If Only I was You're-a-peein'

I was pondering what to write as a blog entry today.  Numerous ideas crossed my mind such as my latest tangle with my local pharmacy ("No I will not pay you $322 because you keep pushing the wrong button") but I settled on a topic that I'm sure we are all interested in - the bidet.

WARNING: This blog post contains juvenile wording for natural human processes and parts.  If this will offend you, please stop reading here.  If you're ok with words like pooh and tinkle, please proceed but comments saying how offended you are will not be tolerated.  You've been warned.

I don't know how it came up.  I think we were watching an episode of House Hunters on HGTV and the house the people were looking at had a bidet.  The potential occupants were surprised and in their uncomfortable way made some borderline inappropriate jokes.  But my daughter asked why they had two toilets.  I responded that one was a bidet.  She had no idea what that was so I explained to her that you use it after the toilet and it shoots water on your lady bits to clean you and then blow dries your private zone.  I explained that they are very popular in Europe but nobody uses them in the United States and I got to thinking - why not?  Why are we as Americans not blessed with possibly one of the greatest forms of hygenic cleansing ever invented?  I mean, what are we afraid of?  A little water?  A little air flow?  We pride ourselves in having technology out the whazoo but when it comes to our whazoo we skimp.  I did however have three questions for my European followers who are veteran bidet users.  First off, does water do the job?  I mean the full job.  Let's face it. We've all had those moments where we need to use more toilet paper than an overzealous three year old.  Does the stream of water have some force behind it to force our behind into clean territory?  Second, same question basically but this time it involves the dryer.  Do you end up feeling like you just sat in a puddle?  And latestly, how does one get from the toilet to the bidet without making a mess or leaving a trail?  I mean they are typically positioned close to each other but not THAT close.  Now, given that I have zero patience to wait for my European friends to comment.  I did what any normal American does when they don't know anything about something.  They Google it.  This is where I discovered the Swash 1000 Bidet Toilet Seat.  With an installation time of less than 20 minutes, you too can feel as though you are poohing abroad.  The review was good (Well I guess it was good.  I don't read many bidet reviews so I don't have a standard against which to measure this one.)  It even answered some of my questions.  Yes, the water does the job.  Yes, you still may need a minimal amount of toilet paper.  And with this particular model, there is no messy transfer from seat to seat.  Its an all in one deal.  It even has a smell elimination feature!  The only real downside is that you will hate poohing anywhere else once you've experience it.  You will become one spoiled tinkler.  But I say, bring it on.  Look out toilet paper industry.  Here comes the Swash 1000.  It will put you out of business.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe the supression of the bidet has been formulated by the toilet paper industry to protect their profits.  Like a toilet paper mafia!  See - good things come from waching cable TV and frequent Googling.  Without these, I never could have warned you about the toilet paper mafia.  Feel free to leave your thanks in the comments and remember this is America - it is your right to bidet.  United we Swash!

Oh Yeah, Its Confirmed. I am a Genius!

So my hubby just got home and shared a conversation that he overheard at work today.  He was passing by the "watercooler" and was intrigued by the talk of cell phone signals.  See, we do not get a good cell phone signal here in our house.  Even though we pay our bill on time and our house is located in their "green zone", we get an average of zero bars.  One if we are lucky.  I have found a solution to this that has made my hubby chuckle on more than one occasion.  I hold the cell phone on my head.  Yup.  You heard me right.  I hold the phone on my head which, to me, seems to work.  My hubby insisted that this was a coincidence and not an actual effective method of signal reception.  But today, in the midst of a human systems engineer (I'm not even smart enough to know what that is) my hubby was told that the human skull can actually amplify cell signals!  Who knew?  Apparently I did!  Boo-ya!  In your face guy who almost has his master's degree!  I - am a genius!  When people are walking around holding their phones on their heads everywhere, I can say I was doing that long before it was the "thing to do."  And that my friends makes me a GENIUS!!!  So next time you can't get a cell signal, hold that phone proudly on your head and say "My friend quirky does this all the time and she's a genius."  If contacted, I will confirm your affiliation with me and your cranial/mobile combination.  Oh, but please note, if you too find out that you have been a genius all along and just didn't know it, do not ask said husband how to spell genius.  It kind of ruins the illusion of intelligence.

Guess Who's Back. Back again. Quirky's back. Tell a Friend.

Well, its been months upon months since I've posted a new blog entry so I figured why not.  I guess I should catch you up a little on whats been happening and what life has taught me over the last three-fourths of a year.  I think the most efficient way to do that would be in the beloved Top Ten form.  So, here goes.

10. Hugh Jackman is real.  Woverine is not.  I will never have a shot at either of them.
9.   Disney is the happiest place on earth.
8.   Projects help you focus and keep your sanity.
7.   Moleskin is a lifesaving invention.
6.   It is possible to be so manipulative that you unknowingly manipulate yourself.
5.   Everyone needs dreams and goals in life.
4.   Turning 40 isn't hard. Its the "being 40" that's hard.
3.   You can't save everyone but more importantly you can't feel responsible for saving anyone.
2.   Life is fragile and shouldn't be taken for granted.
1.   Helping young birds learn to fly hurts in the moment but is the right thing to do. 

So, I guess I'm back.  Not everyday but back nonetheless.

If I Wrote Fortune Cookies

I'm trying - really, I'm trying.  I just can't seem to make this work.  I have tons of opinions about everything that is happening around me, I just feel like I can't voice those opinions.  I tried to come up with some small annoyance to rant on or some great accomplishment to share but I got nothin'.  With all the major stuff that is happening, I just can't be bothered by the little things.  So stay with me peeps.  I am trying to come up with a way to share my opinions.  I guess the best way to sum up all that is happening is with one of my favorite things - a top ten.

My Top Ten Words of Wisdom

10) Money can buy happiness - or at least everything else you need.
9)   It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty if you spill it.
8)   There always comes a point where you need to move on.
7)   Secrets are meant to be kept.
6)   Fake it till you make it can be exhausting if you never make it.
5)   You can't always kill them with kindness. 
4)   Whether you like it or not, things change.
3)   Take it one day at a time - sometimes one hour at a time.
2)   Listen to yourself.  You know more than you think.
1)   Drama will happen, you don't need to create it.

We Interrupt Your Day for this Not So Important Message

According to my husband, I have been neglecting my blog.  I have to admit that this is true.  I want to say there is good reason for this but there really is not.  Since my daughter left for college, I have been through a sort of depression.  It wasn't my normal depression.  I didn't sleep all day and spend my waking hours crying and staring at the television.  No.  This time it totally caught me off guard because it manifested itself differently.  I became obsessed with my online shop and could think of nor do much of anything else.  I made lots of jewelry and marketed a lot.  I even sold my first piece that didn't go to a friend or family member.  But the catch here is I closed out the entire world and secluded myself away.  I didn't care about much else.  I did the minimum to get by.  I missed my baby girl.  And now I am aware of that and trying my best to change that.  I am trying my best to figure out just how life is supposed to be now.  Things are changing.  Things HAVE changed.  And they just keep changing.  Things have happened that I'm not sure I want to talk about here in public.  I mean, don't get my wrong.  I love all my blog readers but there are things that have been happened that are not mine to divulge yet they affect me in a major way.  Because of that, I am not sure what to do.  Do I break confidence or risk betrayal just to include everything honestly in my writing or do I stick to what is happening to me directly and keep what is happening to those around me and who are important in my life the secret I am sure it should be?  I am trying to get back to normal.  I have been reading again as well as posting in my book review blog.  I have written a few letters.  I should call some people that I promised to call and do lunch with but I'm just not up to it yet.  I was going to volunteer but that didn't work out.  I tried to tell one place that I was interested in volunteering.  They gave me a pamphlet and told me to call a phone number.  What do you mean here's a pamphlet, call the number?  I'm standing right here in your facility.  So I kind of gave up on that.  I am feeling a little worthless right now.  Mostly because I am not bringing in any money.  For some reason that makes me feel worthless.  That and the rental house that we own but can't live in because of me is sitting empty and sucking our bank account dry.  Another thing that I feel is my fault.  My hubby says its nobody's fault but then why do I feel like crap about everything.  I am hoping to be able to figure out how to continue my blog while being depressed and maintaining confidentiality.  So please forgive me for neglecting you and I hope that you will hear from me again soon.

When I Grow Up, I Want to be an Insurance Agency

Man what a week!  I thought "Oh this week is gonna go so slow with the kid gone off to college" but it was anything but slow.  I wanted a distraction and boy did I get one.  The main focus of the week was Monday when I was innocently sitting at a red light and WHAM! got hit hard from behind.  I got out of my only-a-year-old SUV yelling "What the hell?" to find a very apologetic and scared high school boy.  He was so young he still had braces!  I took one look at him and thought of my daughter.  How would I want someone to treat my daughter if this happened to her.  So I calmed down and told him to follow me to a nearby parking lot where we could exchange information.  He was standing in the rain trying to write his name and address.  It was sad.  So I invited him to come sit in my car.  He just kept repeating "Oh my God!"  It was actually kind of humorous.  (The panic not the damage to my vehicle)  He tells me how his tires are so bald and didn't work and he can't believe how nice I was being about the whole thing.  I assured him that things happen and what's done is done, no use being mad over something you can't go back in time and change.  He had to call his mom to get the policy number.  He was just so young.  Once we had exchanged information.  He went on his way and so did I.  I went on my way to the Kroger.  This seemed to upset my hubby a little bit.  Apparently when you have an accident you are not supposed to carry on with your life.  You are to immediately report home, call insurance and stay put.  Until what?  I don't know.  But as with every other accident I have had I continued on to where I was going.  I needed tape.  Having an accident didn't change that fact.  (Oh, and it was lunch time so I grabbed some lunch at a local fast food window)  Once home I immediately called my insurance.  I tried to do that from my cell phone but it was a touch tone menu and apparently my cell phone doesn't have touch tone.  It can play Ke$ha when my daughter calls me but it can't beep so that I choose number 1.  Go figure.  Anyway, the insurance tells me that I have two options.  I can 1) call the other driver's insurance and do everything myself, or 2) pay a $500 deductible to have them handle it for me.  What?!?!?  They said they will try to get that money back from the other driver's insurance and reimburse me for the $500 but I thought a deductible was what you paid when it was your fault that there was an accident.  I have had three previous accidents.  Two weren't reported due to circumstances beyond my control and one was a "no fault" in a parking lot fender bender.  I had to pay my deductible then but my insurance was paying for the repairs.  I guess I just don't understand why I have to front the deductible when the other driver fully admits fault.  What if I didn't have that money to spare?  I'd be screwed.  I'd be stuck handling everything myself.  In which case, what the hell do I have insurance for?  I pay them a hefty sum every six months to do potentially nothing?  I don't get it.  I'm thinking maybe I need to go into the insurance business.  Collect a couple hundred twice a year and tell people they have to pay me more when they are hit or I won't do anything.  Sounds like a nice free ride to me.  The adjuster even had a fancy name for it.  Subjegation or something like that.  Just in case you were wondering that is actually pronounced "bull-shit".  Maybe I don't have enough accidents to know that this is the way insurance works all the time but seems rather fishy to me whether its just my company or the industry as a whole.  I won't name names or point fingers here but if this sounds a bit off to you and you want to know the name of my company, feel free to comment and I will share the name of this entity which is performing questionable procedures with you.  I'm nice like that.  Just ask the boy who hit me.

And Then, There Were Two

I did it.  I drove my daughter to University and left her there.  omg!  I can't believe that I actually did this.  I am a bit numb at this point.  I have to admit that I cried but I was lucky enough to be able to hold that in until we got to the car.  I wanted to turn around and go back the entire way home.  But I didn't.  I did it.  She texted numerous times while we were returning to Suburbia saying how she missed us and I just couldn't express with words just how much I missed her too.  I had to be strong.  I didn't want to be.  I wanted to say "Do you want mommy to come back and get you?"  But I didn't.  I assured her that she will do well, she will succeed and she will be okay.  It feels like someone has ripped my heart out and tossed it aside.  I am spent.  I didn't sleep at all last night and with good reason.  I didn't want to sleep.  I just wanted to sit and watch my baby sleep.  Creepy, yes.  Sappy, yes.  Did I do it, no.  But I wanted to.  We spent the day with her - setting up her room, picking up her books, getting her post box set up, but when it came time to leave - we left.  There were parents who didn't.  There were parents who lingered and stayed simply because the college can't kick them out.  But we did what was right.  We left.  It was what we were supposed to do as parents.  We weren't supposed to hang out and make it harder on her.  We weren't supposed to stay and get in the way.  We weren't supposed to make other students sad that their parents had left and jealous that we had stayed as some did.  We left.  And now we are here.  Here at home.  And it just isn't the same.  It will never be the same again.  She will always be my baby girl but now she is an adult.  I am the parent of an adult child.  Wow.  So that leads me to - me.  Now what?  It will be hard tomorrow when Hubby returns to work and I am here all alone.  No kid to drive to work or pick up from work.  No child centered errands to run.  No evening of hearing about the perils of the daycare toddler-keeper.  It will be hard when I come across things - a book left here, a water bottle left there - all reminding me that she's no longer here.  I will probably cry more.  But then I will smile because I know that she is doing what needs to be done.  She is going for her goal.  She is making me proud.