this process.  Its an entire other beast to have to defend yourself and your family which is what I feel we're are about to face.  I have a happy family and a good life and I thought sharing that with another child would be a great thing.  Maybe not.  Trying to keep my spirits up is extremely difficult.  I can feel the depression is looming.  Where's my medication?

Death By Anticipation

Today was the match meeting for one of our potential daughters.  A match meeting is where you've gotten past round one - the social worker - and are entered into round two.  It is where a board of people looking out for the best interest of the child get together and discuss any families the social worker may bring to the table.  We are represented at this meeting by our social worker.  She is there to speak on our behalf.  Today was a match meeting.  It was at 10:30 am.  I got home at 2:00 pm to nothing.  Not an email message.  Not a phone message.  I've checked my home phone, my cell phone, even Hubby's cell phone.  Nothing.  I checked my email.  Nothing.  How does this happen?  This is our future we are talking about here.  This girl may be our potential daughter or may have been ruled out.  One or the other.  But I have no idea!  I mean this is big time important and she just doesn't let us know.  My big fear is that she forgot to even go.  That would just be the icing on the cake for this whole process.  I've sent an email to her but have gotten no response yet.  Even as I write this I keep switching over to my email to check and see if she has responded.  I'm a bit anxious.  I don't really know which way I want this to turn out but I do know one thing - I just want to get it over with and get an answer.  I spent the day nesting away at work.  Cleaning out drawers.  Cleaning of my desk.  Cleaning out my wallet.  Anything I could purge, I did.  Just to keep my mind off of things.  I thought for sure when I got home from work there would be a message of some kind.  Every time I check my email I hold my breath just to have the incoming message be some promotional ad from some business.  What am I supposed to do now?  This is killing me!!!

The Tax Man Cometh

I am super stressed.  Tax time is officially here.  I know that because I have seen approximately fifty H&R Block commercials in the last half hour.  Its still three months until I have to have them done, but our taxes are already freaking me out.  Sure, my OCD doesn't make the whole process any easier.  I have to do a trial run.  Then I have to do a check of the trial run.  Then I do a real copy.  Then I compare the real copy and the trial run hoping there are no discrepancies or else I have to start all over again.  Then, if everything agrees, I have to do a final copy.  Then I make photocopies of the final copy (usually two photocopies) and file them all away in my file drawer.  To make life easier, I could have them done by a professional.  Simple, right?  No.  Not a chance.  See the problem lies in the fact that I have kept no records of anything over the last year.  Medical expenses - no.  Donations to charity - no.  I have been a totally irresponsible adult when it comes to our financial records.  Now, I could do what I have done in the past and just short myself whatever I am rightly owed in exchange for the ease of the standard deduction and an EZ form.  However this year, my husband's company has started to put money in his 401K.  This is diving into a realm that I have no idea how to handle.  Since I have scrimped on the organization of receipts, I must try to educate myself on this new addition.  Go through all the ridiculous rules and changes to see what is what.  Then for next year, there is also the possible added bonus of having rental income/expenses and adoption credits.  But you are my witness, I am vowing to not be so financially naughty in 2011.  I will keep track of receipts.  I will keep a record of donations.  And best of all, I will take that shoebox full of all that crap someone else to do my taxes. 
Now, did I get our 2010 W-2 forms and if I did where did I put them?